A huge piece of Humble pie, served up to yours truly.

Been an interesting week or two. As you are all aware Ive been going to personal and group therapy for about a year and half. I really like my therapist. She has been a huge advocate for me. That is until she purposely pushed my buttons last week. It was due to the pain in the ass coworker that  had made it her life's mission to make my life hell. Two weeks ago I was done. I had followed the proper channels to get the issue fixed. I talked to managers, who then would talk to her(falling upon deaf ears) nothing was getting resolved. After nine months of putting up with her shitty attitude. I finally lost it. My managers couldn't fix it, My Hr consultant was too busy dealing with other drama. So I took matters into my own hands. I contacted my district manager. I was getting transferred or that  bitch was. One way or another. I told him a bit of the story. I was calm( which in moments like this are rare)  Just stating the facts. Well with in a day and a half she was moved. I felt pretty good about finally standing up for myself.
Well Stephanie said some things to me that struck a cord and truly offended me. Now usually when this occurs I disappear. I push the person away. Remove myself from a situation. This time however after taking a week off, processing through it, I made a conscious decision to face what had happened. To not runaway or shut her out. I went back. Was quiet for most of group and then she asked Chris do you want to add anything ?? Whats going on with you?? So, I started to cry and then told her that she had offended me. I wasn't mean, I wasn't aggressive. I just said my truth. Which Has started the healing/ fix what I can phase.

I ended up having a face book conversation with someone about what had occurred when dating. I had a moment of truth and weakness. I let this person know that I missed him and wanted to get back together. Now I knew the answer before I sent the email. I mean I had said some pretty horrific things. However, even knowing, I needed resolution and closure.  Some of the things that were said to me are so very true. I do have trust issues. I usually don't trust anyone with anything. It is hard to change years of a habit that Ive had since I was a child. Growing up in a home where My mother was more concerned about herself, than her children. I learned to trust no one. Not my mother, Not her scary ass boyfriends(trust me there were many), My family, My grandmother, My aunts.NO ONE.
They Were all sick mentally . Ive learned being in therapy that  a lot of these issues ,  had the trickle down effect and had been going on for generations. My family was sick.Not to aire too much dirty laundry.
 As a child though you wonder what can I do to make them love me, to notice me, to care for me. I was hopeless, Lonely, scared child. One more than one occasion I attempted, obviously without success to end it all. So I didn't have to experience all of the dysfunction. I saw far to much. I remember times of  getting the shit beat out of me for doing what was right. For telling the truth. There was always a consequence. Even  when I was taking on the role of parent. changing my sisters shitty diapers, feeding them( mom was too busy fucking some random dude to even care) loving them, caring for them. Letting them know of their  worth, Helping with school assignments. Forging signatures so that they would have permission to do things.. I was given a choice or a decision. I was  aka Mom.
I was informed by this person that I never trusted him. If only that was the truth. I put more trust in him than I have anyone else. Ever. In my whole life. In two months I had put down more walls than I ever had. I don't even know how to explain. I wanted him to know the dorky, quirky girl. The eccentric and insecure girl. The girl who smiled and wasn't afraid to cry. It was baby steps for me. I really did try.
 Then there was the things that I said on face book, I shouldn't have. It was childish, However I was hurt. If there was re do I may have done things differently. I didn't think of how it would effect him. I actually wasn't thinking at all.
The main take away from this face booking is this. Communication is key. You've gotta talk about things that may be uncomfortable. Not in a defensive manner, but a sincere place and approach. This person has taught me more than He may ever know. At the end of this I believe that the lessons learned from this experience will be able to help both of us to make different decisions and choices with the next person that we date.

mother eff....Im a bit of an emo.

