Tolerance and changing ones self...

Over the last little while I am finding things and people are getting on my last nerve. Ive Discovered that someone that I've called friend for many a year is talking about me behind my back. This person should have talked with me, I feel. Instead of everyone else ,if there was an issue or a problem. Instead for whatever reason this person chose not to. Ive had a conversation with this person, and honestly it is pissing me off. There are other issues with this said person, but I'm finding I don't want to fix things.

I'm exhausted and tired of hearing and fixing someones issues, when they wont fix it themselves.  Ive done alot of withdrawing and for good reason. I'm done with this nonsense. I am finding I'm becoming a bit of a recluse. I think part of this is due to the fact that I need to care for me and the issues that I have going on in my world. Not theirs.
Some get it, Most do not. Ive always been the one who provides solutions and feeds peoples often sensitive egos.
Someone said it perfectly, my give a fuck is broken. I am only concerned about me. My well being.
People deserve to figure it out on their own. Not me cauldling and babying them. I'm at a stand still with me.

I don't expect alot of people to understand or get it. They don't have too. I often don't get it myself.  what I do realize is that for me I'm taking care of my business. What needs to be done.

I know that over the next few months I may be making some drastic changes. In everything. I need a new start. This old me and place has become stagnant. I am trying to make strategic moves to get moved to California.
 I may either be going to sales in the store or back to the call center to do Business Sales. I am determined. I can sell snow to an Eskimo but have been afraid of taking that leap of faith. Once again its back to that whole Ive become far to comfortable. Time to push myself.

Ego and life

Egos? What are they good for? They are great when we need a defense mechanism. When we perceive that we've been wronged. It allows us to put up walls, that we hide behind .
How many of us have issues with swallowing our pride asking for help and giving forgiveness. Id dare say a lot of us do. You get so caught up in the moment and bam. Ego wins.
 I wonder what it would take to not let your ego get the best of you. I mean in all areas of your life. your work, school, friends, lovers so on and so forth. Would things work out better???? for the best??
Would disagreements and differences be handled differently. Would you still reach out to that person and not shut down if ego didn't win??
reason I ask. is because I have not the answer. For ego , unfortunately defines me. ,I for many years ,  was defined by taking care of everyone else and not myself. Being the doormat.

I fear that I've now moved to the opposite end of the scale. More selfish than giving. More guarded, More insecure than Ive been in years.
I am sensitive beyond belief. I wonder if Ego hides what is really going on inside me?? The pain, The sadness, feeling inadequate. Wanting the love and acceptance. To not feel like something is wrong with me.

Ive also had relationships on my mind as of late. At a barbecue the other night a friend who has been married for several years. Imparted some words of wisdom after talking about My relationship or lack there of.

The thing that really stood out to me is Why do you feel like you need love to complete you. What if you never find the one. What if you have a lot of the ones. Where does your happiness come from then??
 Now for me this is something Ive had to really think about. Ive had to think about what does make me happy. Am I happy. How do I begin to feel at peace with me?? I have no idea. I mean I love several things. I am a well rounded person. So why cant I let things be and let go of what will never be. ? Mother Fucking ego. That is why.

Why do I hold on to things and people. Ive done this my whole life. I guess I'm a pack Rat/ hoarder with my soul and belongings. How do you even begin to let go. To be alright?? To let go of Ego?
I wonder how can I give my soul what it needs?? To let go of things that worked for a time,but no more??
To free myself from my own personal shackles? to heal and be free. From anger? From feeling betrayed or used?
To be at peace with my choices and decisions?? Ive become a lot better but Ive got a long way to go. I post a ton of things on here about past and letting go. These are more my reminders for me.
Writing is very cathartic for me. It allows me to process. To let go of ego. To write whatever I am feeling.My safe place. I sometimes wish that things were easier and not so complicated.The reason they are is Mother fucking ego...Things for me to ponder???