I have has some wonderful lessons as of late. I honestly am not used to asking for help. I am strong willed, opinionated and will fight to fix stuff by myself to the bitter end....errrr Slams on Breaks.... What is this. I, Yes I am trying to be alot more humble. Trying to remember that there are a whole group of people out there like myself. Ones that are caring, nurturing and genuinely care and want to provide assistance to me. I have some wonderful people in my life. My family has been wonderful. My friends fantastic. How lucky am I.
I have decided to show what I am grateful for everyday in my life. Trying to post something daily about the wonderful things in my world. Everything from How beautiful the sunset is to people who assist me and want to help me make my quality of life better. A new day is emerging and a new me. As of late Ive been in the dumps and beating myself up for decisions. At the time they were the right ones to make. Life is just a journey. One where we may stumble, or fall but can get back up and start a fresh the nexr day.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
upside down and on the ground
Today I am sad. More sad then I have been in awhile. I guess when you strip away the bullshit anger you hide behind and start really thinking about things it gets pretty deep. As you all are aware I am on a journey of discovering and uncovering the real me. Ive been going to both personal and group therapy for awhile. Last week I had a break thru. I have started talking about my childhood and how it pertains to my eating disorder. This has put me in somewhat of a downward spiral.
I guess Ive never truly wanted to deal with some of the past because it is excruciating painful. I have had to recall an aunt that took my innocence at a very young age. I am talking about My Mother and some of the things I endured as a child. I never really have wanted to discuss or talk about any of this. The fact that at the age of three, I was already getting the message that something was wrong with me. My Step grandfather, thought it would be funny to nickname me Fatback. Now as a small child who am I to say, God thats really mean. I wasnt. I was in survival mode. Followed by at the age of seven, My mother deciding because of my weight I needed to go on a slim fast diet. Followed by guilt trips and empty promises, If I could lose the weight.
This coupled with My mother picking some of the most god awful men. Men that I felt I needed to protect my sisters and my mom from. I knew that if I remained bigger I could knock out those piece of shit fuckers that messed with me, My siblings and my mom
. I remember one in particular. His name was Robert Spears. He is the son of a bitch that molested my sister Angie. He had the audacity to say to me once "you better keep your friends and yourself away from me. They and you scare me. " For me my weight has been my protection. Physically. Mentally and emotionally.
Well with the emphasis being on my eating disorder and what caused this. It has stirred up a big pile of shit. Although this last week Ive just been letting myself feel. I guess this is why I feel so sad. Ive spent a lifetime hiding from me. A life time stuffing all of this with food and other addictions. A life time not wanting to deal and change things that really need to be undone from my childhood. To allow myself to be angry. To allow myself sadness and really all of the above. To just be in the emotions. To mourn a me that was innocent and didn't deserve a lot of the things that happened to me. My childhood affects my adult life in so many ways. Ive gotten a lot better, but have a long way to go.
Its amazing to me that when you are sad, Its considered a bad thing. One that there is something wrong with you and you just need to buck up and be happy. Well fuck it. I don't wanna do what I 'should' do.
Right now I feel lost, lonely and oft times misunderstood. It has affected all areas of my life. I have been so desperate for love and attention. I often times have put up with a lot of shit. More than I ever should have. The last one is exempt from the above statement. He couldn't give me what I wanted or needed but he sure as hell tried. More than any of the others.
I keep wondering when does this end?? When do I start feeling better. When do I get to have this black cloud leave me?? One of my friends said something that I guess would be good advice, but I still wonder?? He said you get to chose. When you start seeing the positive in the bad that is when it gets better. Gee, thanks.That goes back to the whole just be happy. Fuck that. Bahh. I should probably stop writing now.
I guess Ive never truly wanted to deal with some of the past because it is excruciating painful. I have had to recall an aunt that took my innocence at a very young age. I am talking about My Mother and some of the things I endured as a child. I never really have wanted to discuss or talk about any of this. The fact that at the age of three, I was already getting the message that something was wrong with me. My Step grandfather, thought it would be funny to nickname me Fatback. Now as a small child who am I to say, God thats really mean. I wasnt. I was in survival mode. Followed by at the age of seven, My mother deciding because of my weight I needed to go on a slim fast diet. Followed by guilt trips and empty promises, If I could lose the weight.
