I am truly content and happy

I have so many wonderful things in my life to be grateful for. My family, who has been there for me through thick and thin. Well to be exact a couple of my siblings. My sister Jamie, who has been my cheer leader over the last couple of years. When starting and going to therapy to become healthy. My sister Angie who reminds me of how life should be. That I should be celebrating the small stuff and not focusing on the bad things. Amazing what a difference this makes.
The sales job that I took a leap of faith in. I have never been more content in my life, than when I am helping customers with there cellular needs. It has been great to push myself, knowing that I am the only person in my own way. I am finding too that many people want to help me succeed. I know that this was the right move for me. It is going to get me farther and help me obtain the goals for my career.
Dating, well as most are aware... I gave up on it. I was hell bent that I was done. Not going to happen. Sick of getting my heart trampled on. Well, someone that has been a friend for years, Changed this. It was truly unexpected. We were just hanging out. Going to movies and doing what friends do. Then one day, he asked me if I wanted to be his girl. At first, I wanted to say no. I believe the reason I said yes, is because He is and has always been the sweetest, most loving and caring person I have ever known. He treats me like a queen. Opens my doors, Wont let me pay, tells me how great and wonderful I am. Im not used to any of this, but I would dare say I truly am loving it. Most of all Ive opened my heart and am loving again.
The living situation has been really good. I was unaware of what a recluse I had become. How I had isolated myself from everyone. The part of the family that I live with reminds me daily about love and being loved. I realize that I perhaps have needed this for a long time. I love my nieces and nephews and how much they look up too and love me.
Last, I am so grateful for my friends, who have always been my cheerleaders and shown me what I did not see in myself. This process has been long, but through some reprogramming and rethinking about things, I finally get what a kick ass woman I am.
  I now have a four legged kid, with Jc. How funny is that. I have always been the crazy cat lady, Now just the crazy pet lady. 2 cats and a lil dog named gordon.
 So Friends and family, Thank you for always being there for me. For showing me light in my dark tunnel. I cannot wait to see what the future brings. Its looking bright.

When Bored at work...I blog.

Lots and lots of changes happening for me at the moment. I accepted the position as a sales rep Starting September 1. Excited and scared to begin this journey, But I believe it will be worth it. Well it will be because my pay was dropped significantly, since I will now be commissioned based.



As part of this transition I will be moving in with my sister and her husband and family. This is going to be a gigantic change. I have been living on my own for so long, that im not sure what it will be like to live with people again. I am excited to hangout with my nieces and nephews. I love those little stinkers. I just have to get out of the frame of mind of being a bit of a loner.  They will want my attention.
Especially my little mini me. It will be a great transition. I think?? I will be saving money, they will be gaining more income. All and all a huge win. Now about those Damn spiders...

One of the things that I am learning through all of this is sometimes change and growth happens without people growing or changing with you. I am seeing this day in and day out.
I have, Not on purpose offended a few people. They dont understand why I no longer hang out with them,
Dont relate to their plight. Its because Im changing. Growing and doing what is best for me. I sometiimes feel bad but have realized that I cant be mama hen to everyone. Only to myself.

This last weekend was quite and eye opening experience for me. People that ive considered friends, Really arent. This makes me sad, Im trying to not shut down. Part of me kinda wants too. I need to not do it, and I wont but it is very tempting to go back into hermit mode.

Onward and upward....next chapter here I come.

Tolerance and changing ones self...

Over the last little while I am finding things and people are getting on my last nerve. Ive Discovered that someone that I've called friend for many a year is talking about me behind my back. This person should have talked with me, I feel. Instead of everyone else ,if there was an issue or a problem. Instead for whatever reason this person chose not to. Ive had a conversation with this person, and honestly it is pissing me off. There are other issues with this said person, but I'm finding I don't want to fix things.

