Moving onward and upward

 Sometimes is pretty amazing how the universe gives you exactly what you need. Its even better when others are in tune with the same astral energy as yourself.

A door, that once upon a time created a lot of turmoil and grief in my life has finally been able to be opened and shut.
They say people come and go in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I personally, Have always believed in this.

The universe will always give you what you need. To stretch, To learn to become the person you are meant to be.

I had an opportunity this last week to gain some much needed closure from a past that has haunted me for well over 5 yrs. With a person who taught me a lot about myself. Love. Compassion, communication, anger, hate, self respect. boundaries.

Now as I think back upon everything, How grateful I am for the experiences I had with this person.
Its great to see the light after the dark. To see the changes in yourself and in others. Both of us have grown tremendously.

Life truly is beautiful. Yes,You have to experience some growing pains. The good with the bad. The light with the dark.
A stormy past truly made one appreciate all of the wonderful things.
 Looking back, Now I realize the whats and whys.

 Apologies and speaking your piece truly do make a difference.

I, Understand now that  needed to go through some rough patches. The refiners fire. Shedding old thought patterns and habits.

In this processI have gained so much love for myself. My self esteem is amazing, Most of all I realize how great I am. My worth.

So thank you unnamed person and universe for leading me to this wonderful spot of self discovery and love.
Most of all the ability to let it all go.

Foster mom saves the day...

Or does she. I am struggling today. My little sister, has made some poor decisions, Which has led to her two girls being pulled from her custody, and one put into mine
. I am not only foster mommy, but friend, disciplinarian, teacher, aunt, provider and strong shoulder to lean on.
 This brings up a lot of things from my past. All of this is history repeating itself. This cycle, of what is happening, has been going on for generations.
 What has happened, happened to my sister, My mother, My grandmother. So on and so forth.
God only knows about how long this has been happening. A history of sexual abuse, Co-dependency,  low self- esteem , worth and all around a need to have dysfunctional relationships. The I need to have a man to take care of me, but only if he, himself is a dysfunctional mess. A history of low lives. Ones who break the law, in many different ways. Ones who abuse both the mother and the children.
An ex said it best once. That we, as women in this family enable and allow stuff that should never be happening or going on.
I am grateful that two years ago, I decided to start going to therapy. to start setting boundaries,To Make necessary changes in my life. To stop putting up with things that were no good for me. 

Tonight we had a visit at my moms house. At the time it seemed like a great idea. The case worker said there were only a few rules. 1. My sister cannot be alone with the niece. I have to be there for all visits 2. We could not talk about the perpetrator, or what happened. 3. No overnights.

So we stayed for dinner. My sister, tried not to cry the whole time. They spent a good chunk of time together. At the end, My niece started to cry. I want to stay with you mommy. Why cant I come home with you. That is the worst part of these visits. My niece is suffering, My sister is suffering and in some ways perhaps I'm suffering. I want to fix all of this, but have absolutely no Idea how to. I'm the fixer, but this cannot be fixed by me. I can assist and help. Ultimately though my sister has got to want to make this situation better.
Slowly this is breaking my heart. All of the hurt I feel, The anger( mainly for this behavior being passed on). Dealing with my PTSD. It brings up a past, Ive tried so hard to forget and let go of.
One of abuse. Of abandonment. Issues that I had thought I dealt with. Hearing my other  Niece tell me that this is all her fault for letting someone know that she was sexually assaulted. That she is sad for her siblings, because she was their mother.  Yowser. I begin to feel her pain from my own experiences. All I can tell her is she did the right thing. That none of this is her fault. Also that sadly she was cast into the role of mom. Which never should have been. That they are all victims.

All I can say is god grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I, of course am very fortunate to have a fiance, and several soon to be in laws around to teach me and help nurture this little girl that has had some pretty horrific things happen to her. ( Not by mommy,( My sister) ) They are teaching me along the way, to be a good mom. To let this little girl know of her worth. This experience has been humbling and gratifying.
. I have become one with the reasons I have not wanted to have kids. Its because of what happened when I was a kid. I would be a great mom.
On that note, that is what is going on with me. I hope to keep up with this writing.
Chris

