Forgiveness

Ive often thought Ive forgiven but then something happens that brings up past hurts and experiences. Recently I realized Im still carrying around a ton of emotional baggage from my childhood that  Ive thought Id dealt withbut realized I have not. Ive just stuffed it into the compartment called cant deal with this. Which in turn has caused a few issues in my adult life
. I have found that I am not very trusting and when I do trust it seems that I get hurt in one form or another. Which leads to me to lash out and to not only speak my truth, but speak my truth in a hurtful manner. I think this is one of my many defense mechanisms. The whole you have hurt me, so fuck you. I am going to say things that I know will in most cases end any relationship or friendship.
 I do not do well with being hurt. I retreat and push people away. Thats not to say that some of the individuals Ive gotten rid of have not been for the best. But what about those who are on my side. Love me?? Care for me?? After an extensive therapy session this last week ive come to realize that I have done more harm than anything to myself. With my mindset of I dont need anyone at all. I can do it by myself. I guess it is a message that was given to me as a child. From the time I was small. My mom was rarely there for me. There have been so many times my mom made the message loud and clear. Do it yourself. From being sick to having things come up in my childhood that a healthy parent would take care of. Not mine.
i'm not wanting to play the victim role, but this has shaped me as an adult.
 The world to me is distrusting and a scary place all around. I mean Im good at faking things. I show a smile to  the world, Am personable but you cant get in. You will not hurt me. Its a surface layer. One that I cant seem to let anyone in further
. I also have been making myself wrong for being a nurturer. Thinking what is wrong with me?? I always seem to attract people who need to be taken care of. . Content in where they are. The secret is? They are content.
 Instead of focusing on what I perceive as  short comings, I should be focusing on me. what I need to figure out about me?? Until I do my outbursts of anger will keep coming up. I will continue on a destructive path and in the end I will be alone. Which I obviously do not want.

The therapist and I are focusing on my childhood. Oh lord this scares me to no end. I generally have  tried not to think about my childhood. The physical and mental abuse.  Starting from a grandmother who has always derived great pleasure in making me feel like shit. From name calling to guilting me into believing that if I didnt do this or that I would create a catastrophic event . I havent had anything to do with this woman in well over 15 years. At this point I dont think I would shed a tear if she died. She has been a mean and vile person. A bully. Someone that doesnt even deserve the title of grandmother. This is why to me here name is Emma ( id like to say others but wont). So many things that have been said that arent true. So from a small child Ive been made to feel like shit. No wonder Im so hard on myself and others as an adult.

I have to keep reminding myself to practice self love and acceptance in this process. I wonder if I even know how?? I for awhile felt like I was getting better and then something happens in my life and I realize that Im not even close.  I'm definitely not back at square one, but Im not even close to being a whole person.

I realize that I dont know what self love or love is . Im sure I  have some semblance of it, From many but I find a way to fuck it up. I often wonder if I feel most content being miserable??? I know it doesnt make sense to me either but when things are going well I find a way to fix the situation...By fix I mean destroy it.  Instead of saying  wow that really hurt me. I end it. All of it. Hurt me once shame on you and shame on me for letting you, remember I am strong. I am woman. Hear me roar. I have always said I would never be like my mother and I wont. The way I do this isn't right either. I need to gain some boundaries. Once again though Im not sure how to get there. I feel like a lost soul, living in a fish bowl of life.

Not the most upbeat post, but this is where my frame of mind it. Its time to fish through all the Basura. To enter into parts of me Ive been avoiding.  To truly become whole.  Not sure where this journey will end, but I'm recommitting to myself and My healing. It may be hard, but I know it will be worth it.