The last few weeks have been a roller coaster to say the least. My dad ended up in the hospital and now may have a hole in his heart. The dear man face booked this to me a few days ago.....I cannot express in words the thoughts that went through my head. I realize though that I cant fix him or his problems. I can voice my concerns and hope he listens but no guarantee . I'm worried sick about him. This is part of the reason I have not been updating much on here as of late.
Also I have realized that some I call friends truly are not. I have been grappling with this for a few days. Today something happened to me and I think I may have lost in some regards. It has become very clear to me that most of my 'friends' and I use that word loosely, only want me around when they have something to gain. For their comic relief or the nurturer who makes sure everyone is having a good time.
Today one of my now ex friends sent me a message about her baby blessing. This really pissed me off. Actually it wasn't anger, it was hurt. I haven't heard from her in well over Id dare say 9-10 mths and then when she needed or wanted something I all the sudden became important again. I guess I wonder where the hell was she and some of the others that I call friends when I needed her. I didn't get any texts, no calls....nothing. Nada. I had neighbors and acquaintances more concerned. Which there are a few I should thank. Thank you Paul for bringing me rock stars to stay awake. Thanks Mike for letting me cry and stop being strong. To all the others that did reach out thank you so much.
I today did tell said people how I felt, I didn't get a response and was deleted off of their facebook. Hey I guess now we are being honest. I,had mourned this relationship months ago. This person and I havent been friends for a long time. I am at point where I'm done pretending everything is ok. I am done being and enabler and a caretaker. Its not healthy for any of us.
I also dont want to be the life of the party. I dont want to be the person you bring along to make yourself and everyone else feel better. Besides the bar has been a substitute for whats going on in my head. I drink and get drunk to forget and not think about the many things in my life.
I cant do this anymore. Invite me to something that doesnt include alcohol or drama and I might come along. Or maybe not. Im not feeling social. My circle is getting smaller and smaller. I really dont care. As I told said person Im looking for quality not quantity. If I cant get that from those I call friends its time to get real and move on.
This is where I am at. good or bad, right or wrong. It is what it is. I am one and at peace with my decisions.
