Its been a couple of days...

Its been a couple of days since I posted on here. Due to craziness with work and going to Denver for our kick off meetings. The trip its self was too short to really do much. We didnt get in til about 130 and well had a couple of hrs to lallygag around but not to much. My boss was insane, but fun. Anyone who has been in a car with me, Imagine me only ten times worse. I have realized that I dont necessarily like some of my fellow employees outside of work. It amazes me how different some of them are.  Night and day. Some, after our work trip I dont think I would want to hang out with ever again. It amazes me how fake people can be. I dont understand really??? In other news I am so excited. After three years of being at the Jordan landing, I am moving to our ft union location. I am happy for a few reasons. One it is closer to home. Two I get to start fresh. I have needed change for a very long time. I feel like I have been stuck in a rut. Also it will be nice to get away from some on the nonsense that is allowed where I currently am. Im also excited because we will be getting a new, remodeled store. I am so excited to be apart of this. Even more excited that my current assistant, soon to be manager recommended me. Yeah. Feb 1 is my start date. I cannot wait. Things are getting better. Slowly but they are getting there. I am still struggling with a few things. The nutritionist has wanted me to keep a food jounal. I suck at this.I only have fragments of my days. I guess I could lie to her but what is the point??? pfft. I will go with what I have and go from there. I did rejoin a gym and I have to tell you that I feel so much better when I go. Mentally it allows me to think about things in my day to day life. Physically its amazing. Anywho I need to get ready for work.
This is me signing off. til later-----

today is a new day.....

Yesterday while walking the park I had a few thoughts come into my head. The first was about addiction and addictive personalities. The reason this has come up for me is I am one. As you are aware over the last month or so I have come to terms with a few things in my day to day life. I love food, I love alcohol. I love being extreme. What has come to my mind is it is ok to have an addictive personality. Lots of us do. We may not even realize that we do. Since really stepping outside of me and being and observer so to speak in my life. I have become very self aware that I need to start having positive outlets. For instance exercise. I need to change my mindset about exercise. In making it a means for weight loss. I, going forward will be thinking about it as a health benefit. An outlet to release pent up aggression and emotions. I will not let it become an addiction again like I did ten yrs or so ago. I will be creating a balance. Doing what I want and love. Not feeling obligated.
Also during this process I will be giving up alcohol. After my experience on New Years Eve. I am clear about a few things. One I have used alcohol as a social outlet for far to long. I, in my head have thought this will make me more fun and I will be who I genuinely want to be. UMMM why do I need alcohol to be this person. I have been doing this for so long that im not sure what it looks like without alcohol. I am calling this the Chris Einfalt experiment to healthy living without a bottle and food. I have turned down a few social activities so that the temptation isn't there. Addicts a lot of times have to do this.

I want to be a positive person. A healthy person. To surround myself with other healthy and happy people.
There is a reason your parents and other adults tell you to Be careful about the company you keep.
My therapist said something to me a couple of weeks ago and it struck a cord.  It was this. Always look for things that make you happy now and through this journey of self. What a great reminder. Ya know what it has made all the difference. I am noticing the small things that make me smile. The little girl who doesnt care what anyone things about her glittery keds and pajamas. I think I can definately take a page out of the book from this girl. Individuality is an amazing thing.Why is it we, and I include myself in this forget how great it is to just be?? To not give a shit what others have to say??? Another book I am enjoying to the left.

Yesterday vs Today...done and done!!

So from the saga of yesterday, Here is the outcome. Said person started to text me yesterday because he of course could not fix his own issue. He of course wanted to continue to have contact with me for some fucked up reason.Well I sent him an email with the solution and due to not wanting to be dramatic I finally told him that from now on I cant help him with anything. I know him and per the company policy we are not supposed to help out friends and family. I have to admit that I felt bad about doing this. Honestly though, feeling bad has more to do with the caretaker/enabler in me. I did what was best and right for me. Why should I continue talking to the person who threatened my Job and my life?? By telling me that he can make my life Hell. Wether he may have meant it or not. One thing I do not do well with is threats to my personal space and especially not my job. It has recently occurred to me that I am way to nice to people, especially men when they say and do harmful things to me. This has been a good reminder of where I am coming from and where I am going. Progress is a process. I am learning to crawl and then to walk. I may falter at points in this process but I am going to get back up and Be who I am aiming to be.....It is time to evolve and change. Now off to walk the park and start my day. Til tommorrow.
peace to you all!!

the Bitch stole my pink pen.....