This coupled with My mother picking some of the most god awful men. Men that I felt I needed to protect my sisters and my mom from. I knew that if I remained bigger I could knock out those piece of shit fuckers that messed with me, My siblings and my mom
. I remember one in particular. His name was Robert Spears. He is the son of a bitch that molested my sister Angie. He had the audacity to say to me once "you better keep your friends and yourself away from me. They and you scare me. " For me my weight has been my protection. Physically. Mentally and emotionally.
Well with the emphasis being on my eating disorder and what caused this. It has stirred up a big pile of shit. Although this last week Ive just been letting myself feel. I guess this is why I feel so sad. Ive spent a lifetime hiding from me. A life time stuffing all of this with food and other addictions. A life time not wanting to deal and change things that really need to be undone from my childhood. To allow myself to be angry. To allow myself sadness and really all of the above. To just be in the emotions. To mourn a me that was innocent and didn't deserve a lot of the things that happened to me. My childhood affects my adult life in so many ways. Ive gotten a lot better, but have a long way to go.
Its amazing to me that when you are sad, Its considered a bad thing. One that there is something wrong with you and you just need to buck up and be happy. Well fuck it. I don't wanna do what I 'should' do.
Right now I feel lost, lonely and oft times misunderstood. It has affected all areas of my life. I have been so desperate for love and attention. I often times have put up with a lot of shit. More than I ever should have. The last one is exempt from the above statement. He couldn't give me what I wanted or needed but he sure as hell tried. More than any of the others.
I keep wondering when does this end?? When do I start feeling better. When do I get to have this black cloud leave me?? One of my friends said something that I guess would be good advice, but I still wonder?? He said you get to chose. When you start seeing the positive in the bad that is when it gets better. Gee, thanks.That goes back to the whole just be happy. Fuck that. Bahh. I should probably stop writing now.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
The interwebs
Over the last couple of days ive gained amazing amounts of clarity about a few things. First is I spend to much time wrapped up in my phone and most importantly I spend far to much time on Facebook. I often times will ignore everyone and everything and wrap my self up in some form of electronics. I do this because Im not sure how to act in a public setting. I found more often than not on my trip to California I may have missed out on few wonderful experiences because I was to wrapped up in distractions. My phone, Facebook and any other websites. I also have thought about my friendships in real life and on Facebook. Instead of actually nurturing and developing my relationships I only really have them Via Facebook the question I have posed to myself is this. How much interaction outside of Facebook have I had with over half of my Facebook friends. Better yet why am I allowing myself to live vicariously through others. Why am I not out there creating my own memories. Exploring the world?? Easy answer?? No. I mean there have been some great things that have come from facebook. Ive reconnected with childhood friends I never thought I would see again. Ive been involved in great discussions that have lead to my learning. However, that being said. How much drama has this created for me?? Far more than I care to discuss. I am cutting my time down. Once a day tops if that. Once I check it. Im logging out. I cant keep living via the inter-webs. How is this living??
You get to be anyone on the internet. Even if it is a lie. Or a made up version of who you truly are. How much do I know about joe smo?? Not a fucking thing. I mean if I wanted to I could make myself sound rich, be a rockstar. Anything really. How is this living. Besides how do I truly get to know people that interest me If I only interact with them on the web?? Its time to reevaluate and For those I do keep on my list. We will be friends outside of the Web. My interpersonal skills have gone in the toilet with this. Im done.
Also, I am looking at many areas in my life. From the way I interact with people to how I choose to live my day to day life. I don't want to feel like I'm doing nothing. That I m stagnant. Stuck in a rut. I am focusing on short term and long term goals. Doing not just saying. I have started by going through all of my shit. I am a pack rat and really looking at all of this crap how much of it brings me joy?? Has value. Most has none. It represents a past, that I need to let go of. The past has brought me a false sense of security. False being the operative word. So out with the old and in with the new. I know that sounds so cliche but it is what it is.
I had another therapy session today. The take away is I need to start living. I need to keep letting people who are good for me into my life. I also need to be kind to myself in this healing process. Start taking the bull by the horns in a gentle manner. I know that all of this work will pay off in the end but this process is painful. One where I often want to quit. In fact I did for awhile. After a time away and recent events that transpired.
