Friday, March 18, 2011

Fair weathered friends and ex lovers/boyfriends.

Last night, well actually for the last few weeks I have come to realization that some that I call friends really are not. Its funny to me that the only time I hear from certain friends is if they are going out to party and get drunk. I, in the past have been the comic relief, friend that has taken care of everyone and made sure they are having a good time. Not anymore. Since dealing with me I have no desire to party, drink or go out to clubs. Its not fun anymore to me. I still am purging people out of my life. Some that at one point or another I have called best friends. I guess my question is do real friends talk about you behind your back, do real friends only want to be around you if you are having a good time. Not if you are being real and working through your life and the crap in it??? I, right now am enjoying my own time. I dont necessarily want to hang out, fix problems of other people. I want to fix, well fix is the wrong word. There is nothing wrong with me, I do need to tweek a few things in my life to be A more healthy me.

The next thing on my mind are exes. Over the last two months I have had three of them contact me. One just wanted to fuck. The other two I'm not quite sure. I am no longer desperate for love and attention. I only need those two things from myself.
One of them in particular wants to rekindle a romance from five years ago. I did hang out with him a few times. There are some things about him that I enjoy. For the most part though, I have moved on. I am not the same person I was five years ago. I have no need to get drunk nightly. I have no need to cling to someone or something that isnt real. Also this person was incredibly mean to me. He said and wrote some really mean things . One of which was if you lost weight I would marry you.Which really hurt. Thinking back I should have said well you need to have a bigger dick( ok not really but mean deserves mean back) Make more money and have your shit together. Not depend on mommy to pay your bills.
Curiosity killed the cat I suppose. I guess I wanted to see if I still liked him. I do as a friend, but I dont want him as a lover or a mate. I dont know if he gets it though. I wonder if I should just walk away. Is he truly someone that I want to call friend. I am so confused....

I actually do not want a relationship this year. I want to work and improve me. Not work and improve someone else. I have been making huge strides. Internally and physically.Born This Way

Monday, March 14, 2011

I am no longer Eeyore......

Oh man I  am confused like no other. The ex that I almost married and moved to Arizona for is back. Those old feelings are surfacing once more. I dont want them to, but they are. Im not sure if it is because I am reminiscing about our past. The could of, would of, should of. I am a bit trepidatious  about this whole situation. The first night we hung out He apologized for everything that he did and what happened.  I was nice and told him that it had been five years. I had moved on. Dated again. What I didnt share is how much I had missed him, thought about him frequently. Oh man. Im in a bit of a conundrum. Last night he told me that he still loved me. I believe him, but Im not sure anymore if he is someone that I would want to spend my days with. Or am I making excuses?? Oh god Im beyond confused. It seems as of late, almost everyone from my past that Ive dated is trying to get back in touch with me???
On a different topic, I received a compliment from my neighbor about my weight. I havent been paying attention and have been forbidden from stepping on a scale. So I havent been paying attention. I mean I feel better. I just thought it was because I am healing my innards. Lol. Yeah for me.
I have decided to get a road bike and start training to do a 40 mile bike ride at the end of june for Ms. I am so excited. this is my cause. I feel so blessed and lucky to know the person at 24 hr fitness that is in charge of this. Yeah. I would never of thought about this even a yr or two ago. I was having an Eeyore type of life. Not anymore. I am alive and vibrant. Ready to take on the world in all its entirety. Whoo hoo.

Monday, March 7, 2011

From the frying pan into the fire......

I had this last weekend off for a baby shower for a dear friend that lives close to Logan. It was held at a friends house of Angels. It was nice to see her. I brought along my dear friend y. We had decided to make it an adventure sort of day and went from one end of the state to almost the other. No plan just two friends having a good time. Well or so I thought. my friends boyfriend kept texting and would not stop. During our journey down to Spanish fork Cody received a text saying we are going to need to talk about curfews. What the fucking hell?? my friend is 37 yr old man. Not a Teenager. This was the first Oh my that came from my mouth followed by he is kidding, right?? We then stopped in Spanish fork at the adult toy store. That was fun. They actually have a very large selection. I thought it was funny and had to post it on face book.

Which leads me to my next thing. I am so used to living my life out loud and not caring what others think of me. I guess I forget not everyone else is this way. over the weekend, It became abundantly clear that clandestine anything doesn't really work for me.
Another is I am addicted to technology. Not in a good way either. I couldnt even go 24 hrs without my phn and computer. uggh.
So many thoughts came from this trip.  from the certain happenings, I have thought  that I have come a long way, but part of me still bites at any attention. I'm not sure if this is normal or if it is me trying to hang onto old patterns and behaviors Wanting so desperately to be loved. Notice the word desperate..I did the same bullshit with (insert name here) I prefer asshole. Someone that I didnt really like as a person but thought I loved him. Not because of who he was. Honestly I so just wanted to be loved and to be in love. So I clung to dysfunction. I clung to him saying mean and often times hurtful things. I was OK with him doing things to me that someone in a healthy frame of mind would never allow. So have I really changed. Or am I trying to cover an old gash with a band aid....This weekend gave me a lot to think about.

Now back to my friend. on the way back home my friend received a text saying that I, yes me would apologize for my rudeness and being inconsiderate behavior. Which I did nothing wrong. my friend wanted to get out. He wanted an adventure. This made me livid. I need to apologize for doing what my friend wanted to do. Seriously. I must say that I am now not a fan of his boyfriend. I tried not to be dramatic, but I did tell my friend that his boyfriends action and behaviors were uncalled for and I really have a bad taste in my mouth because of it. This was saturday.


Sunday I went on a trip by myself. I went to Cedar City to see my Fathers grave. I have not been down there since I was about 16. I never truly have mourned the loss of my Father. Yes I was raised by my stepdad. Who was great and wonderful but still not my father. I was able to say some things and gain both clarity and closure. It was good for me to go down there. Long over due.

I on this day. Thought about my friends. One that just had two beautiful twins. Yeah Brighton. The other is that I have become a slightly absentee friend due to working through all of the crap in my world. I have lost touch. the only interactions I have with them is via Facebook. Something is wrong with this. Im not quite sure how to fix it. Really??

Then there is work. I am shocked with myself. I am not wanting to be friends or buds with anyone. I have the attitude of 8 and out. I will be nice. But you are not my friend and I am not yours. One thing that I learned from Jordan landing is not everyone that appears to be your friend is. They will backstab you and use you as soon as they can....