Ive been reading through my blog posts from the last year or so. Its interesting to see my progress. From where I started and where I am now. I have done a lot of changing and growing. Lots of triumphs and life moments

I look at my small and short journey in a somewhat healthy relationship. I look at how far Ive come with loving and caring for myself. Ive discovered who I am becoming and wanting to be. I really like this new girl. I still have room for change and growth but Im doing really well. Embracing myself. The good, the bad and the in between. Ive learned what it means to stand up for whats right for me.  I may not be the most popular, but I will speak my mind and do it in a assertive manner.

I had a great Memorial weekend. A group of friends and myself rented a cabin and just hung out. Copious amounts of alcohol got consumed. Lots of laugh's all and all a great time. I did have a pretty comical moment. On Saturday we went into Heber City for an evening and just by a small chance Erics cousin was the bartender. Small effing world. It made me laugh. We struck up a conversation because of my Area 51 hoodie. He was telling me his cousin did Areoke on Wed night. I started to laugh, more uncomfortable than anything, Finished of two shots and then told him well Lial I know Mindy.  Small muther effing world. I told him I dated his cousin. Super cool cat. He kinda reminded me of Eric. Explains why I thought he was attractive. I guess we all have a type. Whats a girl to do...

Still looking for a job in California. Ive decided that if I cannot find a job with Verizon that will pay for relocation. I'm going to quit. Cash out my 401k and just take a leap of faith and move. I don't want to always play safe. The move I thing will be the shakeup that I very much need. Hmmm

Well off to bed, This is kinda just thrown together, random at best.

Ive reached a point where....

I for once have gained a large amount of clarity in my life as of late. Ive realized that as much as I think I am a great communicator, when it comes to certain things I am not. Ive realized that everything and everyone comes into your life for a reason. Sounds so cliche, but there is so much wisdom in that statement. There will also come a time when you or that other person has learned all they can and something happens to where one or both of you move on. Im realizing that alot of my anger and frustrations are really just being hurt. I have a huge defense mechanism of anger, to cover up hurt and sadness. To say things that I know, the person will not forget and potentially will be hurtful. Its not the right thing to do, but it is thing that comes up for me.

Ive also discovered why I reacted the way I finally did with Eric.Its because really and this is kinda sad for me. He is the first person I have every truly let in. Where I was myself and not afraid to just be. He showed me something completely different than what I have ever had or wanted. Compared to Nich( the prick) He was attentive and caring. He is the first person that ever called me beautiful and meant it. I mean Ive been called other adjectives like sexy or cutie pie, but never beautiful.
 .
 I , for the first time in my life  stopped trying so hard to make things happen and was able to just be. For that I am grateful for my experience with him. He taught me more about myself than I think anyone ever has. Deciding to cut off ties with him wasn't an easy one. I can say wholeheartedly  that I did love him. I guess I may have wanted more than he could give. I wanted who I know Mr Gingell has the capability and potential of being. He is so very  bright. Sadly,he hides behind a shield of mediocrity and pretends to apathetic. Such a bullshit Guise. I couldn't fix him. I wanted too. So badly.
My pops said it perfectly.  Christy, You know the only one you can change is yourself. You either love the person for who they are or move on. Its truly about what you can and will tolerate. Every person has baggage. Some good, Some bad. There will be things in any relationship that will drive you insane. Its about how you communicate your needs or what is bothering you. Know that ultimately you cant always have control. You will need to make compromises.
Ive discovered over the last month that I cant control anyone or anything but myself. People are not going to change who they are for you, Only for themselves. I am learning that it isnt my job to fix everything. I will do my best, in dating, in work and in life. But for others its about choice.
California caught me completely off guard. I know now, IF I could turn back time( OK funny guys get the Cher song out of yur heads) I would have asked more questions before we left. Also, I know that I would have reacted a lot differently if it had been discussed before we left about his financial situation. Its not like I am a mean,uncaring girlfriend. I truly did love him and wanted him to experience California with me.
Now, both of us are in a place of get the hell out of my life. We all hurt in different ways. For me I lash out.  I wonder if the outcome would have been different had I not have responded the way I did?? Who will ever know.
I did try to go out on a date a few weeks ago, but realize I'm not ready. I found myself talking about Eric. Ive actually caught myself, more than a few times doing this. After a talk with my therapist. I realize it is ok. Things will get better with time. All I can do is focus on myself and what I want to achieve with myself and my life

At 35, sadly I think the reason this hurt so very much is He was in a lot of ways my first true love. I mean Ive had a few boyfriends, but I spent most of the time serving them. Being ok with a bone thrown in my direction. Ive since realized that those were not love. Those were codependent not love. I needed to fulfill a need of if I act a certain way and do certain things then they will love me.