I realize that I need to keep plugging along. Recognizing my progress of where I was and where I am. Being gentle to others.Most importantly I need to be gentle with myself. Not be the parental figure of you did this and this wrong and if you ever attitude. Instead I will start asking more questions and take on an observer stance. Not a scolding parent and not a sulking little child who runs away and hides. This behavior needs to stop and go away.
Next week Im starting to go to a group primarily focused on women with eating disorders. A group where I get to start being real about the whys and the triggers that lead to the abuse of food For me. I am hoping and wanting this to be a positive experience for me. One where I gain understanding. Where I can grow, Learn and draw on the strength of others. The overeating is a symptom of something much bigger and greater. Im not sure how to get better with this?? Damnit though I am going to try. Its time for change. If I keep living like this it will only get worse.
I know that some of this is very personal. I hope and know that many of us struggle with a ton of things in our life's. I'm hoping that if by blogging about this , I can inspire one person other than Myself .I have succeeded. Its seems at least for me the more I read the more I learn. I Know that there has to be at least one other person that feels this same way.
I love you all. I am starting to love me. Thank you for taking time to read about my journey. Til next time xoxo.
Chris
You get to be anyone on the internet. Even if it is a lie. Or a made up version of who you truly are. How much do I know about joe smo?? Not a fucking thing. I mean if I wanted to I could make myself sound rich, be a rockstar. Anything really. How is this living. Besides how do I truly get to know people that interest me If I only interact with them on the web?? Its time to reevaluate and For those I do keep on my list. We will be friends outside of the Web. My interpersonal skills have gone in the toilet with this. Im done.
Also, I am looking at many areas in my life. From the way I interact with people to how I choose to live my day to day life. I don't want to feel like I'm doing nothing. That I m stagnant. Stuck in a rut. I am focusing on short term and long term goals. Doing not just saying. I have started by going through all of my shit. I am a pack rat and really looking at all of this crap how much of it brings me joy?? Has value. Most has none. It represents a past, that I need to let go of. The past has brought me a false sense of security. False being the operative word. So out with the old and in with the new. I know that sounds so cliche but it is what it is.
I had another therapy session today. The take away is I need to start living. I need to keep letting people who are good for me into my life. I also need to be kind to myself in this healing process. Start taking the bull by the horns in a gentle manner. I know that all of this work will pay off in the end but this process is painful. One where I often want to quit. In fact I did for awhile. After a time away and recent events that transpired.
I realize that I need to keep plugging along. Recognizing my progress of where I was and where I am. Being gentle to others.Most importantly I need to be gentle with myself. Not be the parental figure of you did this and this wrong and if you ever attitude. Instead I will start asking more questions and take on an observer stance. Not a scolding parent and not a sulking little child who runs away and hides. This behavior needs to stop and go away.
Next week Im starting to go to a group primarily focused on women with eating disorders. A group where I get to start being real about the whys and the triggers that lead to the abuse of food For me. I am hoping and wanting this to be a positive experience for me. One where I gain understanding. Where I can grow, Learn and draw on the strength of others. The overeating is a symptom of something much bigger and greater. Im not sure how to get better with this?? Damnit though I am going to try. Its time for change. If I keep living like this it will only get worse.
I know that some of this is very personal. I hope and know that many of us struggle with a ton of things in our life's. I'm hoping that if by blogging about this , I can inspire one person other than Myself .I have succeeded. Its seems at least for me the more I read the more I learn. I Know that there has to be at least one other person that feels this same way.
I love you all. I am starting to love me. Thank you for taking time to read about my journey. Til next time xoxo.
Chris
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Forgiveness
Ive often thought Ive forgiven but then something happens that brings up past hurts and experiences. Recently I realized Im still carrying around a ton of emotional baggage from my childhood that Ive thought Id dealt withbut realized I have not. Ive just stuffed it into the compartment called cant deal with this. Which in turn has caused a few issues in my adult life
. I have found that I am not very trusting and when I do trust it seems that I get hurt in one form or another. Which leads to me to lash out and to not only speak my truth, but speak my truth in a hurtful manner. I think this is one of my many defense mechanisms. The whole you have hurt me, so fuck you. I am going to say things that I know will in most cases end any relationship or friendship.
