I had this last weekend off for a baby shower for a dear friend that lives close to Logan. It was held at a friends house of Angels. It was nice to see her. I brought along my dear friend y. We had decided to make it an adventure sort of day and went from one end of the state to almost the other. No plan just two friends having a good time. Well or so I thought. my friends boyfriend kept texting and would not stop. During our journey down to Spanish fork Cody received a text saying we are going to need to talk about curfews. What the fucking hell?? my friend is 37 yr old man. Not a Teenager. This was the first Oh my that came from my mouth followed by he is kidding, right?? We then stopped in Spanish fork at the adult toy store. That was fun. They actually have a very large selection. I thought it was funny and had to post it on face book.
Which leads me to my next thing. I am so used to living my life out loud and not caring what others think of me. I guess I forget not everyone else is this way. over the weekend, It became abundantly clear that clandestine anything doesn't really work for me.
Another is I am addicted to technology. Not in a good way either. I couldnt even go 24 hrs without my phn and computer. uggh.
So many thoughts came from this trip. from the certain happenings, I have thought that I have come a long way, but part of me still bites at any attention. I'm not sure if this is normal or if it is me trying to hang onto old patterns and behaviors Wanting so desperately to be loved. Notice the word desperate..I did the same bullshit with (insert name here) I prefer asshole. Someone that I didnt really like as a person but thought I loved him. Not because of who he was. Honestly I so just wanted to be loved and to be in love. So I clung to dysfunction. I clung to him saying mean and often times hurtful things. I was OK with him doing things to me that someone in a healthy frame of mind would never allow. So have I really changed. Or am I trying to cover an old gash with a band aid....This weekend gave me a lot to think about.
Now back to my friend. on the way back home my friend received a text saying that I, yes me would apologize for my rudeness and being inconsiderate behavior. Which I did nothing wrong. my friend wanted to get out. He wanted an adventure. This made me livid. I need to apologize for doing what my friend wanted to do. Seriously. I must say that I am now not a fan of his boyfriend. I tried not to be dramatic, but I did tell my friend that his boyfriends action and behaviors were uncalled for and I really have a bad taste in my mouth because of it. This was saturday.
Sunday I went on a trip by myself. I went to Cedar City to see my Fathers grave. I have not been down there since I was about 16. I never truly have mourned the loss of my Father. Yes I was raised by my stepdad. Who was great and wonderful but still not my father. I was able to say some things and gain both clarity and closure. It was good for me to go down there. Long over due.
I on this day. Thought about my friends. One that just had two beautiful twins. Yeah Brighton. The other is that I have become a slightly absentee friend due to working through all of the crap in my world. I have lost touch. the only interactions I have with them is via Facebook. Something is wrong with this. Im not quite sure how to fix it. Really??
Then there is work. I am shocked with myself. I am not wanting to be friends or buds with anyone. I have the attitude of 8 and out. I will be nice. But you are not my friend and I am not yours. One thing that I learned from Jordan landing is not everyone that appears to be your friend is. They will backstab you and use you as soon as they can....