Friday, June 7, 2013

Moving onward and upward


 Sometimes is pretty amazing how the universe gives you exactly what you need. Its even better when others are in tune with the same astral energy as yourself.

A door, that once upon a time created a lot of turmoil and grief in my life has finally been able to be opened and shut.
They say people come and go in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I personally, Have always believed in this.

The universe will always give you what you need. To stretch, To learn to become the person you are meant to be.

I had an opportunity this last week to gain some much needed closure from a past that has haunted me for well over 5 yrs. With a person who taught me a lot about myself. Love. Compassion, communication, anger, hate, self respect. boundaries.

Now as I think back upon everything, How grateful I am for the experiences I had with this person.
Its great to see the light after the dark. To see the changes in yourself and in others. Both of us have grown tremendously.

Life truly is beautiful. Yes,You have to experience some growing pains. The good with the bad. The light with the dark.
A stormy past truly made one appreciate all of the wonderful things.
 Looking back, Now I realize the whats and whys.

 Apologies and speaking your piece truly do make a difference.

I, Understand now that  needed to go through some rough patches. The refiners fire. Shedding old thought patterns and habits.

In this processI have gained so much love for myself. My self esteem is amazing, Most of all I realize how great I am. My worth.

So thank you unnamed person and universe for leading me to this wonderful spot of self discovery and love.
Most of all the ability to let it all go.




Saturday, January 26, 2013

Foster mom saves the day...

Or does she. I am struggling today. My little sister, has made some poor decisions, Which has led to her two girls being pulled from her custody, and one put into mine
. I am not only foster mommy, but friend, disciplinarian, teacher, aunt, provider and strong shoulder to lean on.
 This brings up a lot of things from my past. All of this is history repeating itself. This cycle, of what is happening, has been going on for generations.
 What has happened, happened to my sister, My mother, My grandmother. So on and so forth.
God only knows about how long this has been happening. A history of sexual abuse, Co-dependency,  low self- esteem , worth and all around a need to have dysfunctional relationships. The I need to have a man to take care of me, but only if he, himself is a dysfunctional mess. A history of low lives. Ones who break the law, in many different ways. Ones who abuse both the mother and the children.
An ex said it best once. That we, as women in this family enable and allow stuff that should never be happening or going on.
I am grateful that two years ago, I decided to start going to therapy. to start setting boundaries,To Make necessary changes in my life. To stop putting up with things that were no good for me. 

Tonight we had a visit at my moms house. At the time it seemed like a great idea. The case worker said there were only a few rules. 1. My sister cannot be alone with the niece. I have to be there for all visits 2. We could not talk about the perpetrator, or what happened. 3. No overnights.

So we stayed for dinner. My sister, tried not to cry the whole time. They spent a good chunk of time together. At the end, My niece started to cry. I want to stay with you mommy. Why cant I come home with you. That is the worst part of these visits. My niece is suffering, My sister is suffering and in some ways perhaps I'm suffering. I want to fix all of this, but have absolutely no Idea how to. I'm the fixer, but this cannot be fixed by me. I can assist and help. Ultimately though my sister has got to want to make this situation better.
Slowly this is breaking my heart. All of the hurt I feel, The anger( mainly for this behavior being passed on). Dealing with my PTSD. It brings up a past, Ive tried so hard to forget and let go of.
One of abuse. Of abandonment. Issues that I had thought I dealt with. Hearing my other  Niece tell me that this is all her fault for letting someone know that she was sexually assaulted. That she is sad for her siblings, because she was their mother.  Yowser. I begin to feel her pain from my own experiences. All I can tell her is she did the right thing. That none of this is her fault. Also that sadly she was cast into the role of mom. Which never should have been. That they are all victims.

All I can say is god grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I, of course am very fortunate to have a fiance, and several soon to be in laws around to teach me and help nurture this little girl that has had some pretty horrific things happen to her. ( Not by mommy,( My sister) ) They are teaching me along the way, to be a good mom. To let this little girl know of her worth. This experience has been humbling and gratifying.
. I have become one with the reasons I have not wanted to have kids. Its because of what happened when I was a kid. I would be a great mom.
On that note, that is what is going on with me. I hope to keep up with this writing.
Chris