My health mentally and Physically

The last few months have been insane. With work changes, Home changes and life changes...Whoa time sure flies. I am still on my journey of becoming healthy and whole. I have had a few things happen over the last few monthes that have changed alot of my view points about health and well being.
My Dad got very sick and ended up in the hospital a few months ago. I love the man to death, but it seems like most in my family he waits to get medical help until it is sooo bad that he lands himself in the hospital. Part of this can be attibuted to his lack of caring for himself. Ie he has Type 1 diabetes but hasnt been taking proper meds. Due to choices made He has not been financially able to do so. Thank god for him going to the hospital. He is now on what seems a much better path. Yeah!!

On mental health as most of you are aware I have become ok with being honest about my relationship with food. It is and will always be my comfort. My security blanket. However Now I know that this is alright and I get to choose wether or not I have a healthy relationship with it and me. This has been a struggle. I am finding as I become more self aware that food is there for my nourishment. Not there to fill in alot of swiss cheese holes that ive had in my mind and life.  Im finding that im not always going to be in a great mood. Life will happen, but I get to choose how I respond to it and myself.

The next lesson is accountability for myself and others. Someone that ive called friend for well over 20 yrs recently had his partner die from lack of caring for himself. This honestly freaked me out. I have been to a few funerals, but Ive never seen death. I saw this man laying in a bed of his own vomit. All I could thing is oh hell This is so sad.As my aquaintance( a different story for perhaps another segment of this)  started cleaning out his partners cupboards I recognized alot of the drugs he was taking.Not because I am a junky, but because I have some of those drugs in my own cupboard. At that point something in me clicked. I am fucking done. I am done with not caring for myself. I am going to control what I can control. I cant control my Ms, but I can control all of the other health issues. Seeing this person made me also think, wow He is only 45 ten years older than myself. If I dont start making changes this could be me. I have so much life left. So many things I want to accomplish and do.

The Gym has become my therapy. When I am Happy,When Im pissed, When im sad, When Im lonely.  . I know that I want a great quality of life and that begins with me. I get to choose. Not someone else how my story will go. I am feeling so much better. The other is I am journaling my food. What ive eaten throughout the day. I am seeing some patterns. I am however not beating myself up. If I have a bad day, its exactly that. Not something that means defeat. Adopting this attitude has helped tremendously.

I did recently have a bit of a relapse with my ms and this did put me on a downward spiral, but in times like this you get to really evaluate your quality of life. What is important to you. I didnt realize that I was going too fast and for what? To be miserable?? I most definately am going to be making some changes in my life all together. I cant go into too much detail on that right now, but changes are happening.

The last is the importance of letting go of those that are no good for you. I have codependency issues. Or have had them. I found this out with said friend from above. I, enabled him and his using ways. I agreed to let him stay with me. Which ended up very trying.  I set boundaries with him and he didnt think I was serious about those boundaries and time lines. I am in recovery and I cannot let anyone stop my progress. So because this person chose to act and behave in innapropriate ways. I kicked him out. I am done with users and abusers. I let this happen and it will not happen ever again. Thats not to say I wont be a great friend and help someone out. Right now its I am only willing to help those that want to help themselves.

This is where I am at....Loving every minute of finding out about me....
thanks for reading. Hopefully I wont wait another six months to post something.

Chris

Thats the way the cookie crumbles....