I am truly content and happy

I have so many wonderful things in my life to be grateful for. My family, who has been there for me through thick and thin. Well to be exact a couple of my siblings. My sister Jamie, who has been my cheer leader over the last couple of years. When starting and going to therapy to become healthy. My sister Angie who reminds me of how life should be. That I should be celebrating the small stuff and not focusing on the bad things. Amazing what a difference this makes.
The sales job that I took a leap of faith in. I have never been more content in my life, than when I am helping customers with there cellular needs. It has been great to push myself, knowing that I am the only person in my own way. I am finding too that many people want to help me succeed. I know that this was the right move for me. It is going to get me farther and help me obtain the goals for my career.
Dating, well as most are aware... I gave up on it. I was hell bent that I was done. Not going to happen. Sick of getting my heart trampled on. Well, someone that has been a friend for years, Changed this. It was truly unexpected. We were just hanging out. Going to movies and doing what friends do. Then one day, he asked me if I wanted to be his girl. At first, I wanted to say no. I believe the reason I said yes, is because He is and has always been the sweetest, most loving and caring person I have ever known. He treats me like a queen. Opens my doors, Wont let me pay, tells me how great and wonderful I am. Im not used to any of this, but I would dare say I truly am loving it. Most of all Ive opened my heart and am loving again.
The living situation has been really good. I was unaware of what a recluse I had become. How I had isolated myself from everyone. The part of the family that I live with reminds me daily about love and being loved. I realize that I perhaps have needed this for a long time. I love my nieces and nephews and how much they look up too and love me.
Last, I am so grateful for my friends, who have always been my cheerleaders and shown me what I did not see in myself. This process has been long, but through some reprogramming and rethinking about things, I finally get what a kick ass woman I am.
  I now have a four legged kid, with Jc. How funny is that. I have always been the crazy cat lady, Now just the crazy pet lady. 2 cats and a lil dog named gordon.
 So Friends and family, Thank you for always being there for me. For showing me light in my dark tunnel. I cannot wait to see what the future brings. Its looking bright.

When Bored at work...I blog.

Lots and lots of changes happening for me at the moment. I accepted the position as a sales rep Starting September 1. Excited and scared to begin this journey, But I believe it will be worth it. Well it will be because my pay was dropped significantly, since I will now be commissioned based.



As part of this transition I will be moving in with my sister and her husband and family. This is going to be a gigantic change. I have been living on my own for so long, that im not sure what it will be like to live with people again. I am excited to hangout with my nieces and nephews. I love those little stinkers. I just have to get out of the frame of mind of being a bit of a loner.  They will want my attention.
Especially my little mini me. It will be a great transition. I think?? I will be saving money, they will be gaining more income. All and all a huge win. Now about those Damn spiders...

One of the things that I am learning through all of this is sometimes change and growth happens without people growing or changing with you. I am seeing this day in and day out.
I have, Not on purpose offended a few people. They dont understand why I no longer hang out with them,
Dont relate to their plight. Its because Im changing. Growing and doing what is best for me. I sometiimes feel bad but have realized that I cant be mama hen to everyone. Only to myself.

This last weekend was quite and eye opening experience for me. People that ive considered friends, Really arent. This makes me sad, Im trying to not shut down. Part of me kinda wants too. I need to not do it, and I wont but it is very tempting to go back into hermit mode.

Onward and upward....next chapter here I come.

Tolerance and changing ones self...

Over the last little while I am finding things and people are getting on my last nerve. Ive Discovered that someone that I've called friend for many a year is talking about me behind my back. This person should have talked with me, I feel. Instead of everyone else ,if there was an issue or a problem. Instead for whatever reason this person chose not to. Ive had a conversation with this person, and honestly it is pissing me off. There are other issues with this said person, but I'm finding I don't want to fix things.

I'm exhausted and tired of hearing and fixing someones issues, when they wont fix it themselves.  Ive done alot of withdrawing and for good reason. I'm done with this nonsense. I am finding I'm becoming a bit of a recluse. I think part of this is due to the fact that I need to care for me and the issues that I have going on in my world. Not theirs.
Some get it, Most do not. Ive always been the one who provides solutions and feeds peoples often sensitive egos.
Someone said it perfectly, my give a fuck is broken. I am only concerned about me. My well being.
People deserve to figure it out on their own. Not me cauldling and babying them. I'm at a stand still with me.

I don't expect alot of people to understand or get it. They don't have too. I often don't get it myself.  what I do realize is that for me I'm taking care of my business. What needs to be done.

I know that over the next few months I may be making some drastic changes. In everything. I need a new start. This old me and place has become stagnant. I am trying to make strategic moves to get moved to California.
 I may either be going to sales in the store or back to the call center to do Business Sales. I am determined. I can sell snow to an Eskimo but have been afraid of taking that leap of faith. Once again its back to that whole Ive become far to comfortable. Time to push myself.

Ego and life

Egos? What are they good for? They are great when we need a defense mechanism. When we perceive that we've been wronged. It allows us to put up walls, that we hide behind .
How many of us have issues with swallowing our pride asking for help and giving forgiveness. Id dare say a lot of us do. You get so caught up in the moment and bam. Ego wins.
 I wonder what it would take to not let your ego get the best of you. I mean in all areas of your life. your work, school, friends, lovers so on and so forth. Would things work out better???? for the best??
Would disagreements and differences be handled differently. Would you still reach out to that person and not shut down if ego didn't win??
reason I ask. is because I have not the answer. For ego , unfortunately defines me. ,I for many years ,  was defined by taking care of everyone else and not myself. Being the doormat.

I fear that I've now moved to the opposite end of the scale. More selfish than giving. More guarded, More insecure than Ive been in years.
I am sensitive beyond belief. I wonder if Ego hides what is really going on inside me?? The pain, The sadness, feeling inadequate. Wanting the love and acceptance. To not feel like something is wrong with me.