I do not do well with being hurt. I retreat and push people away. Thats not to say that some of the individuals Ive gotten rid of have not been for the best. But what about those who are on my side. Love me?? Care for me?? After an extensive therapy session this last week ive come to realize that I have done more harm than anything to myself. With my mindset of I dont need anyone at all. I can do it by myself. I guess it is a message that was given to me as a child. From the time I was small. My mom was rarely there for me. There have been so many times my mom made the message loud and clear. Do it yourself. From being sick to having things come up in my childhood that a healthy parent would take care of. Not mine.
i'm not wanting to play the victim role, but this has shaped me as an adult.
The world to me is distrusting and a scary place all around. I mean Im good at faking things. I show a smile to the world, Am personable but you cant get in. You will not hurt me. Its a surface layer. One that I cant seem to let anyone in further
. I also have been making myself wrong for being a nurturer. Thinking what is wrong with me?? I always seem to attract people who need to be taken care of. . Content in where they are. The secret is? They are content.
Instead of focusing on what I perceive as short comings, I should be focusing on me. what I need to figure out about me?? Until I do my outbursts of anger will keep coming up. I will continue on a destructive path and in the end I will be alone. Which I obviously do not want.
The therapist and I are focusing on my childhood. Oh lord this scares me to no end. I generally have tried not to think about my childhood. The physical and mental abuse. Starting from a grandmother who has always derived great pleasure in making me feel like shit. From name calling to guilting me into believing that if I didnt do this or that I would create a catastrophic event . I havent had anything to do with this woman in well over 15 years. At this point I dont think I would shed a tear if she died. She has been a mean and vile person. A bully. Someone that doesnt even deserve the title of grandmother. This is why to me here name is Emma ( id like to say others but wont). So many things that have been said that arent true. So from a small child Ive been made to feel like shit. No wonder Im so hard on myself and others as an adult.
I have to keep reminding myself to practice self love and acceptance in this process. I wonder if I even know how?? I for awhile felt like I was getting better and then something happens in my life and I realize that Im not even close. I'm definitely not back at square one, but Im not even close to being a whole person.
I realize that I dont know what self love or love is . Im sure I have some semblance of it, From many but I find a way to fuck it up. I often wonder if I feel most content being miserable??? I know it doesnt make sense to me either but when things are going well I find a way to fix the situation...By fix I mean destroy it. Instead of saying wow that really hurt me. I end it. All of it. Hurt me once shame on you and shame on me for letting you, remember I am strong. I am woman. Hear me roar. I have always said I would never be like my mother and I wont. The way I do this isn't right either. I need to gain some boundaries. Once again though Im not sure how to get there. I feel like a lost soul, living in a fish bowl of life.
Not the most upbeat post, but this is where my frame of mind it. Its time to fish through all the Basura. To enter into parts of me Ive been avoiding. To truly become whole. Not sure where this journey will end, but I'm recommitting to myself and My healing. It may be hard, but I know it will be worth it.
. I have found that I am not very trusting and when I do trust it seems that I get hurt in one form or another. Which leads to me to lash out and to not only speak my truth, but speak my truth in a hurtful manner. I think this is one of my many defense mechanisms. The whole you have hurt me, so fuck you. I am going to say things that I know will in most cases end any relationship or friendship.
I do not do well with being hurt. I retreat and push people away. Thats not to say that some of the individuals Ive gotten rid of have not been for the best. But what about those who are on my side. Love me?? Care for me?? After an extensive therapy session this last week ive come to realize that I have done more harm than anything to myself. With my mindset of I dont need anyone at all. I can do it by myself. I guess it is a message that was given to me as a child. From the time I was small. My mom was rarely there for me. There have been so many times my mom made the message loud and clear. Do it yourself. From being sick to having things come up in my childhood that a healthy parent would take care of. Not mine.
i'm not wanting to play the victim role, but this has shaped me as an adult.
The world to me is distrusting and a scary place all around. I mean Im good at faking things. I show a smile to the world, Am personable but you cant get in. You will not hurt me. Its a surface layer. One that I cant seem to let anyone in further
. I also have been making myself wrong for being a nurturer. Thinking what is wrong with me?? I always seem to attract people who need to be taken care of. . Content in where they are. The secret is? They are content.
Instead of focusing on what I perceive as short comings, I should be focusing on me. what I need to figure out about me?? Until I do my outbursts of anger will keep coming up. I will continue on a destructive path and in the end I will be alone. Which I obviously do not want.
