Im having a love affair with myself

I am in a strange, almost foreign place. I am finally getting how truly kickass I am and how I am the only person standing in my way. It is amazing how so many things start to change when You start loving yourself.  I am finding that I want to heal my outside and inside too. I am working with my therapist to heal the inside. I am going to the gym two to three times a week. Sometimes more. I have embraced vegetarianism once again. It started as an experiment but I think I am going to keep up with this. I have never felt better in my whole life. I recently met with my Neurologist and for the first time in a couple of years I got a clean bill of health as far as the ms is concerned. This felt really good. I think this is because I truly am taking care of me for the first time in my life. Instead of caring for everyone else.  I am getting that people actually like me for me. Not for me taking care of them. Those that got used to manipulating and controlling me are disappearing quickly. Seems they are not a fan of the new me. Im still working through my eating disorder, but I take it day by day. I am finding more and more I am having good days vs bad.
 I am hanging out with some new and cool peeps. I am learning lessons from them daily. The most valuable thing is that they love me for me. Even though I am eccentric and oft times a little strange. haha. Part of my charm.
 I am letting go of people from the past thatI have all taught me valuable lessons. Most not good lessons. I will refrain from naming anyone. Lets just say im glad the deadwood is gone. After watching eat, pray, love I get it. I can love all the ones I have loved but sometimes your time is done with them and I must decide to release them to the universe with love and hope for the future. Not anger or hatred. Just peace and love. Wow, when you start letting go of the built up anger that only a passive/aggressive person carries. Things change, you change.
There are some areas that I am still working on and probably will be for awhile. My childhood being the main thing. Some of it far to personal to share on here. maybe at a later time when I have talked to the individuals involved and have finally healed. Right now I am finding that I am far to pist off at them. I am saying things that as a child I felt I couldnt.  It is seeping out in sometimes not the best of ways. I guess im not going to be perfect its only been three months since this journey has begun. Time and talking about things will heal all wounds.

Hope everyone is having or had a wonderful valentines day. Hearts and such.
Chris

some contentment and also some frustrations.....

So its been awhile since ive posted on here. Super busy with work and the I phone launch. Hmmmm whats new. Well first I have switched stores. I feel like this change has rejuvenated my spirit and love of my Job. In my transitions of life this was the best choice I could make. In my personal life I am noticing a shift in me. I am feeling a lot more confident. I want to be the best me. Ive joined a gym, Im watching what I eat. I am on a ton of supplements to get my health where it needs to be. For once I am taking care of me and not anyone else. Wow what a difference a couple of months make. Dont get me wrong I, like everyone else still have struggles. I saw my aunt the other night and it put me in the foulest of moods. Some things happened to me as a child from her That I had blocked from my memory until recently. I am not sure how to confront this woman that I have maybe spoken 10 words to in almost 12 years. I did find myself wanting to lash out at this woman for anything and everything I can. She posted something on  my mothers facebook that was down right mean and I would say on the verge of being cruel. I did respond back with something that was not nice at all. The nice, doormat kind of girl has left the building. Sometimes to be replaced with someone who can be a Fucking Cunt. I think with her it is because she took away some of my childhood innocence. Then there is my mother. Oh my god. I seriously want to knock some sense into that woman. Which, Unfortunately I will never be able to do. She is so manipulative it is not even funny. One of my younger sisters is going through some pretty serious things and instead of being supportive and loving to this sister. She is trying to guilt my sister into feeling bad about her choice by telling her that this decision is going to put her in the hospital. News flash woman....Smoking and eating poorly for the last 30 yrs is what is going to put you in the hospital. I love how Most adults in my family refuse to take accountability for themselves and actions. Instead they want to place blame on anyone and everyone they can. It drives me fucking bonkers....

On the dating front I went on a lovely lunch date with someone today. Very nice guy. I am really liking this whole dating thing. This really is the first time I have ever in my life just dated.  I like actually getting to know someone, on a different level than what I have been able to do in the past. Hell recently Ive actually started to not use men and it makes a difference. My father left a nugget or gem so to speak with me a couple of weeks ago. When I told him my fear of actually being in a healthy relationship or dating someone I don't have to fix. He said Christy there are a ton of men out there that are nice and want to take care of you. So let them. Truere words to me have never been spoken. I am not perfect in this yet. Its baby steps. I still find myself instead of waiting for doors to be open, trying to it for myself. Oh lol. The independent one....It does feel nice to be treated like a lady and valued for my opinions and thoughts.

Well once again I am writing a novel.....Have a good night all

Chris


Chris

Its been a couple of days...

Its been a couple of days since I posted on here. Due to craziness with work and going to Denver for our kick off meetings. The trip its self was too short to really do much. We didnt get in til about 130 and well had a couple of hrs to lallygag around but not to much. My boss was insane, but fun. Anyone who has been in a car with me, Imagine me only ten times worse. I have realized that I dont necessarily like some of my fellow employees outside of work. It amazes me how different some of them are.  Night and day. Some, after our work trip I dont think I would want to hang out with ever again. It amazes me how fake people can be. I dont understand really??? In other news I am so excited. After three years of being at the Jordan landing, I am moving to our ft union location. I am happy for a few reasons. One it is closer to home. Two I get to start fresh. I have needed change for a very long time. I feel like I have been stuck in a rut. Also it will be nice to get away from some on the nonsense that is allowed where I currently am. Im also excited because we will be getting a new, remodeled store. I am so excited to be apart of this. Even more excited that my current assistant, soon to be manager recommended me. Yeah. Feb 1 is my start date. I cannot wait. Things are getting better. Slowly but they are getting there. I am still struggling with a few things. The nutritionist has wanted me to keep a food jounal. I suck at this.I only have fragments of my days. I guess I could lie to her but what is the point??? pfft. I will go with what I have and go from there. I did rejoin a gym and I have to tell you that I feel so much better when I go. Mentally it allows me to think about things in my day to day life. Physically its amazing. Anywho I need to get ready for work.
This is me signing off. til later-----

today is a new day.....

