Im having a love affair with myself

I am in a strange, almost foreign place. I am finally getting how truly kickass I am and how I am the only person standing in my way. It is amazing how so many things start to change when You start loving yourself.  I am finding that I want to heal my outside and inside too. I am working with my therapist to heal the inside. I am going to the gym two to three times a week. Sometimes more. I have embraced vegetarianism once again. It started as an experiment but I think I am going to keep up with this. I have never felt better in my whole life. I recently met with my Neurologist and for the first time in a couple of years I got a clean bill of health as far as the ms is concerned. This felt really good. I think this is because I truly am taking care of me for the first time in my life. Instead of caring for everyone else.  I am getting that people actually like me for me. Not for me taking care of them. Those that got used to manipulating and controlling me are disappearing quickly. Seems they are not a fan of the new me. Im still working through my eating disorder, but I take it day by day. I am finding more and more I am having good days vs bad.
 I am hanging out with some new and cool peeps. I am learning lessons from them daily. The most valuable thing is that they love me for me. Even though I am eccentric and oft times a little strange. haha. Part of my charm.
 I am letting go of people from the past thatI have all taught me valuable lessons. Most not good lessons. I will refrain from naming anyone. Lets just say im glad the deadwood is gone. After watching eat, pray, love I get it. I can love all the ones I have loved but sometimes your time is done with them and I must decide to release them to the universe with love and hope for the future. Not anger or hatred. Just peace and love. Wow, when you start letting go of the built up anger that only a passive/aggressive person carries. Things change, you change.
There are some areas that I am still working on and probably will be for awhile. My childhood being the main thing. Some of it far to personal to share on here. maybe at a later time when I have talked to the individuals involved and have finally healed. Right now I am finding that I am far to pist off at them. I am saying things that as a child I felt I couldnt.  It is seeping out in sometimes not the best of ways. I guess im not going to be perfect its only been three months since this journey has begun. Time and talking about things will heal all wounds.

Hope everyone is having or had a wonderful valentines day. Hearts and such.
Chris

some contentment and also some frustrations.....

So its been awhile since ive posted on here. Super busy with work and the I phone launch. Hmmmm whats new. Well first I have switched stores. I feel like this change has rejuvenated my spirit and love of my Job. In my transitions of life this was the best choice I could make. In my personal life I am noticing a shift in me. I am feeling a lot more confident. I want to be the best me. Ive joined a gym, Im watching what I eat. I am on a ton of supplements to get my health where it needs to be. For once I am taking care of me and not anyone else. Wow what a difference a couple of months make. Dont get me wrong I, like everyone else still have struggles. I saw my aunt the other night and it put me in the foulest of moods. Some things happened to me as a child from her That I had blocked from my memory until recently. I am not sure how to confront this woman that I have maybe spoken 10 words to in almost 12 years. I did find myself wanting to lash out at this woman for anything and everything I can. She posted something on  my mothers facebook that was down right mean and I would say on the verge of being cruel. I did respond back with something that was not nice at all. The nice, doormat kind of girl has left the building. Sometimes to be replaced with someone who can be a Fucking Cunt. I think with her it is because she took away some of my childhood innocence. Then there is my mother. Oh my god. I seriously want to knock some sense into that woman. Which, Unfortunately I will never be able to do. She is so manipulative it is not even funny. One of my younger sisters is going through some pretty serious things and instead of being supportive and loving to this sister. She is trying to guilt my sister into feeling bad about her choice by telling her that this decision is going to put her in the hospital. News flash woman....Smoking and eating poorly for the last 30 yrs is what is going to put you in the hospital. I love how Most adults in my family refuse to take accountability for themselves and actions. Instead they want to place blame on anyone and everyone they can. It drives me fucking bonkers....

On the dating front I went on a lovely lunch date with someone today. Very nice guy. I am really liking this whole dating thing. This really is the first time I have ever in my life just dated.  I like actually getting to know someone, on a different level than what I have been able to do in the past. Hell recently Ive actually started to not use men and it makes a difference. My father left a nugget or gem so to speak with me a couple of weeks ago. When I told him my fear of actually being in a healthy relationship or dating someone I don't have to fix. He said Christy there are a ton of men out there that are nice and want to take care of you. So let them. Truere words to me have never been spoken. I am not perfect in this yet. Its baby steps. I still find myself instead of waiting for doors to be open, trying to it for myself. Oh lol. The independent one....It does feel nice to be treated like a lady and valued for my opinions and thoughts.

Well once again I am writing a novel.....Have a good night all

Chris


Chris