The last few weeks have been a roller coaster to say the least. My dad ended up in the hospital and now may have a hole in his heart. The dear man face booked this to me a few days ago.....I cannot express in words the thoughts that went through my head. I realize though that I cant fix him or his problems. I can voice my concerns and hope he listens but no guarantee . I'm worried sick about him. This is part of the reason I have not been updating much on here as of late.
Also I have realized that some I call friends truly are not. I have been grappling with this for a few days. Today something happened to me and I think I may have lost in some regards. It has become very clear to me that most of my 'friends' and I use that word loosely, only want me around when they have something to gain. For their comic relief or the nurturer who makes sure everyone is having a good time.
Today one of my now ex friends sent me a message about her baby blessing. This really pissed me off. Actually it wasn't anger, it was hurt. I haven't heard from her in well over Id dare say 9-10 mths and then when she needed or wanted something I all the sudden became important again. I guess I wonder where the hell was she and some of the others that I call friends when I needed her. I didn't get any texts, no calls....nothing. Nada. I had neighbors and acquaintances more concerned. Which there are a few I should thank. Thank you Paul for bringing me rock stars to stay awake. Thanks Mike for letting me cry and stop being strong. To all the others that did reach out thank you so much.
I today did tell said people how I felt, I didn't get a response and was deleted off of their facebook. Hey I guess now we are being honest. I,had mourned this relationship months ago. This person and I havent been friends for a long time. I am at  point where I'm done pretending everything is ok. I am done being and enabler and a caretaker. Its not healthy for any of us.
I also dont want to be the life of the party. I dont want to be the person you bring along to make yourself and everyone else feel better. Besides the bar has been a substitute for whats going on in my head. I drink and get drunk to forget and not think about the many things in my life.
I cant do this anymore. Invite me to something that doesnt include alcohol or drama and I might come along. Or maybe not. Im not feeling social. My circle is getting smaller and smaller. I really dont care. As I told said person Im looking for quality not quantity. If I cant get that from those I call friends its time to get real and move on.
This is where I am at. good or bad, right or wrong. It is what it is. I am one and at peace with my decisions.

Fair weathered friends and ex lovers/boyfriends.

Last night, well actually for the last few weeks I have come to realization that some that I call friends really are not. Its funny to me that the only time I hear from certain friends is if they are going out to party and get drunk. I, in the past have been the comic relief, friend that has taken care of everyone and made sure they are having a good time. Not anymore. Since dealing with me I have no desire to party, drink or go out to clubs. Its not fun anymore to me. I still am purging people out of my life. Some that at one point or another I have called best friends. I guess my question is do real friends talk about you behind your back, do real friends only want to be around you if you are having a good time. Not if you are being real and working through your life and the crap in it??? I, right now am enjoying my own time. I dont necessarily want to hang out, fix problems of other people. I want to fix, well fix is the wrong word. There is nothing wrong with me, I do need to tweek a few things in my life to be A more healthy me.

The next thing on my mind are exes. Over the last two months I have had three of them contact me. One just wanted to fuck. The other two I'm not quite sure. I am no longer desperate for love and attention. I only need those two things from myself.
One of them in particular wants to rekindle a romance from five years ago. I did hang out with him a few times. There are some things about him that I enjoy. For the most part though, I have moved on. I am not the same person I was five years ago. I have no need to get drunk nightly. I have no need to cling to someone or something that isnt real. Also this person was incredibly mean to me. He said and wrote some really mean things . One of which was if you lost weight I would marry you.Which really hurt. Thinking back I should have said well you need to have a bigger dick( ok not really but mean deserves mean back) Make more money and have your shit together. Not depend on mommy to pay your bills.
Curiosity killed the cat I suppose. I guess I wanted to see if I still liked him. I do as a friend, but I dont want him as a lover or a mate. I dont know if he gets it though. I wonder if I should just walk away. Is he truly someone that I want to call friend. I am so confused....

I actually do not want a relationship this year. I want to work and improve me. Not work and improve someone else. I have been making huge strides. Internally and physically.Born This Way

I am no longer Eeyore......

Oh man I  am confused like no other. The ex that I almost married and moved to Arizona for is back. Those old feelings are surfacing once more. I dont want them to, but they are. Im not sure if it is because I am reminiscing about our past. The could of, would of, should of. I am a bit trepidatious  about this whole situation. The first night we hung out He apologized for everything that he did and what happened.  I was nice and told him that it had been five years. I had moved on. Dated again. What I didnt share is how much I had missed him, thought about him frequently. Oh man. Im in a bit of a conundrum. Last night he told me that he still loved me. I believe him, but Im not sure anymore if he is someone that I would want to spend my days with. Or am I making excuses?? Oh god Im beyond confused. It seems as of late, almost everyone from my past that Ive dated is trying to get back in touch with me???
On a different topic, I received a compliment from my neighbor about my weight. I havent been paying attention and have been forbidden from stepping on a scale. So I havent been paying attention. I mean I feel better. I just thought it was because I am healing my innards. Lol. Yeah for me.
I have decided to get a road bike and start training to do a 40 mile bike ride at the end of june for Ms. I am so excited. this is my cause. I feel so blessed and lucky to know the person at 24 hr fitness that is in charge of this. Yeah. I would never of thought about this even a yr or two ago. I was having an Eeyore type of life. Not anymore. I am alive and vibrant. Ready to take on the world in all its entirety. Whoo hoo.