I didnt get a chance to update this yesterday, but It was an odd sort of day. The person I went on 3 dates with decided to come into my job yesterday. He wouldnt let anyone help him except for me. heres the funny thing. He brought in a girl with him that I think he was trying to make me jealous with?? Im not quite sure why?? I wasnt quite sure what this statement was supposed to be. But hey I guess whatever floats your boat.
I was mildly irritated because the girl that he was with stole my pink pen. Seriously?? Im not sure if it was him that took it for her but I was not a happy camper. A Pen?? I guess the reason I was upset is because I have had nothing but integrity with him and our dealings. Seriously what a fucking jerk. Its amazing to me that since I have decided to date, instead of fuck em and leave them. I am seeing true colors quickly. I am glad that things didnt work out. I now have to decide if I will continue to have a professional face with him. Or tell him that I cannot help him Ever again.  I just wonder if maybe in some ways I enabled the son of a bitch?? Im trying to be assertive and not aggressive. So I really need to think this one over.......Maybe I will be fortunate enough never to see him again. One last thing that was incredibly odd for me was the fact that he kept flirting with me, while the girl was with him??? Hrrm how disrespectful.....

Random thoughts from the eccentric lady....

It has been an interesting few days. I am starting to learn the difference between assertive an aggressive. Most of my past has been aggressive. Getting upset with someone but not saying what was on my mind til I was ready to blow. Getting so pist that finally when I did say something my words and actions were raw and oft times mean. It seems that as I am going thru this journey I am gaining a better understanding of what makes me tick and addressing it in a proactive and assertive way. I have realized as of late that it is not my job to help everyone. Besides what justice am I doing the person by " helping them, or doing it for them"??? I am still an awesome resource and am willing to help those who want to help themselves. I will not however be an enabler anymore.


I am noticing a difference in my dealing with people as I deal with me. I am feeling more assertive in all my dealings. I have just got how kick ass I truly am. As a Worker, As a friend and in my overall life. I have spent so much time being insecure an sabotaging myself. NO more. I really am taking cant out of my vocabulary. I can be healthy, I can have whatever I want. I just have to believe that I can. I am most definately coming out of the dark place I have been in for so long.  Dont get me wrong I still have bad days. It is part of getting better and dealing with everything that I need to. I know once this process is complete I will come out ahead. Feeling better inside and outside. I am already noticing some differences. Physically. Emotionally. I am becoming more outgoing and happy.

Being alone with yourself and your thoughts

Yesterday seriously sucked. I was in the foulest of moods. Everyone and everything was bugging me. NO explanation why. They just were. I, as you all are aware went to see the nutritionist. In my head I thought this was going to be a good thing. Instead it was question after question about shit I didnt want to discuss. When I started dieting. At age 7....put on a slimfast diet. I still ate far to much because I was a sad child and hell my mother didnt know a damn thing about how to make the diet a sucess.. For numerous reasons it of course did not work. . That diet followed by my teenage years of laxatives and binging and purging. Another fail.Followed by my young adulthood. I thought going vegetarian and working out five times a day was the answer. I did see results but still was not acknowledging my eating disorder . I guess now I think, How healthy was it to work out so much and eat so little??? It stayed off for about a year but came back rapidly as soon as I stopped working out and the stress re-entered my life. Due to living situations being changed and moving in with My grandmother. Oh that was a joy( I hope you hear the sarcasm) at every chance the woman got she was trying to break me down and control me. Working out became more of a hassle and so the weight came back on. Not all of it but a good chunk.....Then came the protein diets. Recommended by Docs for helping me lose weight. It worked but I have never felt more tired, irritable and so on and so forth. This one has stayed with me for the last four years. My doctor felt more like a reprimanding mother figure than a caring doc..... Then out of desperation I gave up to the one thing that I know in my heart isnt the answer, but desperation called. The bariatric surgery. Ive seen this work for a few people.
Which leads me to here and now. Its been a struggle. I am not sure how I feel about getting real. To start discovering and coming to grips to the real problems... Somedays this really pisses me off. Yesterday being one of those days. I have to remember to be one. I think just seeing the nutritionist cemented so many things for me. A big oh wow!! So that is really why I was pissed. Not because of her. It was because of me. Some of the questions she asked struck so many cords in me. Not in a good way either....last night was not any better but I did talk to my cousin, who is more like a sister and she made some very good points. I forgot some of the great times I had as a child. It wasnt all horrible. She most definately got me out of my funk. I went to bed in a much better mood and today wasnt to shabby.
I will probably be posting on here daily. For now goodnight Lovelies....
Mwah

Money and life!!!