The therapist and I are focusing on my childhood. Oh lord this scares me to no end. I generally have tried not to think about my childhood. The physical and mental abuse. Starting from a grandmother who has always derived great pleasure in making me feel like shit. From name calling to guilting me into believing that if I didnt do this or that I would create a catastrophic event . I havent had anything to do with this woman in well over 15 years. At this point I dont think I would shed a tear if she died. She has been a mean and vile person. A bully. Someone that doesnt even deserve the title of grandmother. This is why to me here name is Emma ( id like to say others but wont). So many things that have been said that arent true. So from a small child Ive been made to feel like shit. No wonder Im so hard on myself and others as an adult.
I have to keep reminding myself to practice self love and acceptance in this process. I wonder if I even know how?? I for awhile felt like I was getting better and then something happens in my life and I realize that Im not even close. I'm definitely not back at square one, but Im not even close to being a whole person.
I realize that I dont know what self love or love is . Im sure I have some semblance of it, From many but I find a way to fuck it up. I often wonder if I feel most content being miserable??? I know it doesnt make sense to me either but when things are going well I find a way to fix the situation...By fix I mean destroy it. Instead of saying wow that really hurt me. I end it. All of it. Hurt me once shame on you and shame on me for letting you, remember I am strong. I am woman. Hear me roar. I have always said I would never be like my mother and I wont. The way I do this isn't right either. I need to gain some boundaries. Once again though Im not sure how to get there. I feel like a lost soul, living in a fish bowl of life.
Not the most upbeat post, but this is where my frame of mind it. Its time to fish through all the Basura. To enter into parts of me Ive been avoiding. To truly become whole. Not sure where this journey will end, but I'm recommitting to myself and My healing. It may be hard, but I know it will be worth it.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Adorkable!!!
My how time flies when you are having fun. I have not wrote anything on here in well over 5 months. This last year or so has been quite the ride. the end of 2010 into 2011 was about transformation in my life. As most of you are aware I spent the last yr working on making myself a whole person. Well Ive always been a whole person but ive thought differently of myself. I, by focusing on me have learned so many things. Let go of stuff from the past and also alot of my coulda, shoulda , woulda.
The anger, The hate of others and myself are non existent . I let go of past hurts ranging from a childhood that did not go the way I thought it should. Ive let go of being angry at my mom for not being mother of the year. I still think shes a nut job sometimes, However Ive come to accept her for her. For the things she did try to do for us. In the long run I have a pretty amazing family. My mom instilled love and togetherness in all of us. We sisters are very close nit.
Another amazing thing that happened is I finally let go of the ex. I was no longer angry with him. I no longer wished him ill will. Instead and Im still shocked this came from my mouth, I wished him healing and wellness. I Learned a ton from him. Not all bad. Ive chosen to take the good and bad and apply it to others in my life. I guess this is what life is about. Living and learning.
I did put the weight loss on the back burner. To be far and honest this is something that I am still struggling with. I need to recommit myself and start rocking it. I wont make excuses. I made other things a priority and this was not one of them. As Im writing this Im going to recommit myself to being the best I can be.
A huge thing that recently happened is Ive fallen in love. Not just in love with love, but In love with someone who is so amazing and treats me so well. I have myself a fellow nurturer. Who just gets me. I know Im an odd duck and he knows it too. Even with that he loves me. It is kinda funny how we reconnected. It was via the interwebs. I grew up with him. We went to the same Junior high and Highschool. I knew of him because his little sister was friends with my little sister. In looking back on the past I never thought in a million years I would be dating someone that I grew up with in Taylorsville. I actually at 18 yrs old said I would never go back in the neighborhood or have anything to do with the folks I grew up with. The universe had other Ideas for me. Thank goodness for that. I feel so lucky, So blessed. Somedays it seems surreal. I love the fact that he just lets me be me. No expectations. He doesnt want to change me. He just wants to love me.
I also realized that Ive had huge walls put up around me. Ive not wanted to let people in. Alot of the times I will do something to push them away. I am now in a place where I am open again. Its ok that I want to take care of others. This is not a bad thing. There just needs to be a balance. I also have learned that not everyone deserves my love or time. Ive done alot of releasing of old "friends" who have used and treated me poorly to make themselves feel better. I also am no longer afraid to just say my truth. Without being rude or mean.