Lessons learned in life aren't always easy. Sometimes you have to make choices that you don't want to.  I need to be grateful for what I did gain from him and know that in the future, I want to meet someone that treats me the way he treated me.With the qualities that he had.
the end for today.

asking for help and accepting it.

I have has some wonderful lessons as of late. I honestly am not used to asking for help. I am strong willed, opinionated and will fight to fix stuff by myself to the bitter end....errrr Slams on Breaks.... What is this. I, Yes I am trying to be alot more humble. Trying to remember that there are a whole group of people out there like myself. Ones that are caring, nurturing and genuinely care and want to provide assistance to me. I have some wonderful people in my life. My family has been wonderful. My friends fantastic. How lucky am I.

I have decided to show what I am grateful for everyday in my life. Trying to post something daily about the wonderful things in my world. Everything from How beautiful the sunset is to people who assist me and want to help me make my quality of life better.  A new day is emerging and a new me. As of late Ive been in the dumps and beating myself up for decisions. At the time they were the right ones to make. Life is just a journey. One where we may stumble, or fall but can get back up and start a fresh the nexr day.

upside down and on the ground

Today I am sad. More sad then I have been in awhile. I guess when you strip away the bullshit anger you hide behind and start really thinking about things it gets pretty deep. As you all are aware I am on a journey of discovering and uncovering the real me. Ive been going to both personal and group therapy for awhile. Last week I had a break thru. I have started talking about my childhood and how it pertains to my eating disorder. This has put me in somewhat of a downward spiral.
 I guess Ive never truly wanted to deal with some of the past because it is excruciating painful. I have had to recall an aunt that took my innocence at a very young age. I am talking about My Mother and some of the things I endured as a child. I never really have wanted to discuss or talk about any of this. The fact that at the age of three, I was already getting the message that something was wrong with me. My Step grandfather, thought it would be funny to nickname me Fatback. Now as a small child who am I to say, God thats really mean. I wasnt. I was in survival mode. Followed by at the age of seven, My mother deciding because of my weight I needed to go on a slim fast diet. Followed by guilt trips and empty promises, If I could lose the weight.
This coupled with My mother picking some of the most god awful men. Men that  I felt I needed to protect my sisters and my mom from. I knew that if I remained bigger I could knock out those piece of shit fuckers that messed with me, My siblings and my mom
. I remember one in particular. His name was Robert Spears. He is the son of a bitch that molested my sister Angie. He had the audacity to say to me once "you better keep your friends and yourself away from me. They and you scare me. "  For me my weight has been my protection. Physically. Mentally and emotionally.
 Well with the emphasis being on my eating disorder and what caused this. It has stirred up a big pile of shit. Although this last week Ive just been letting myself feel. I guess this is why I feel so sad. Ive spent a lifetime hiding from me. A life time stuffing all of this with food and other addictions. A life time not wanting to deal and change things that really need to be undone from my childhood. To allow myself to be angry. To allow myself sadness and really all of the above. To just be in the emotions. To mourn a me that was innocent and didn't deserve a lot of the things that happened to me. My childhood affects my adult life in so many ways. Ive gotten a lot better, but have a long way to go.
 Its amazing to me that when you are sad, Its considered a bad thing. One that there is something wrong with you and you just need to buck up and be happy. Well fuck it.  I don't wanna do what I 'should' do.