From the frying pan into the fire......

I had this last weekend off for a baby shower for a dear friend that lives close to Logan. It was held at a friends house of Angels. It was nice to see her. I brought along my dear friend y. We had decided to make it an adventure sort of day and went from one end of the state to almost the other. No plan just two friends having a good time. Well or so I thought. my friends boyfriend kept texting and would not stop. During our journey down to Spanish fork Cody received a text saying we are going to need to talk about curfews. What the fucking hell?? my friend is 37 yr old man. Not a Teenager. This was the first Oh my that came from my mouth followed by he is kidding, right?? We then stopped in Spanish fork at the adult toy store. That was fun. They actually have a very large selection. I thought it was funny and had to post it on face book.

Which leads me to my next thing. I am so used to living my life out loud and not caring what others think of me. I guess I forget not everyone else is this way. over the weekend, It became abundantly clear that clandestine anything doesn't really work for me.
Another is I am addicted to technology. Not in a good way either. I couldnt even go 24 hrs without my phn and computer. uggh.
So many thoughts came from this trip.  from the certain happenings, I have thought  that I have come a long way, but part of me still bites at any attention. I'm not sure if this is normal or if it is me trying to hang onto old patterns and behaviors Wanting so desperately to be loved. Notice the word desperate..I did the same bullshit with (insert name here) I prefer asshole. Someone that I didnt really like as a person but thought I loved him. Not because of who he was. Honestly I so just wanted to be loved and to be in love. So I clung to dysfunction. I clung to him saying mean and often times hurtful things. I was OK with him doing things to me that someone in a healthy frame of mind would never allow. So have I really changed. Or am I trying to cover an old gash with a band aid....This weekend gave me a lot to think about.

Now back to my friend. on the way back home my friend received a text saying that I, yes me would apologize for my rudeness and being inconsiderate behavior. Which I did nothing wrong. my friend wanted to get out. He wanted an adventure. This made me livid. I need to apologize for doing what my friend wanted to do. Seriously. I must say that I am now not a fan of his boyfriend. I tried not to be dramatic, but I did tell my friend that his boyfriends action and behaviors were uncalled for and I really have a bad taste in my mouth because of it. This was saturday.


Sunday I went on a trip by myself. I went to Cedar City to see my Fathers grave. I have not been down there since I was about 16. I never truly have mourned the loss of my Father. Yes I was raised by my stepdad. Who was great and wonderful but still not my father. I was able to say some things and gain both clarity and closure. It was good for me to go down there. Long over due.

I on this day. Thought about my friends. One that just had two beautiful twins. Yeah Brighton. The other is that I have become a slightly absentee friend due to working through all of the crap in my world. I have lost touch. the only interactions I have with them is via Facebook. Something is wrong with this. Im not quite sure how to fix it. Really??

Then there is work. I am shocked with myself. I am not wanting to be friends or buds with anyone. I have the attitude of 8 and out. I will be nice. But you are not my friend and I am not yours. One thing that I learned from Jordan landing is not everyone that appears to be your friend is. They will backstab you and use you as soon as they can....

Im having a love affair with myself

I am in a strange, almost foreign place. I am finally getting how truly kickass I am and how I am the only person standing in my way. It is amazing how so many things start to change when You start loving yourself.  I am finding that I want to heal my outside and inside too. I am working with my therapist to heal the inside. I am going to the gym two to three times a week. Sometimes more. I have embraced vegetarianism once again. It started as an experiment but I think I am going to keep up with this. I have never felt better in my whole life. I recently met with my Neurologist and for the first time in a couple of years I got a clean bill of health as far as the ms is concerned. This felt really good. I think this is because I truly am taking care of me for the first time in my life. Instead of caring for everyone else.  I am getting that people actually like me for me. Not for me taking care of them. Those that got used to manipulating and controlling me are disappearing quickly. Seems they are not a fan of the new me. Im still working through my eating disorder, but I take it day by day. I am finding more and more I am having good days vs bad.
 I am hanging out with some new and cool peeps. I am learning lessons from them daily. The most valuable thing is that they love me for me. Even though I am eccentric and oft times a little strange. haha. Part of my charm.
 I am letting go of people from the past thatI have all taught me valuable lessons. Most not good lessons. I will refrain from naming anyone. Lets just say im glad the deadwood is gone. After watching eat, pray, love I get it. I can love all the ones I have loved but sometimes your time is done with them and I must decide to release them to the universe with love and hope for the future. Not anger or hatred. Just peace and love. Wow, when you start letting go of the built up anger that only a passive/aggressive person carries. Things change, you change.
There are some areas that I am still working on and probably will be for awhile. My childhood being the main thing. Some of it far to personal to share on here. maybe at a later time when I have talked to the individuals involved and have finally healed. Right now I am finding that I am far to pist off at them. I am saying things that as a child I felt I couldnt.  It is seeping out in sometimes not the best of ways. I guess im not going to be perfect its only been three months since this journey has begun. Time and talking about things will heal all wounds.

