Today I am sad. More sad then I have been in awhile. I guess when you strip away the bullshit anger you hide behind and start really thinking about things it gets pretty deep. As you all are aware I am on a journey of discovering and uncovering the real me. Ive been going to both personal and group therapy for awhile. Last week I had a break thru. I have started talking about my childhood and how it pertains to my eating disorder. This has put me in somewhat of a downward spiral.
I guess Ive never truly wanted to deal with some of the past because it is excruciating painful. I have had to recall an aunt that took my innocence at a very young age. I am talking about My Mother and some of the things I endured as a child. I never really have wanted to discuss or talk about any of this. The fact that at the age of three, I was already getting the message that something was wrong with me. My Step grandfather, thought it would be funny to nickname me Fatback. Now as a small child who am I to say, God thats really mean. I wasnt. I was in survival mode. Followed by at the age of seven, My mother deciding because of my weight I needed to go on a slim fast diet. Followed by guilt trips and empty promises, If I could lose the weight.
This coupled with My mother picking some of the most god awful men. Men that I felt I needed to protect my sisters and my mom from. I knew that if I remained bigger I could knock out those piece of shit fuckers that messed with me, My siblings and my mom
. I remember one in particular. His name was Robert Spears. He is the son of a bitch that molested my sister Angie. He had the audacity to say to me once "you better keep your friends and yourself away from me. They and you scare me. " For me my weight has been my protection. Physically. Mentally and emotionally.
Well with the emphasis being on my eating disorder and what caused this. It has stirred up a big pile of shit. Although this last week Ive just been letting myself feel. I guess this is why I feel so sad. Ive spent a lifetime hiding from me. A life time stuffing all of this with food and other addictions. A life time not wanting to deal and change things that really need to be undone from my childhood. To allow myself to be angry. To allow myself sadness and really all of the above. To just be in the emotions. To mourn a me that was innocent and didn't deserve a lot of the things that happened to me. My childhood affects my adult life in so many ways. Ive gotten a lot better, but have a long way to go.
Its amazing to me that when you are sad, Its considered a bad thing. One that there is something wrong with you and you just need to buck up and be happy. Well fuck it. I don't wanna do what I 'should' do.
Right now I feel lost, lonely and oft times misunderstood. It has affected all areas of my life. I have been so desperate for love and attention. I often times have put up with a lot of shit. More than I ever should have. The last one is exempt from the above statement. He couldn't give me what I wanted or needed but he sure as hell tried. More than any of the others.
I keep wondering when does this end?? When do I start feeling better. When do I get to have this black cloud leave me?? One of my friends said something that I guess would be good advice, but I still wonder?? He said you get to chose. When you start seeing the positive in the bad that is when it gets better. Gee, thanks.That goes back to the whole just be happy. Fuck that. Bahh. I should probably stop writing now.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Saturday, March 10, 2012
The interwebs
Over the last couple of days ive gained amazing amounts of clarity about a few things. First is I spend to much time wrapped up in my phone and most importantly I spend far to much time on Facebook. I often times will ignore everyone and everything and wrap my self up in some form of electronics. I do this because Im not sure how to act in a public setting. I found more often than not on my trip to California I may have missed out on few wonderful experiences because I was to wrapped up in distractions. My phone, Facebook and any other websites. I also have thought about my friendships in real life and on Facebook. Instead of actually nurturing and developing my relationships I only really have them Via Facebook the question I have posed to myself is this. How much interaction outside of Facebook have I had with over half of my Facebook friends. Better yet why am I allowing myself to live vicariously through others. Why am I not out there creating my own memories. Exploring the world?? Easy answer?? No. I mean there have been some great things that have come from facebook. Ive reconnected with childhood friends I never thought I would see again. Ive been involved in great discussions that have lead to my learning. However, that being said. How much drama has this created for me?? Far more than I care to discuss. I am cutting my time down. Once a day tops if that. Once I check it. Im logging out. I cant keep living via the inter-webs. How is this living??
