mother eff....Im a bit of an emo.

Ive been reading through my blog posts from the last year or so. Its interesting to see my progress. From where I started and where I am now. I have done a lot of changing and growing. Lots of triumphs and life moments

I look at my small and short journey in a somewhat healthy relationship. I look at how far Ive come with loving and caring for myself. Ive discovered who I am becoming and wanting to be. I really like this new girl. I still have room for change and growth but Im doing really well. Embracing myself. The good, the bad and the in between. Ive learned what it means to stand up for whats right for me.  I may not be the most popular, but I will speak my mind and do it in a assertive manner.

I had a great Memorial weekend. A group of friends and myself rented a cabin and just hung out. Copious amounts of alcohol got consumed. Lots of laugh's all and all a great time. I did have a pretty comical moment. On Saturday we went into Heber City for an evening and just by a small chance Erics cousin was the bartender. Small effing world. It made me laugh. We struck up a conversation because of my Area 51 hoodie. He was telling me his cousin did Areoke on Wed night. I started to laugh, more uncomfortable than anything, Finished of two shots and then told him well Lial I know Mindy.  Small muther effing world. I told him I dated his cousin. Super cool cat. He kinda reminded me of Eric. Explains why I thought he was attractive. I guess we all have a type. Whats a girl to do...

Still looking for a job in California. Ive decided that if I cannot find a job with Verizon that will pay for relocation. I'm going to quit. Cash out my 401k and just take a leap of faith and move. I don't want to always play safe. The move I thing will be the shakeup that I very much need. Hmmm

Well off to bed, This is kinda just thrown together, random at best.

Ive reached a point where....

I for once have gained a large amount of clarity in my life as of late. Ive realized that as much as I think I am a great communicator, when it comes to certain things I am not. Ive realized that everything and everyone comes into your life for a reason. Sounds so cliche, but there is so much wisdom in that statement. There will also come a time when you or that other person has learned all they can and something happens to where one or both of you move on. Im realizing that alot of my anger and frustrations are really just being hurt. I have a huge defense mechanism of anger, to cover up hurt and sadness. To say things that I know, the person will not forget and potentially will be hurtful. Its not the right thing to do, but it is thing that comes up for me.

Ive also discovered why I reacted the way I finally did with Eric.Its because really and this is kinda sad for me. He is the first person I have every truly let in. Where I was myself and not afraid to just be. He showed me something completely different than what I have ever had or wanted. Compared to Nich( the prick) He was attentive and caring. He is the first person that ever called me beautiful and meant it. I mean Ive been called other adjectives like sexy or cutie pie, but never beautiful.
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 I , for the first time in my life  stopped trying so hard to make things happen and was able to just be. For that I am grateful for my experience with him. He taught me more about myself than I think anyone ever has. Deciding to cut off ties with him wasn't an easy one. I can say wholeheartedly  that I did love him. I guess I may have wanted more than he could give. I wanted who I know Mr Gingell has the capability and potential of being. He is so very  bright. Sadly,he hides behind a shield of mediocrity and pretends to apathetic. Such a bullshit Guise. I couldn't fix him. I wanted too. So badly.
My pops said it perfectly.  Christy, You know the only one you can change is yourself. You either love the person for who they are or move on. Its truly about what you can and will tolerate. Every person has baggage. Some good, Some bad. There will be things in any relationship that will drive you insane. Its about how you communicate your needs or what is bothering you. Know that ultimately you cant always have control. You will need to make compromises.
Ive discovered over the last month that I cant control anyone or anything but myself. People are not going to change who they are for you, Only for themselves. I am learning that it isnt my job to fix everything. I will do my best, in dating, in work and in life. But for others its about choice.
California caught me completely off guard. I know now, IF I could turn back time( OK funny guys get the Cher song out of yur heads) I would have asked more questions before we left. Also, I know that I would have reacted a lot differently if it had been discussed before we left about his financial situation. Its not like I am a mean,uncaring girlfriend. I truly did love him and wanted him to experience California with me.
Now, both of us are in a place of get the hell out of my life. We all hurt in different ways. For me I lash out.  I wonder if the outcome would have been different had I not have responded the way I did?? Who will ever know.
I did try to go out on a date a few weeks ago, but realize I'm not ready. I found myself talking about Eric. Ive actually caught myself, more than a few times doing this. After a talk with my therapist. I realize it is ok. Things will get better with time. All I can do is focus on myself and what I want to achieve with myself and my life

At 35, sadly I think the reason this hurt so very much is He was in a lot of ways my first true love. I mean Ive had a few boyfriends, but I spent most of the time serving them. Being ok with a bone thrown in my direction. Ive since realized that those were not love. Those were codependent not love. I needed to fulfill a need of if I act a certain way and do certain things then they will love me.

Lessons learned in life aren't always easy. Sometimes you have to make choices that you don't want to.  I need to be grateful for what I did gain from him and know that in the future, I want to meet someone that treats me the way he treated me.With the qualities that he had.
the end for today.