Hope everyone is having or had a wonderful valentines day. Hearts and such.
Chris

some contentment and also some frustrations.....

So its been awhile since ive posted on here. Super busy with work and the I phone launch. Hmmmm whats new. Well first I have switched stores. I feel like this change has rejuvenated my spirit and love of my Job. In my transitions of life this was the best choice I could make. In my personal life I am noticing a shift in me. I am feeling a lot more confident. I want to be the best me. Ive joined a gym, Im watching what I eat. I am on a ton of supplements to get my health where it needs to be. For once I am taking care of me and not anyone else. Wow what a difference a couple of months make. Dont get me wrong I, like everyone else still have struggles. I saw my aunt the other night and it put me in the foulest of moods. Some things happened to me as a child from her That I had blocked from my memory until recently. I am not sure how to confront this woman that I have maybe spoken 10 words to in almost 12 years. I did find myself wanting to lash out at this woman for anything and everything I can. She posted something on  my mothers facebook that was down right mean and I would say on the verge of being cruel. I did respond back with something that was not nice at all. The nice, doormat kind of girl has left the building. Sometimes to be replaced with someone who can be a Fucking Cunt. I think with her it is because she took away some of my childhood innocence. Then there is my mother. Oh my god. I seriously want to knock some sense into that woman. Which, Unfortunately I will never be able to do. She is so manipulative it is not even funny. One of my younger sisters is going through some pretty serious things and instead of being supportive and loving to this sister. She is trying to guilt my sister into feeling bad about her choice by telling her that this decision is going to put her in the hospital. News flash woman....Smoking and eating poorly for the last 30 yrs is what is going to put you in the hospital. I love how Most adults in my family refuse to take accountability for themselves and actions. Instead they want to place blame on anyone and everyone they can. It drives me fucking bonkers....

On the dating front I went on a lovely lunch date with someone today. Very nice guy. I am really liking this whole dating thing. This really is the first time I have ever in my life just dated.  I like actually getting to know someone, on a different level than what I have been able to do in the past. Hell recently Ive actually started to not use men and it makes a difference. My father left a nugget or gem so to speak with me a couple of weeks ago. When I told him my fear of actually being in a healthy relationship or dating someone I don't have to fix. He said Christy there are a ton of men out there that are nice and want to take care of you. So let them. Truere words to me have never been spoken. I am not perfect in this yet. Its baby steps. I still find myself instead of waiting for doors to be open, trying to it for myself. Oh lol. The independent one....It does feel nice to be treated like a lady and valued for my opinions and thoughts.

Well once again I am writing a novel.....Have a good night all

Chris


Chris

Its been a couple of days...

Its been a couple of days since I posted on here. Due to craziness with work and going to Denver for our kick off meetings. The trip its self was too short to really do much. We didnt get in til about 130 and well had a couple of hrs to lallygag around but not to much. My boss was insane, but fun. Anyone who has been in a car with me, Imagine me only ten times worse. I have realized that I dont necessarily like some of my fellow employees outside of work. It amazes me how different some of them are.  Night and day. Some, after our work trip I dont think I would want to hang out with ever again. It amazes me how fake people can be. I dont understand really??? In other news I am so excited. After three years of being at the Jordan landing, I am moving to our ft union location. I am happy for a few reasons. One it is closer to home. Two I get to start fresh. I have needed change for a very long time. I feel like I have been stuck in a rut. Also it will be nice to get away from some on the nonsense that is allowed where I currently am. Im also excited because we will be getting a new, remodeled store. I am so excited to be apart of this. Even more excited that my current assistant, soon to be manager recommended me. Yeah. Feb 1 is my start date. I cannot wait. Things are getting better. Slowly but they are getting there. I am still struggling with a few things. The nutritionist has wanted me to keep a food jounal. I suck at this.I only have fragments of my days. I guess I could lie to her but what is the point??? pfft. I will go with what I have and go from there. I did rejoin a gym and I have to tell you that I feel so much better when I go. Mentally it allows me to think about things in my day to day life. Physically its amazing. Anywho I need to get ready for work.
This is me signing off. til later-----

today is a new day.....

