the beginning of the end....or so it seems??

They say you must break it all down to start over. Over the last couple of months I have had several health issues, Mental break downs and despair.I have been trying to be strong for too long. Not dealing with my world. My issues, My life. I have been taking care of everyone except for me. Last month I reached the end of my rope. I realized that I needed to start talking about my crap or life was only going to get worse. I think the last time I updated on here it was to let you all know that I was going to make a couple of big changes. First was moving to California with my dear friend Celia. Second was I was going to have a very drastic surgery in hopes that this would be the answer to my life long struggle with my weight. Well California didnt happen because I messed up at work and well the job I have is very important to me.  The second is a very interesting thing. I had all the paperwork filled out ready to go. I had one last stop, a last stop that I really didnt want to make. I had to see a psychologist to make sure I was of sane mind and knew the good and bad, to also make sure I was mentally prepared. With all the stress in my life I called my employee assistance program and was referred to someone close to home. Upon calling and making my first appt I broke down. I started to sob uncontrollably. To the point that after I got off of the phone I still cried. I cried and I cried some more. I had no idea how much pain and frustration I had. Until that day.  Well I met with her and I think not by chance she was a psychologist that deals with eating disorders. Yep there I said it eating disorders. This is something I have never addressed. I mean I have know my size has never been healthy but I just assumed it was because of my genetics. Upon further examination though I have become very clear that food fortunately or unfortunately has been my friend. Through and abusive childhood where I became an adult far to soon. It has been my shield. My barrier. If I keep the weight no one will fuck with me. I will kick their ass. This is so outdated for me....... So my new chapter begins...

I am tearing down the walls, the past I am working through and over the next little while I will be spending alot of time by myself. I have been so extreme about cartaking everyone. Even those that dont like me. I have felt that my worth has been based off of taking care of others and not caring for myself.
Over the next little while. I may seem distant. I may even appear angry. Which I am. I need to get balance for me. I am done letting people treat me like their personal doormat. Saying and doing things that are so fucked up. In the end of this I am not sure who my friends will be. Or where I will be at. Im not going to apologize. I am not going to make excuses. What I will be making are new boundaries and what I will and will not tolerate. So if we are truly friends, be patient. Be caring and most of all uplifting to me. If you are not you may be part of the shit that hits the fan.