You get to be anyone on the internet. Even if it is a lie. Or a made up version of who you truly are. How much do I know about joe smo?? Not a fucking thing. I mean if I wanted to I could make myself sound rich, be a rockstar. Anything really. How is this living. Besides how do I truly get to know people that interest me If I only interact with them on the web?? Its time to reevaluate and For those I do keep on my list. We will be friends outside of the Web. My interpersonal skills have gone in the toilet with this. Im done.
Also, I am looking at many areas in my life. From the way I interact with people to how I choose to live my day to day life. I don't want to feel like I'm doing nothing. That I m stagnant. Stuck in a rut. I am focusing on short term and long term goals. Doing not just saying. I have started by going through all of my shit. I am a pack rat and really looking at all of this crap how much of it brings me joy?? Has value. Most has none. It represents a past, that I need to let go of. The past has brought me a false sense of security. False being the operative word. So out with the old and in with the new. I know that sounds so cliche but it is what it is.
I had another therapy session today. The take away is I need to start living. I need to keep letting people who are good for me into my life. I also need to be kind to myself in this healing process. Start taking the bull by the horns in a gentle manner. I know that all of this work will pay off in the end but this process is painful. One where I often want to quit. In fact I did for awhile. After a time away and recent events that transpired.
I realize that I need to keep plugging along. Recognizing my progress of where I was and where I am. Being gentle to others.Most importantly I need to be gentle with myself. Not be the parental figure of you did this and this wrong and if you ever attitude. Instead I will start asking more questions and take on an observer stance. Not a scolding parent and not a sulking little child who runs away and hides. This behavior needs to stop and go away.
Next week Im starting to go to a group primarily focused on women with eating disorders. A group where I get to start being real about the whys and the triggers that lead to the abuse of food For me. I am hoping and wanting this to be a positive experience for me. One where I gain understanding. Where I can grow, Learn and draw on the strength of others. The overeating is a symptom of something much bigger and greater. Im not sure how to get better with this?? Damnit though I am going to try. Its time for change. If I keep living like this it will only get worse.
I know that some of this is very personal. I hope and know that many of us struggle with a ton of things in our life's. I'm hoping that if by blogging about this , I can inspire one person other than Myself .I have succeeded. Its seems at least for me the more I read the more I learn. I Know that there has to be at least one other person that feels this same way.
I love you all. I am starting to love me. Thank you for taking time to read about my journey. Til next time xoxo.
Chris
You get to be anyone on the internet. Even if it is a lie. Or a made up version of who you truly are. How much do I know about joe smo?? Not a fucking thing. I mean if I wanted to I could make myself sound rich, be a rockstar. Anything really. How is this living. Besides how do I truly get to know people that interest me If I only interact with them on the web?? Its time to reevaluate and For those I do keep on my list. We will be friends outside of the Web. My interpersonal skills have gone in the toilet with this. Im done.
Also, I am looking at many areas in my life. From the way I interact with people to how I choose to live my day to day life. I don't want to feel like I'm doing nothing. That I m stagnant. Stuck in a rut. I am focusing on short term and long term goals. Doing not just saying. I have started by going through all of my shit. I am a pack rat and really looking at all of this crap how much of it brings me joy?? Has value. Most has none. It represents a past, that I need to let go of. The past has brought me a false sense of security. False being the operative word. So out with the old and in with the new. I know that sounds so cliche but it is what it is.
I had another therapy session today. The take away is I need to start living. I need to keep letting people who are good for me into my life. I also need to be kind to myself in this healing process. Start taking the bull by the horns in a gentle manner. I know that all of this work will pay off in the end but this process is painful. One where I often want to quit. In fact I did for awhile. After a time away and recent events that transpired.