Yesterday while walking the park I had a few thoughts come into my head. The first was about addiction and addictive personalities. The reason this has come up for me is I am one. As you are aware over the last month or so I have come to terms with a few things in my day to day life. I love food, I love alcohol. I love being extreme. What has come to my mind is it is ok to have an addictive personality. Lots of us do. We may not even realize that we do. Since really stepping outside of me and being and observer so to speak in my life. I have become very self aware that I need to start having positive outlets. For instance exercise. I need to change my mindset about exercise. In making it a means for weight loss. I, going forward will be thinking about it as a health benefit. An outlet to release pent up aggression and emotions. I will not let it become an addiction again like I did ten yrs or so ago. I will be creating a balance. Doing what I want and love. Not feeling obligated.
Also during this process I will be giving up alcohol. After my experience on New Years Eve. I am clear about a few things. One I have used alcohol as a social outlet for far to long. I, in my head have thought this will make me more fun and I will be who I genuinely want to be. UMMM why do I need alcohol to be this person. I have been doing this for so long that im not sure what it looks like without alcohol. I am calling this the Chris Einfalt experiment to healthy living without a bottle and food. I have turned down a few social activities so that the temptation isn't there. Addicts a lot of times have to do this.

I want to be a positive person. A healthy person. To surround myself with other healthy and happy people.
There is a reason your parents and other adults tell you to Be careful about the company you keep.
My therapist said something to me a couple of weeks ago and it struck a cord.  It was this. Always look for things that make you happy now and through this journey of self. What a great reminder. Ya know what it has made all the difference. I am noticing the small things that make me smile. The little girl who doesnt care what anyone things about her glittery keds and pajamas. I think I can definately take a page out of the book from this girl. Individuality is an amazing thing.Why is it we, and I include myself in this forget how great it is to just be?? To not give a shit what others have to say??? Another book I am enjoying to the left.

Yesterday vs Today...done and done!!

So from the saga of yesterday, Here is the outcome. Said person started to text me yesterday because he of course could not fix his own issue. He of course wanted to continue to have contact with me for some fucked up reason.Well I sent him an email with the solution and due to not wanting to be dramatic I finally told him that from now on I cant help him with anything. I know him and per the company policy we are not supposed to help out friends and family. I have to admit that I felt bad about doing this. Honestly though, feeling bad has more to do with the caretaker/enabler in me. I did what was best and right for me. Why should I continue talking to the person who threatened my Job and my life?? By telling me that he can make my life Hell. Wether he may have meant it or not. One thing I do not do well with is threats to my personal space and especially not my job. It has recently occurred to me that I am way to nice to people, especially men when they say and do harmful things to me. This has been a good reminder of where I am coming from and where I am going. Progress is a process. I am learning to crawl and then to walk. I may falter at points in this process but I am going to get back up and Be who I am aiming to be.....It is time to evolve and change. Now off to walk the park and start my day. Til tommorrow.
peace to you all!!

the Bitch stole my pink pen.....

I didnt get a chance to update this yesterday, but It was an odd sort of day. The person I went on 3 dates with decided to come into my job yesterday. He wouldnt let anyone help him except for me. heres the funny thing. He brought in a girl with him that I think he was trying to make me jealous with?? Im not quite sure why?? I wasnt quite sure what this statement was supposed to be. But hey I guess whatever floats your boat.
I was mildly irritated because the girl that he was with stole my pink pen. Seriously?? Im not sure if it was him that took it for her but I was not a happy camper. A Pen?? I guess the reason I was upset is because I have had nothing but integrity with him and our dealings. Seriously what a fucking jerk. Its amazing to me that since I have decided to date, instead of fuck em and leave them. I am seeing true colors quickly. I am glad that things didnt work out. I now have to decide if I will continue to have a professional face with him. Or tell him that I cannot help him Ever again.  I just wonder if maybe in some ways I enabled the son of a bitch?? Im trying to be assertive and not aggressive. So I really need to think this one over.......Maybe I will be fortunate enough never to see him again. One last thing that was incredibly odd for me was the fact that he kept flirting with me, while the girl was with him??? Hrrm how disrespectful.....