I am still human and struggle with this one occasionally. Sometimes I am a little too honest. But what are you going to do except keep learning what works and what doesnt work.
I have had some great support this last year, and so I dont forget. I need to acknowledge and give credit to My close friends, You know who you are and my siblings. You have been my light when all I thought I could see was darkness. I love you all dearly.
The anger, The hate of others and myself are non existent . I let go of past hurts ranging from a childhood that did not go the way I thought it should. Ive let go of being angry at my mom for not being mother of the year. I still think shes a nut job sometimes, However Ive come to accept her for her. For the things she did try to do for us. In the long run I have a pretty amazing family. My mom instilled love and togetherness in all of us. We sisters are very close nit.
Another amazing thing that happened is I finally let go of the ex. I was no longer angry with him. I no longer wished him ill will. Instead and Im still shocked this came from my mouth, I wished him healing and wellness. I Learned a ton from him. Not all bad. Ive chosen to take the good and bad and apply it to others in my life. I guess this is what life is about. Living and learning.
I did put the weight loss on the back burner. To be far and honest this is something that I am still struggling with. I need to recommit myself and start rocking it. I wont make excuses. I made other things a priority and this was not one of them. As Im writing this Im going to recommit myself to being the best I can be.
A huge thing that recently happened is Ive fallen in love. Not just in love with love, but In love with someone who is so amazing and treats me so well. I have myself a fellow nurturer. Who just gets me. I know Im an odd duck and he knows it too. Even with that he loves me. It is kinda funny how we reconnected. It was via the interwebs. I grew up with him. We went to the same Junior high and Highschool. I knew of him because his little sister was friends with my little sister. In looking back on the past I never thought in a million years I would be dating someone that I grew up with in Taylorsville. I actually at 18 yrs old said I would never go back in the neighborhood or have anything to do with the folks I grew up with. The universe had other Ideas for me. Thank goodness for that. I feel so lucky, So blessed. Somedays it seems surreal. I love the fact that he just lets me be me. No expectations. He doesnt want to change me. He just wants to love me.
I also realized that Ive had huge walls put up around me. Ive not wanted to let people in. Alot of the times I will do something to push them away. I am now in a place where I am open again. Its ok that I want to take care of others. This is not a bad thing. There just needs to be a balance. I also have learned that not everyone deserves my love or time. Ive done alot of releasing of old "friends" who have used and treated me poorly to make themselves feel better. I also am no longer afraid to just say my truth. Without being rude or mean.
I am still human and struggle with this one occasionally. Sometimes I am a little too honest. But what are you going to do except keep learning what works and what doesnt work.
I have had some great support this last year, and so I dont forget. I need to acknowledge and give credit to My close friends, You know who you are and my siblings. You have been my light when all I thought I could see was darkness. I love you all dearly.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
My health mentally and Physically
The last few months have been insane. With work changes, Home changes and life changes...Whoa time sure flies. I am still on my journey of becoming healthy and whole. I have had a few things happen over the last few monthes that have changed alot of my view points about health and well being.
My Dad got very sick and ended up in the hospital a few months ago. I love the man to death, but it seems like most in my family he waits to get medical help until it is sooo bad that he lands himself in the hospital. Part of this can be attibuted to his lack of caring for himself. Ie he has Type 1 diabetes but hasnt been taking proper meds. Due to choices made He has not been financially able to do so. Thank god for him going to the hospital. He is now on what seems a much better path. Yeah!!
On mental health as most of you are aware I have become ok with being honest about my relationship with food. It is and will always be my comfort. My security blanket. However Now I know that this is alright and I get to choose wether or not I have a healthy relationship with it and me. This has been a struggle. I am finding as I become more self aware that food is there for my nourishment. Not there to fill in alot of swiss cheese holes that ive had in my mind and life. Im finding that im not always going to be in a great mood. Life will happen, but I get to choose how I respond to it and myself.
The next lesson is accountability for myself and others. Someone that ive called friend for well over 20 yrs recently had his partner die from lack of caring for himself. This honestly freaked me out. I have been to a few funerals, but Ive never seen death. I saw this man laying in a bed of his own vomit. All I could thing is oh hell This is so sad.As my aquaintance( a different story for perhaps another segment of this) started cleaning out his partners cupboards I recognized alot of the drugs he was taking.Not because I am a junky, but because I have some of those drugs in my own cupboard. At that point something in me clicked. I am fucking done. I am done with not caring for myself. I am going to control what I can control. I cant control my Ms, but I can control all of the other health issues. Seeing this person made me also think, wow He is only 45 ten years older than myself. If I dont start making changes this could be me. I have so much life left. So many things I want to accomplish and do.