I realize that I need to keep plugging along. Recognizing my progress of where I was and where I am. Being gentle to others.Most importantly I need to be gentle with myself. Not be the parental figure of you did this and this wrong and if you ever attitude. Instead I will start asking more questions and take on an observer stance. Not a scolding parent and not a sulking little child who runs away and hides. This behavior needs to stop and go away.
Next week Im starting to go to a group primarily focused on women with eating disorders. A group where I get to start being real about the whys and the triggers that lead to the abuse of food For me. I am hoping and wanting this to be a positive experience for me. One where I gain understanding. Where I can grow, Learn and draw on the strength of others. The overeating is a symptom of something much bigger and greater. Im not sure how to get better with this?? Damnit though I am going to try. Its time for change. If I keep living like this it will only get worse.
I know that some of this is very personal. I hope and know that many of us struggle with a ton of things in our life's. I'm hoping that if by blogging about this , I can inspire one person other than Myself .I have succeeded. Its seems at least for me the more I read the more I learn. I Know that there has to be at least one other person that feels this same way.
I love you all. I am starting to love me. Thank you for taking time to read about my journey. Til next time xoxo.
Chris
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Forgiveness
Ive often thought Ive forgiven but then something happens that brings up past hurts and experiences. Recently I realized Im still carrying around a ton of emotional baggage from my childhood that Ive thought Id dealt withbut realized I have not. Ive just stuffed it into the compartment called cant deal with this. Which in turn has caused a few issues in my adult life
. I have found that I am not very trusting and when I do trust it seems that I get hurt in one form or another. Which leads to me to lash out and to not only speak my truth, but speak my truth in a hurtful manner. I think this is one of my many defense mechanisms. The whole you have hurt me, so fuck you. I am going to say things that I know will in most cases end any relationship or friendship.
I do not do well with being hurt. I retreat and push people away. Thats not to say that some of the individuals Ive gotten rid of have not been for the best. But what about those who are on my side. Love me?? Care for me?? After an extensive therapy session this last week ive come to realize that I have done more harm than anything to myself. With my mindset of I dont need anyone at all. I can do it by myself. I guess it is a message that was given to me as a child. From the time I was small. My mom was rarely there for me. There have been so many times my mom made the message loud and clear. Do it yourself. From being sick to having things come up in my childhood that a healthy parent would take care of. Not mine.
i'm not wanting to play the victim role, but this has shaped me as an adult.
The world to me is distrusting and a scary place all around. I mean Im good at faking things. I show a smile to the world, Am personable but you cant get in. You will not hurt me. Its a surface layer. One that I cant seem to let anyone in further
. I also have been making myself wrong for being a nurturer. Thinking what is wrong with me?? I always seem to attract people who need to be taken care of. . Content in where they are. The secret is? They are content.
Instead of focusing on what I perceive as short comings, I should be focusing on me. what I need to figure out about me?? Until I do my outbursts of anger will keep coming up. I will continue on a destructive path and in the end I will be alone. Which I obviously do not want.
The therapist and I are focusing on my childhood. Oh lord this scares me to no end. I generally have tried not to think about my childhood. The physical and mental abuse. Starting from a grandmother who has always derived great pleasure in making me feel like shit. From name calling to guilting me into believing that if I didnt do this or that I would create a catastrophic event . I havent had anything to do with this woman in well over 15 years. At this point I dont think I would shed a tear if she died. She has been a mean and vile person. A bully. Someone that doesnt even deserve the title of grandmother. This is why to me here name is Emma ( id like to say others but wont). So many things that have been said that arent true. So from a small child Ive been made to feel like shit. No wonder Im so hard on myself and others as an adult.
I have to keep reminding myself to practice self love and acceptance in this process. I wonder if I even know how?? I for awhile felt like I was getting better and then something happens in my life and I realize that Im not even close. I'm definitely not back at square one, but Im not even close to being a whole person.