Random thoughts from the eccentric lady....

It has been an interesting few days. I am starting to learn the difference between assertive an aggressive. Most of my past has been aggressive. Getting upset with someone but not saying what was on my mind til I was ready to blow. Getting so pist that finally when I did say something my words and actions were raw and oft times mean. It seems that as I am going thru this journey I am gaining a better understanding of what makes me tick and addressing it in a proactive and assertive way. I have realized as of late that it is not my job to help everyone. Besides what justice am I doing the person by " helping them, or doing it for them"??? I am still an awesome resource and am willing to help those who want to help themselves. I will not however be an enabler anymore.


I am noticing a difference in my dealing with people as I deal with me. I am feeling more assertive in all my dealings. I have just got how kick ass I truly am. As a Worker, As a friend and in my overall life. I have spent so much time being insecure an sabotaging myself. NO more. I really am taking cant out of my vocabulary. I can be healthy, I can have whatever I want. I just have to believe that I can. I am most definately coming out of the dark place I have been in for so long.  Dont get me wrong I still have bad days. It is part of getting better and dealing with everything that I need to. I know once this process is complete I will come out ahead. Feeling better inside and outside. I am already noticing some differences. Physically. Emotionally. I am becoming more outgoing and happy.

Being alone with yourself and your thoughts

Yesterday seriously sucked. I was in the foulest of moods. Everyone and everything was bugging me. NO explanation why. They just were. I, as you all are aware went to see the nutritionist. In my head I thought this was going to be a good thing. Instead it was question after question about shit I didnt want to discuss. When I started dieting. At age 7....put on a slimfast diet. I still ate far to much because I was a sad child and hell my mother didnt know a damn thing about how to make the diet a sucess.. For numerous reasons it of course did not work. . That diet followed by my teenage years of laxatives and binging and purging. Another fail.Followed by my young adulthood. I thought going vegetarian and working out five times a day was the answer. I did see results but still was not acknowledging my eating disorder . I guess now I think, How healthy was it to work out so much and eat so little??? It stayed off for about a year but came back rapidly as soon as I stopped working out and the stress re-entered my life. Due to living situations being changed and moving in with My grandmother. Oh that was a joy( I hope you hear the sarcasm) at every chance the woman got she was trying to break me down and control me. Working out became more of a hassle and so the weight came back on. Not all of it but a good chunk.....Then came the protein diets. Recommended by Docs for helping me lose weight. It worked but I have never felt more tired, irritable and so on and so forth. This one has stayed with me for the last four years. My doctor felt more like a reprimanding mother figure than a caring doc..... Then out of desperation I gave up to the one thing that I know in my heart isnt the answer, but desperation called. The bariatric surgery. Ive seen this work for a few people.
Which leads me to here and now. Its been a struggle. I am not sure how I feel about getting real. To start discovering and coming to grips to the real problems... Somedays this really pisses me off. Yesterday being one of those days. I have to remember to be one. I think just seeing the nutritionist cemented so many things for me. A big oh wow!! So that is really why I was pissed. Not because of her. It was because of me. Some of the questions she asked struck so many cords in me. Not in a good way either....last night was not any better but I did talk to my cousin, who is more like a sister and she made some very good points. I forgot some of the great times I had as a child. It wasnt all horrible. She most definately got me out of my funk. I went to bed in a much better mood and today wasnt to shabby.
I will probably be posting on here daily. For now goodnight Lovelies....
Mwah

Money and life!!!