Yesterday while walking the park I had a few thoughts come into my head. The first was about addiction and addictive personalities. The reason this has come up for me is I am one. As you are aware over the last month or so I have come to terms with a few things in my day to day life. I love food, I love alcohol. I love being extreme. What has come to my mind is it is ok to have an addictive personality. Lots of us do. We may not even realize that we do. Since really stepping outside of me and being and observer so to speak in my life. I have become very self aware that I need to start having positive outlets. For instance exercise. I need to change my mindset about exercise. In making it a means for weight loss. I, going forward will be thinking about it as a health benefit. An outlet to release pent up aggression and emotions. I will not let it become an addiction again like I did ten yrs or so ago. I will be creating a balance. Doing what I want and love. Not feeling obligated.
Also during this process I will be giving up alcohol. After my experience on New Years Eve. I am clear about a few things. One I have used alcohol as a social outlet for far to long. I, in my head have thought this will make me more fun and I will be who I genuinely want to be. UMMM why do I need alcohol to be this person. I have been doing this for so long that im not sure what it looks like without alcohol. I am calling this the Chris Einfalt experiment to healthy living without a bottle and food. I have turned down a few social activities so that the temptation isn't there. Addicts a lot of times have to do this.

I want to be a positive person. A healthy person. To surround myself with other healthy and happy people.
There is a reason your parents and other adults tell you to Be careful about the company you keep.
My therapist said something to me a couple of weeks ago and it struck a cord.  It was this. Always look for things that make you happy now and through this journey of self. What a great reminder. Ya know what it has made all the difference. I am noticing the small things that make me smile. The little girl who doesnt care what anyone things about her glittery keds and pajamas. I think I can definately take a page out of the book from this girl. Individuality is an amazing thing.Why is it we, and I include myself in this forget how great it is to just be?? To not give a shit what others have to say??? Another book I am enjoying to the left.

Yesterday vs Today...done and done!!

So from the saga of yesterday, Here is the outcome. Said person started to text me yesterday because he of course could not fix his own issue. He of course wanted to continue to have contact with me for some fucked up reason.Well I sent him an email with the solution and due to not wanting to be dramatic I finally told him that from now on I cant help him with anything. I know him and per the company policy we are not supposed to help out friends and family. I have to admit that I felt bad about doing this. Honestly though, feeling bad has more to do with the caretaker/enabler in me. I did what was best and right for me. Why should I continue talking to the person who threatened my Job and my life?? By telling me that he can make my life Hell. Wether he may have meant it or not. One thing I do not do well with is threats to my personal space and especially not my job. It has recently occurred to me that I am way to nice to people, especially men when they say and do harmful things to me. This has been a good reminder of where I am coming from and where I am going. Progress is a process. I am learning to crawl and then to walk. I may falter at points in this process but I am going to get back up and Be who I am aiming to be.....It is time to evolve and change. Now off to walk the park and start my day. Til tommorrow.
peace to you all!!

the Bitch stole my pink pen.....

I didnt get a chance to update this yesterday, but It was an odd sort of day. The person I went on 3 dates with decided to come into my job yesterday. He wouldnt let anyone help him except for me. heres the funny thing. He brought in a girl with him that I think he was trying to make me jealous with?? Im not quite sure why?? I wasnt quite sure what this statement was supposed to be. But hey I guess whatever floats your boat.
I was mildly irritated because the girl that he was with stole my pink pen. Seriously?? Im not sure if it was him that took it for her but I was not a happy camper. A Pen?? I guess the reason I was upset is because I have had nothing but integrity with him and our dealings. Seriously what a fucking jerk. Its amazing to me that since I have decided to date, instead of fuck em and leave them. I am seeing true colors quickly. I am glad that things didnt work out. I now have to decide if I will continue to have a professional face with him. Or tell him that I cannot help him Ever again.  I just wonder if maybe in some ways I enabled the son of a bitch?? Im trying to be assertive and not aggressive. So I really need to think this one over.......Maybe I will be fortunate enough never to see him again. One last thing that was incredibly odd for me was the fact that he kept flirting with me, while the girl was with him??? Hrrm how disrespectful.....

Random thoughts from the eccentric lady....

It has been an interesting few days. I am starting to learn the difference between assertive an aggressive. Most of my past has been aggressive. Getting upset with someone but not saying what was on my mind til I was ready to blow. Getting so pist that finally when I did say something my words and actions were raw and oft times mean. It seems that as I am going thru this journey I am gaining a better understanding of what makes me tick and addressing it in a proactive and assertive way. I have realized as of late that it is not my job to help everyone. Besides what justice am I doing the person by " helping them, or doing it for them"??? I am still an awesome resource and am willing to help those who want to help themselves. I will not however be an enabler anymore.


I am noticing a difference in my dealing with people as I deal with me. I am feeling more assertive in all my dealings. I have just got how kick ass I truly am. As a Worker, As a friend and in my overall life. I have spent so much time being insecure an sabotaging myself. NO more. I really am taking cant out of my vocabulary. I can be healthy, I can have whatever I want. I just have to believe that I can. I am most definately coming out of the dark place I have been in for so long.  Dont get me wrong I still have bad days. It is part of getting better and dealing with everything that I need to. I know once this process is complete I will come out ahead. Feeling better inside and outside. I am already noticing some differences. Physically. Emotionally. I am becoming more outgoing and happy.