I realize that I dont know what self love or love is . Im sure I have some semblance of it, From many but I find a way to fuck it up. I often wonder if I feel most content being miserable??? I know it doesnt make sense to me either but when things are going well I find a way to fix the situation...By fix I mean destroy it. Instead of saying wow that really hurt me. I end it. All of it. Hurt me once shame on you and shame on me for letting you, remember I am strong. I am woman. Hear me roar. I have always said I would never be like my mother and I wont. The way I do this isn't right either. I need to gain some boundaries. Once again though Im not sure how to get there. I feel like a lost soul, living in a fish bowl of life.
Not the most upbeat post, but this is where my frame of mind it. Its time to fish through all the Basura. To enter into parts of me Ive been avoiding. To truly become whole. Not sure where this journey will end, but I'm recommitting to myself and My healing. It may be hard, but I know it will be worth it.
. I have found that I am not very trusting and when I do trust it seems that I get hurt in one form or another. Which leads to me to lash out and to not only speak my truth, but speak my truth in a hurtful manner. I think this is one of my many defense mechanisms. The whole you have hurt me, so fuck you. I am going to say things that I know will in most cases end any relationship or friendship.
I do not do well with being hurt. I retreat and push people away. Thats not to say that some of the individuals Ive gotten rid of have not been for the best. But what about those who are on my side. Love me?? Care for me?? After an extensive therapy session this last week ive come to realize that I have done more harm than anything to myself. With my mindset of I dont need anyone at all. I can do it by myself. I guess it is a message that was given to me as a child. From the time I was small. My mom was rarely there for me. There have been so many times my mom made the message loud and clear. Do it yourself. From being sick to having things come up in my childhood that a healthy parent would take care of. Not mine.
i'm not wanting to play the victim role, but this has shaped me as an adult.
The world to me is distrusting and a scary place all around. I mean Im good at faking things. I show a smile to the world, Am personable but you cant get in. You will not hurt me. Its a surface layer. One that I cant seem to let anyone in further
. I also have been making myself wrong for being a nurturer. Thinking what is wrong with me?? I always seem to attract people who need to be taken care of. . Content in where they are. The secret is? They are content.
Instead of focusing on what I perceive as short comings, I should be focusing on me. what I need to figure out about me?? Until I do my outbursts of anger will keep coming up. I will continue on a destructive path and in the end I will be alone. Which I obviously do not want.
The therapist and I are focusing on my childhood. Oh lord this scares me to no end. I generally have tried not to think about my childhood. The physical and mental abuse. Starting from a grandmother who has always derived great pleasure in making me feel like shit. From name calling to guilting me into believing that if I didnt do this or that I would create a catastrophic event . I havent had anything to do with this woman in well over 15 years. At this point I dont think I would shed a tear if she died. She has been a mean and vile person. A bully. Someone that doesnt even deserve the title of grandmother. This is why to me here name is Emma ( id like to say others but wont). So many things that have been said that arent true. So from a small child Ive been made to feel like shit. No wonder Im so hard on myself and others as an adult.
I have to keep reminding myself to practice self love and acceptance in this process. I wonder if I even know how?? I for awhile felt like I was getting better and then something happens in my life and I realize that Im not even close. I'm definitely not back at square one, but Im not even close to being a whole person.
I realize that I dont know what self love or love is . Im sure I have some semblance of it, From many but I find a way to fuck it up. I often wonder if I feel most content being miserable??? I know it doesnt make sense to me either but when things are going well I find a way to fix the situation...By fix I mean destroy it. Instead of saying wow that really hurt me. I end it. All of it. Hurt me once shame on you and shame on me for letting you, remember I am strong. I am woman. Hear me roar. I have always said I would never be like my mother and I wont. The way I do this isn't right either. I need to gain some boundaries. Once again though Im not sure how to get there. I feel like a lost soul, living in a fish bowl of life.
Not the most upbeat post, but this is where my frame of mind it. Its time to fish through all the Basura. To enter into parts of me Ive been avoiding. To truly become whole. Not sure where this journey will end, but I'm recommitting to myself and My healing. It may be hard, but I know it will be worth it.
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