Right now I feel lost, lonely and oft times misunderstood.  It has affected all areas of my life. I have been so desperate for love and attention. I often times have put up with a lot of shit. More than I ever should have. The last one is exempt from the above statement. He couldn't give me what I wanted or needed but he sure as hell tried. More than any of the others.
I keep wondering when does this end?? When do I start feeling better. When do I get to have this black cloud leave me?? One of my friends said something that I guess would be good advice, but I still wonder?? He said you get to chose. When you start seeing the positive in the bad that is when it gets better. Gee, thanks.That goes back to the whole just be happy. Fuck that. Bahh. I should probably stop writing now.

The interwebs

Over the last couple of days ive gained amazing amounts of clarity about a few things. First is I spend to much time wrapped up in my phone and most importantly I spend far to much time on Facebook. I often times will ignore everyone and everything and wrap my self up in some form of electronics. I do this because Im not sure how to act in a public setting. I found more often than not on my trip to California I may have missed out on few wonderful experiences because I was to wrapped up in distractions. My phone, Facebook and any other websites. I also have thought about my friendships in real life and on Facebook. Instead of actually nurturing and developing my relationships I only really have them Via Facebook the question I have posed to myself is this. How much interaction outside of Facebook have I had with over half of my Facebook friends. Better yet why am I allowing myself to live vicariously through others. Why am I not out there creating my own memories. Exploring the world?? Easy answer?? No.  I mean there have been some great things that have come from facebook. Ive reconnected with childhood friends I never thought I would see again. Ive been involved in great discussions that have lead to my learning. However, that being said. How much drama has this created for me?? Far more than I care to discuss. I am cutting my time down. Once a day tops if that. Once I check it. Im logging out. I cant keep living via the inter-webs. How is this living??

You get to be anyone on the internet. Even if it is a lie. Or a made up version of who you truly are. How much do I know about joe smo?? Not a fucking thing. I mean if I wanted to I could make myself sound rich, be a rockstar. Anything really. How is this living. Besides how do I truly get to know people that interest me If I only interact with them on the web?? Its time to reevaluate and For those I do keep on my list. We will be friends outside of the Web. My interpersonal skills have gone in the toilet with this. Im done.

Also, I am looking at many areas in my life. From the way I interact with people to how I choose to live my day to day life. I don't want to feel like I'm doing nothing. That I m stagnant. Stuck in a rut. I am focusing on short term and long term goals. Doing not just saying. I have started by going through all of my shit. I am a pack rat and really looking at all of this crap how much of it brings me joy?? Has value. Most has none. It represents a past, that I need to let go of.  The past has brought me a false sense of security. False being the operative word. So out with the old and in with the new. I know that sounds so cliche but it is what it is.

I had another therapy session today. The take away is I need to start living. I need to keep letting people who are good for me into my life. I also need to be kind to myself in this healing process. Start taking the bull by the horns in a gentle manner. I know that all of this work will pay off in the end but this process is painful. One where I often want to quit. In fact I did for awhile. After a time away and recent events that transpired.

 I  realize that I  need to keep plugging along. Recognizing my progress of where I was and where I am. Being gentle to others.Most importantly I need to be gentle with myself. Not be the parental figure of you did this and this wrong and if you ever attitude. Instead I will start asking more questions and take on an observer stance.  Not a scolding parent and not a sulking little child who runs away and hides. This behavior needs to stop and go away.

Next week Im starting to go to a group primarily focused on women with eating disorders.  A group where I get to start being real about the whys and the triggers that lead to the abuse of food For me. I am hoping and wanting this to be a positive experience for me. One where I gain understanding. Where I can grow, Learn and draw on the strength of others.  The overeating is a symptom of something much bigger and greater. Im not sure how to get better with this?? Damnit though I am going to try. Its time for change. If I keep living like this it will only get worse.