The Gym has become my therapy. When I am Happy,When Im pissed, When im sad, When Im lonely. . I know that I want a great quality of life and that begins with me. I get to choose. Not someone else how my story will go. I am feeling so much better. The other is I am journaling my food. What ive eaten throughout the day. I am seeing some patterns. I am however not beating myself up. If I have a bad day, its exactly that. Not something that means defeat. Adopting this attitude has helped tremendously.
I did recently have a bit of a relapse with my ms and this did put me on a downward spiral, but in times like this you get to really evaluate your quality of life. What is important to you. I didnt realize that I was going too fast and for what? To be miserable?? I most definately am going to be making some changes in my life all together. I cant go into too much detail on that right now, but changes are happening.
The last is the importance of letting go of those that are no good for you. I have codependency issues. Or have had them. I found this out with said friend from above. I, enabled him and his using ways. I agreed to let him stay with me. Which ended up very trying. I set boundaries with him and he didnt think I was serious about those boundaries and time lines. I am in recovery and I cannot let anyone stop my progress. So because this person chose to act and behave in innapropriate ways. I kicked him out. I am done with users and abusers. I let this happen and it will not happen ever again. Thats not to say I wont be a great friend and help someone out. Right now its I am only willing to help those that want to help themselves.
This is where I am at....Loving every minute of finding out about me....
thanks for reading. Hopefully I wont wait another six months to post something.
Chris
My Dad got very sick and ended up in the hospital a few months ago. I love the man to death, but it seems like most in my family he waits to get medical help until it is sooo bad that he lands himself in the hospital. Part of this can be attibuted to his lack of caring for himself. Ie he has Type 1 diabetes but hasnt been taking proper meds. Due to choices made He has not been financially able to do so. Thank god for him going to the hospital. He is now on what seems a much better path. Yeah!!
On mental health as most of you are aware I have become ok with being honest about my relationship with food. It is and will always be my comfort. My security blanket. However Now I know that this is alright and I get to choose wether or not I have a healthy relationship with it and me. This has been a struggle. I am finding as I become more self aware that food is there for my nourishment. Not there to fill in alot of swiss cheese holes that ive had in my mind and life. Im finding that im not always going to be in a great mood. Life will happen, but I get to choose how I respond to it and myself.
The next lesson is accountability for myself and others. Someone that ive called friend for well over 20 yrs recently had his partner die from lack of caring for himself. This honestly freaked me out. I have been to a few funerals, but Ive never seen death. I saw this man laying in a bed of his own vomit. All I could thing is oh hell This is so sad.As my aquaintance( a different story for perhaps another segment of this) started cleaning out his partners cupboards I recognized alot of the drugs he was taking.Not because I am a junky, but because I have some of those drugs in my own cupboard. At that point something in me clicked. I am fucking done. I am done with not caring for myself. I am going to control what I can control. I cant control my Ms, but I can control all of the other health issues. Seeing this person made me also think, wow He is only 45 ten years older than myself. If I dont start making changes this could be me. I have so much life left. So many things I want to accomplish and do.
The Gym has become my therapy. When I am Happy,When Im pissed, When im sad, When Im lonely. . I know that I want a great quality of life and that begins with me. I get to choose. Not someone else how my story will go. I am feeling so much better. The other is I am journaling my food. What ive eaten throughout the day. I am seeing some patterns. I am however not beating myself up. If I have a bad day, its exactly that. Not something that means defeat. Adopting this attitude has helped tremendously.
I did recently have a bit of a relapse with my ms and this did put me on a downward spiral, but in times like this you get to really evaluate your quality of life. What is important to you. I didnt realize that I was going too fast and for what? To be miserable?? I most definately am going to be making some changes in my life all together. I cant go into too much detail on that right now, but changes are happening.