So today I went and saw the nutritionist. In theory this is a good idea. In practice this is not going to work for me. She does not take my health care spending card and requires cash up front. If I wasn't already currently fucked with my financial situation this would be OK. However there is a reason I started contributing to my health care spending. One its before taxes and two It is so I would have the money for the doctor appts ettc...etc. This is a huge trigger for me and gets tied into my eating disorder. Instead of trying to work through it and find a solution. I found Schmidts Bakery and ate probably my daily allowance of calories. Not that Im supposed to be counting calories. This is what in the past has sabotaged me. I can logically know that guilt is not a good thing to have in the process. I guess I wonder how I am going to get over it gain some progress.Dieting does not work for me or anyone else. I know that in a month I cant  have it all figured out.I wonder When does everything get easier. My finances are fucked, my health is not the best. With the obesity and the problems that come with that. I am having a difficult time. Im not sure I can handle dealing with life. I often wonder if I go back to where I was before. Not focus on me. When do I get over this anger, this frustration and gain some peace. Right now I just feel like it is all messed up.

Dating.....

Oh my god such a scary thing for me. I havent in my life ever truly dated. Its been I am either out or in a relationship. Dysfunctional , more often than not caustic. Well with the new Chris comes an new game plan. I will tell you that with this therapy I am learning and recognizing more and more about myself. The fact that in the past Ive objectified and used men. Yeah I know?Hows that for a turn around. I, in my head have ALWAYS thought that men are scary and dangerous. Yet another remnant of a shitty childhood.

Like I stated before though I am starting a new chapter. Well have been for awhile. I did indeed have my first dating experience that Ive had in years. I actually dated. Wow. There were some great things that happened. For the first time I let a man be a man. To treat me like my sister always says a princess( thanks Jamie Sue) . I learned a few things from just dating and not feeling obligated to have sex. First I am gaining a lot of self respect. I am learning to say what is bothering me.To not tolerate being disrespected. I'm not willing to keep that stuff inside anymore. If something happens that I'm not OK with I will ask to be taken home. The date will not continue.This is a learning experience for me. Also I am done being an enabler. Pretending that certain behaviors are OK. THEY ARE NOT. Also I am going to believe the book that was written hes just not that into you. I am cutting ties with all of those type of men. They did serve their purpose( when I was using men) Now I am not going to do that. This is a scary as hell discovery for me. However I am not going to give up. Its nice to hold hands, to snuggle. To talk and get to know each other. I really like it.

the beginning of the end....or so it seems??

They say you must break it all down to start over. Over the last couple of months I have had several health issues, Mental break downs and despair.I have been trying to be strong for too long. Not dealing with my world. My issues, My life. I have been taking care of everyone except for me. Last month I reached the end of my rope. I realized that I needed to start talking about my crap or life was only going to get worse. I think the last time I updated on here it was to let you all know that I was going to make a couple of big changes. First was moving to California with my dear friend Celia. Second was I was going to have a very drastic surgery in hopes that this would be the answer to my life long struggle with my weight. Well California didnt happen because I messed up at work and well the job I have is very important to me.  The second is a very interesting thing. I had all the paperwork filled out ready to go. I had one last stop, a last stop that I really didnt want to make. I had to see a psychologist to make sure I was of sane mind and knew the good and bad, to also make sure I was mentally prepared. With all the stress in my life I called my employee assistance program and was referred to someone close to home. Upon calling and making my first appt I broke down. I started to sob uncontrollably. To the point that after I got off of the phone I still cried. I cried and I cried some more. I had no idea how much pain and frustration I had. Until that day.  Well I met with her and I think not by chance she was a psychologist that deals with eating disorders. Yep there I said it eating disorders. This is something I have never addressed. I mean I have know my size has never been healthy but I just assumed it was because of my genetics. Upon further examination though I have become very clear that food fortunately or unfortunately has been my friend. Through and abusive childhood where I became an adult far to soon. It has been my shield. My barrier. If I keep the weight no one will fuck with me. I will kick their ass. This is so outdated for me....... So my new chapter begins...

I am tearing down the walls, the past I am working through and over the next little while I will be spending alot of time by myself. I have been so extreme about cartaking everyone. Even those that dont like me. I have felt that my worth has been based off of taking care of others and not caring for myself.
Over the next little while. I may seem distant. I may even appear angry. Which I am. I need to get balance for me. I am done letting people treat me like their personal doormat. Saying and doing things that are so fucked up. In the end of this I am not sure who my friends will be. Or where I will be at. Im not going to apologize. I am not going to make excuses. What I will be making are new boundaries and what I will and will not tolerate. So if we are truly friends, be patient. Be caring and most of all uplifting to me. If you are not you may be part of the shit that hits the fan.