I know that some of this is very personal. I hope and know that many of us struggle with a ton of things in our life's. I'm hoping that if by blogging about this , I can inspire one person other than Myself .I have succeeded. Its seems at least for me the more I read the more I learn. I Know that there has to be at least one other person that feels this same way.

I love you all. I am starting to love me. Thank you for taking time to read about my journey. Til next time xoxo.
Chris

Forgiveness

Ive often thought Ive forgiven but then something happens that brings up past hurts and experiences. Recently I realized Im still carrying around a ton of emotional baggage from my childhood that  Ive thought Id dealt withbut realized I have not. Ive just stuffed it into the compartment called cant deal with this. Which in turn has caused a few issues in my adult life
. I have found that I am not very trusting and when I do trust it seems that I get hurt in one form or another. Which leads to me to lash out and to not only speak my truth, but speak my truth in a hurtful manner. I think this is one of my many defense mechanisms. The whole you have hurt me, so fuck you. I am going to say things that I know will in most cases end any relationship or friendship.
 I do not do well with being hurt. I retreat and push people away. Thats not to say that some of the individuals Ive gotten rid of have not been for the best. But what about those who are on my side. Love me?? Care for me?? After an extensive therapy session this last week ive come to realize that I have done more harm than anything to myself. With my mindset of I dont need anyone at all. I can do it by myself. I guess it is a message that was given to me as a child. From the time I was small. My mom was rarely there for me. There have been so many times my mom made the message loud and clear. Do it yourself. From being sick to having things come up in my childhood that a healthy parent would take care of. Not mine.
i'm not wanting to play the victim role, but this has shaped me as an adult.
 The world to me is distrusting and a scary place all around. I mean Im good at faking things. I show a smile to  the world, Am personable but you cant get in. You will not hurt me. Its a surface layer. One that I cant seem to let anyone in further
. I also have been making myself wrong for being a nurturer. Thinking what is wrong with me?? I always seem to attract people who need to be taken care of. . Content in where they are. The secret is? They are content.
 Instead of focusing on what I perceive as  short comings, I should be focusing on me. what I need to figure out about me?? Until I do my outbursts of anger will keep coming up. I will continue on a destructive path and in the end I will be alone. Which I obviously do not want.

The therapist and I are focusing on my childhood. Oh lord this scares me to no end. I generally have  tried not to think about my childhood. The physical and mental abuse.  Starting from a grandmother who has always derived great pleasure in making me feel like shit. From name calling to guilting me into believing that if I didnt do this or that I would create a catastrophic event . I havent had anything to do with this woman in well over 15 years. At this point I dont think I would shed a tear if she died. She has been a mean and vile person. A bully. Someone that doesnt even deserve the title of grandmother. This is why to me here name is Emma ( id like to say others but wont). So many things that have been said that arent true. So from a small child Ive been made to feel like shit. No wonder Im so hard on myself and others as an adult.

I have to keep reminding myself to practice self love and acceptance in this process. I wonder if I even know how?? I for awhile felt like I was getting better and then something happens in my life and I realize that Im not even close.  I'm definitely not back at square one, but Im not even close to being a whole person.

I realize that I dont know what self love or love is . Im sure I  have some semblance of it, From many but I find a way to fuck it up. I often wonder if I feel most content being miserable??? I know it doesnt make sense to me either but when things are going well I find a way to fix the situation...By fix I mean destroy it.  Instead of saying  wow that really hurt me. I end it. All of it. Hurt me once shame on you and shame on me for letting you, remember I am strong. I am woman. Hear me roar. I have always said I would never be like my mother and I wont. The way I do this isn't right either. I need to gain some boundaries. Once again though Im not sure how to get there. I feel like a lost soul, living in a fish bowl of life.

Not the most upbeat post, but this is where my frame of mind it. Its time to fish through all the Basura. To enter into parts of me Ive been avoiding.  To truly become whole.  Not sure where this journey will end, but I'm recommitting to myself and My healing. It may be hard, but I know it will be worth it.