Ive also had relationships on my mind as of late. At a barbecue the other night a friend who has been married for several years. Imparted some words of wisdom after talking about My relationship or lack there of.

The thing that really stood out to me is Why do you feel like you need love to complete you. What if you never find the one. What if you have a lot of the ones. Where does your happiness come from then??
 Now for me this is something Ive had to really think about. Ive had to think about what does make me happy. Am I happy. How do I begin to feel at peace with me?? I have no idea. I mean I love several things. I am a well rounded person. So why cant I let things be and let go of what will never be. ? Mother Fucking ego. That is why.

Why do I hold on to things and people. Ive done this my whole life. I guess I'm a pack Rat/ hoarder with my soul and belongings. How do you even begin to let go. To be alright?? To let go of Ego?
I wonder how can I give my soul what it needs?? To let go of things that worked for a time,but no more??
To free myself from my own personal shackles? to heal and be free. From anger? From feeling betrayed or used?
To be at peace with my choices and decisions?? Ive become a lot better but Ive got a long way to go. I post a ton of things on here about past and letting go. These are more my reminders for me.
Writing is very cathartic for me. It allows me to process. To let go of ego. To write whatever I am feeling.My safe place. I sometimes wish that things were easier and not so complicated.The reason they are is Mother fucking ego...Things for me to ponder???

A huge piece of Humble pie, served up to yours truly.

Been an interesting week or two. As you are all aware Ive been going to personal and group therapy for about a year and half. I really like my therapist. She has been a huge advocate for me. That is until she purposely pushed my buttons last week. It was due to the pain in the ass coworker that  had made it her life's mission to make my life hell. Two weeks ago I was done. I had followed the proper channels to get the issue fixed. I talked to managers, who then would talk to her(falling upon deaf ears) nothing was getting resolved. After nine months of putting up with her shitty attitude. I finally lost it. My managers couldn't fix it, My Hr consultant was too busy dealing with other drama. So I took matters into my own hands. I contacted my district manager. I was getting transferred or that  bitch was. One way or another. I told him a bit of the story. I was calm( which in moments like this are rare)  Just stating the facts. Well with in a day and a half she was moved. I felt pretty good about finally standing up for myself.
Well Stephanie said some things to me that struck a cord and truly offended me. Now usually when this occurs I disappear. I push the person away. Remove myself from a situation. This time however after taking a week off, processing through it, I made a conscious decision to face what had happened. To not runaway or shut her out. I went back. Was quiet for most of group and then she asked Chris do you want to add anything ?? Whats going on with you?? So, I started to cry and then told her that she had offended me. I wasn't mean, I wasn't aggressive. I just said my truth. Which Has started the healing/ fix what I can phase.

I ended up having a face book conversation with someone about what had occurred when dating. I had a moment of truth and weakness. I let this person know that I missed him and wanted to get back together. Now I knew the answer before I sent the email. I mean I had said some pretty horrific things. However, even knowing, I needed resolution and closure.  Some of the things that were said to me are so very true. I do have trust issues. I usually don't trust anyone with anything. It is hard to change years of a habit that Ive had since I was a child. Growing up in a home where My mother was more concerned about herself, than her children. I learned to trust no one. Not my mother, Not her scary ass boyfriends(trust me there were many), My family, My grandmother, My aunts.NO ONE.
They Were all sick mentally . Ive learned being in therapy that  a lot of these issues ,  had the trickle down effect and had been going on for generations. My family was sick.Not to aire too much dirty laundry.
 As a child though you wonder what can I do to make them love me, to notice me, to care for me. I was hopeless, Lonely, scared child. One more than one occasion I attempted, obviously without success to end it all. So I didn't have to experience all of the dysfunction. I saw far to much. I remember times of  getting the shit beat out of me for doing what was right. For telling the truth. There was always a consequence. Even  when I was taking on the role of parent. changing my sisters shitty diapers, feeding them( mom was too busy fucking some random dude to even care) loving them, caring for them. Letting them know of their  worth, Helping with school assignments. Forging signatures so that they would have permission to do things.. I was given a choice or a decision. I was  aka Mom.
I was informed by this person that I never trusted him. If only that was the truth. I put more trust in him than I have anyone else. Ever. In my whole life. In two months I had put down more walls than I ever had. I don't even know how to explain. I wanted him to know the dorky, quirky girl. The eccentric and insecure girl. The girl who smiled and wasn't afraid to cry. It was baby steps for me. I really did try.
 Then there was the things that I said on face book, I shouldn't have. It was childish, However I was hurt. If there was re do I may have done things differently. I didn't think of how it would effect him. I actually wasn't thinking at all.
The main take away from this face booking is this. Communication is key. You've gotta talk about things that may be uncomfortable. Not in a defensive manner, but a sincere place and approach. This person has taught me more than He may ever know. At the end of this I believe that the lessons learned from this experience will be able to help both of us to make different decisions and choices with the next person that we date.