So today I went and saw the nutritionist. In theory this is a good idea. In practice this is not going to work for me. She does not take my health care spending card and requires cash up front. If I wasn't already currently fucked with my financial situation this would be OK. However there is a reason I started contributing to my health care spending. One its before taxes and two It is so I would have the money for the doctor appts ettc...etc. This is a huge trigger for me and gets tied into my eating disorder. Instead of trying to work through it and find a solution. I found Schmidts Bakery and ate probably my daily allowance of calories. Not that Im supposed to be counting calories. This is what in the past has sabotaged me. I can logically know that guilt is not a good thing to have in the process. I guess I wonder how I am going to get over it gain some progress.Dieting does not work for me or anyone else. I know that in a month I cant  have it all figured out.I wonder When does everything get easier. My finances are fucked, my health is not the best. With the obesity and the problems that come with that. I am having a difficult time. Im not sure I can handle dealing with life. I often wonder if I go back to where I was before. Not focus on me. When do I get over this anger, this frustration and gain some peace. Right now I just feel like it is all messed up.

Dating.....

Oh my god such a scary thing for me. I havent in my life ever truly dated. Its been I am either out or in a relationship. Dysfunctional , more often than not caustic. Well with the new Chris comes an new game plan. I will tell you that with this therapy I am learning and recognizing more and more about myself. The fact that in the past Ive objectified and used men. Yeah I know?Hows that for a turn around. I, in my head have ALWAYS thought that men are scary and dangerous. Yet another remnant of a shitty childhood.

Like I stated before though I am starting a new chapter. Well have been for awhile. I did indeed have my first dating experience that Ive had in years. I actually dated. Wow. There were some great things that happened. For the first time I let a man be a man. To treat me like my sister always says a princess( thanks Jamie Sue) . I learned a few things from just dating and not feeling obligated to have sex. First I am gaining a lot of self respect. I am learning to say what is bothering me.To not tolerate being disrespected. I'm not willing to keep that stuff inside anymore. If something happens that I'm not OK with I will ask to be taken home. The date will not continue.This is a learning experience for me. Also I am done being an enabler. Pretending that certain behaviors are OK. THEY ARE NOT. Also I am going to believe the book that was written hes just not that into you. I am cutting ties with all of those type of men. They did serve their purpose( when I was using men) Now I am not going to do that. This is a scary as hell discovery for me. However I am not going to give up. Its nice to hold hands, to snuggle. To talk and get to know each other. I really like it.

the beginning of the end....or so it seems??

They say you must break it all down to start over. Over the last couple of months I have had several health issues, Mental break downs and despair.I have been trying to be strong for too long. Not dealing with my world. My issues, My life. I have been taking care of everyone except for me. Last month I reached the end of my rope. I realized that I needed to start talking about my crap or life was only going to get worse. I think the last time I updated on here it was to let you all know that I was going to make a couple of big changes. First was moving to California with my dear friend Celia. Second was I was going to have a very drastic surgery in hopes that this would be the answer to my life long struggle with my weight. Well California didnt happen because I messed up at work and well the job I have is very important to me.  The second is a very interesting thing. I had all the paperwork filled out ready to go. I had one last stop, a last stop that I really didnt want to make. I had to see a psychologist to make sure I was of sane mind and knew the good and bad, to also make sure I was mentally prepared. With all the stress in my life I called my employee assistance program and was referred to someone close to home. Upon calling and making my first appt I broke down. I started to sob uncontrollably. To the point that after I got off of the phone I still cried. I cried and I cried some more. I had no idea how much pain and frustration I had. Until that day.  Well I met with her and I think not by chance she was a psychologist that deals with eating disorders. Yep there I said it eating disorders. This is something I have never addressed. I mean I have know my size has never been healthy but I just assumed it was because of my genetics. Upon further examination though I have become very clear that food fortunately or unfortunately has been my friend. Through and abusive childhood where I became an adult far to soon. It has been my shield. My barrier. If I keep the weight no one will fuck with me. I will kick their ass. This is so outdated for me....... So my new chapter begins...

I am tearing down the walls, the past I am working through and over the next little while I will be spending alot of time by myself. I have been so extreme about cartaking everyone. Even those that dont like me. I have felt that my worth has been based off of taking care of others and not caring for myself.
Over the next little while. I may seem distant. I may even appear angry. Which I am. I need to get balance for me. I am done letting people treat me like their personal doormat. Saying and doing things that are so fucked up. In the end of this I am not sure who my friends will be. Or where I will be at. Im not going to apologize. I am not going to make excuses. What I will be making are new boundaries and what I will and will not tolerate. So if we are truly friends, be patient. Be caring and most of all uplifting to me. If you are not you may be part of the shit that hits the fan.