The last is the importance of letting go of those that are no good for you. I have codependency issues. Or have had them. I found this out with said friend from above. I, enabled him and his using ways. I agreed to let him stay with me. Which ended up very trying. I set boundaries with him and he didnt think I was serious about those boundaries and time lines. I am in recovery and I cannot let anyone stop my progress. So because this person chose to act and behave in innapropriate ways. I kicked him out. I am done with users and abusers. I let this happen and it will not happen ever again. Thats not to say I wont be a great friend and help someone out. Right now its I am only willing to help those that want to help themselves.
This is where I am at....Loving every minute of finding out about me....
thanks for reading. Hopefully I wont wait another six months to post something.
Chris
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Thats the way the cookie crumbles....
The last few weeks have been a roller coaster to say the least. My dad ended up in the hospital and now may have a hole in his heart. The dear man face booked this to me a few days ago.....I cannot express in words the thoughts that went through my head. I realize though that I cant fix him or his problems. I can voice my concerns and hope he listens but no guarantee . I'm worried sick about him. This is part of the reason I have not been updating much on here as of late.
Also I have realized that some I call friends truly are not. I have been grappling with this for a few days. Today something happened to me and I think I may have lost in some regards. It has become very clear to me that most of my 'friends' and I use that word loosely, only want me around when they have something to gain. For their comic relief or the nurturer who makes sure everyone is having a good time.
Today one of my now ex friends sent me a message about her baby blessing. This really pissed me off. Actually it wasn't anger, it was hurt. I haven't heard from her in well over Id dare say 9-10 mths and then when she needed or wanted something I all the sudden became important again. I guess I wonder where the hell was she and some of the others that I call friends when I needed her. I didn't get any texts, no calls....nothing. Nada. I had neighbors and acquaintances more concerned. Which there are a few I should thank. Thank you Paul for bringing me rock stars to stay awake. Thanks Mike for letting me cry and stop being strong. To all the others that did reach out thank you so much.
I today did tell said people how I felt, I didn't get a response and was deleted off of their facebook. Hey I guess now we are being honest. I,had mourned this relationship months ago. This person and I havent been friends for a long time. I am at point where I'm done pretending everything is ok. I am done being and enabler and a caretaker. Its not healthy for any of us.
I also dont want to be the life of the party. I dont want to be the person you bring along to make yourself and everyone else feel better. Besides the bar has been a substitute for whats going on in my head. I drink and get drunk to forget and not think about the many things in my life.
I cant do this anymore. Invite me to something that doesnt include alcohol or drama and I might come along. Or maybe not. Im not feeling social. My circle is getting smaller and smaller. I really dont care. As I told said person Im looking for quality not quantity. If I cant get that from those I call friends its time to get real and move on.
This is where I am at. good or bad, right or wrong. It is what it is. I am one and at peace with my decisions.
Also I have realized that some I call friends truly are not. I have been grappling with this for a few days. Today something happened to me and I think I may have lost in some regards. It has become very clear to me that most of my 'friends' and I use that word loosely, only want me around when they have something to gain. For their comic relief or the nurturer who makes sure everyone is having a good time.
Today one of my now ex friends sent me a message about her baby blessing. This really pissed me off. Actually it wasn't anger, it was hurt. I haven't heard from her in well over Id dare say 9-10 mths and then when she needed or wanted something I all the sudden became important again. I guess I wonder where the hell was she and some of the others that I call friends when I needed her. I didn't get any texts, no calls....nothing. Nada. I had neighbors and acquaintances more concerned. Which there are a few I should thank. Thank you Paul for bringing me rock stars to stay awake. Thanks Mike for letting me cry and stop being strong. To all the others that did reach out thank you so much.
I today did tell said people how I felt, I didn't get a response and was deleted off of their facebook. Hey I guess now we are being honest. I,had mourned this relationship months ago. This person and I havent been friends for a long time. I am at point where I'm done pretending everything is ok. I am done being and enabler and a caretaker. Its not healthy for any of us.
I also dont want to be the life of the party. I dont want to be the person you bring along to make yourself and everyone else feel better. Besides the bar has been a substitute for whats going on in my head. I drink and get drunk to forget and not think about the many things in my life.
I cant do this anymore. Invite me to something that doesnt include alcohol or drama and I might come along. Or maybe not. Im not feeling social. My circle is getting smaller and smaller. I really dont care. As I told said person Im looking for quality not quantity. If I cant get that from those I call friends its time to get real and move on.
This is where I am at. good or bad, right or wrong. It is what it is. I am one and at peace with my decisions.
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