I'm exhausted and tired of hearing and fixing someones issues, when they wont fix it themselves.  Ive done alot of withdrawing and for good reason. I'm done with this nonsense. I am finding I'm becoming a bit of a recluse. I think part of this is due to the fact that I need to care for me and the issues that I have going on in my world. Not theirs.
Some get it, Most do not. Ive always been the one who provides solutions and feeds peoples often sensitive egos.
Someone said it perfectly, my give a fuck is broken. I am only concerned about me. My well being.
People deserve to figure it out on their own. Not me cauldling and babying them. I'm at a stand still with me.

I don't expect alot of people to understand or get it. They don't have too. I often don't get it myself.  what I do realize is that for me I'm taking care of my business. What needs to be done.

I know that over the next few months I may be making some drastic changes. In everything. I need a new start. This old me and place has become stagnant. I am trying to make strategic moves to get moved to California.
 I may either be going to sales in the store or back to the call center to do Business Sales. I am determined. I can sell snow to an Eskimo but have been afraid of taking that leap of faith. Once again its back to that whole Ive become far to comfortable. Time to push myself.

Ego and life

Egos? What are they good for? They are great when we need a defense mechanism. When we perceive that we've been wronged. It allows us to put up walls, that we hide behind .
How many of us have issues with swallowing our pride asking for help and giving forgiveness. Id dare say a lot of us do. You get so caught up in the moment and bam. Ego wins.
 I wonder what it would take to not let your ego get the best of you. I mean in all areas of your life. your work, school, friends, lovers so on and so forth. Would things work out better???? for the best??
Would disagreements and differences be handled differently. Would you still reach out to that person and not shut down if ego didn't win??
reason I ask. is because I have not the answer. For ego , unfortunately defines me. ,I for many years ,  was defined by taking care of everyone else and not myself. Being the doormat.

I fear that I've now moved to the opposite end of the scale. More selfish than giving. More guarded, More insecure than Ive been in years.
I am sensitive beyond belief. I wonder if Ego hides what is really going on inside me?? The pain, The sadness, feeling inadequate. Wanting the love and acceptance. To not feel like something is wrong with me.

Ive also had relationships on my mind as of late. At a barbecue the other night a friend who has been married for several years. Imparted some words of wisdom after talking about My relationship or lack there of.

The thing that really stood out to me is Why do you feel like you need love to complete you. What if you never find the one. What if you have a lot of the ones. Where does your happiness come from then??
 Now for me this is something Ive had to really think about. Ive had to think about what does make me happy. Am I happy. How do I begin to feel at peace with me?? I have no idea. I mean I love several things. I am a well rounded person. So why cant I let things be and let go of what will never be. ? Mother Fucking ego. That is why.

Why do I hold on to things and people. Ive done this my whole life. I guess I'm a pack Rat/ hoarder with my soul and belongings. How do you even begin to let go. To be alright?? To let go of Ego?
I wonder how can I give my soul what it needs?? To let go of things that worked for a time,but no more??
To free myself from my own personal shackles? to heal and be free. From anger? From feeling betrayed or used?
To be at peace with my choices and decisions?? Ive become a lot better but Ive got a long way to go. I post a ton of things on here about past and letting go. These are more my reminders for me.
Writing is very cathartic for me. It allows me to process. To let go of ego. To write whatever I am feeling.My safe place. I sometimes wish that things were easier and not so complicated.The reason they are is Mother fucking ego...Things for me to ponder???

A huge piece of Humble pie, served up to yours truly.

Been an interesting week or two. As you are all aware Ive been going to personal and group therapy for about a year and half. I really like my therapist. She has been a huge advocate for me. That is until she purposely pushed my buttons last week. It was due to the pain in the ass coworker that  had made it her life's mission to make my life hell. Two weeks ago I was done. I had followed the proper channels to get the issue fixed. I talked to managers, who then would talk to her(falling upon deaf ears) nothing was getting resolved. After nine months of putting up with her shitty attitude. I finally lost it. My managers couldn't fix it, My Hr consultant was too busy dealing with other drama. So I took matters into my own hands. I contacted my district manager. I was getting transferred or that  bitch was. One way or another. I told him a bit of the story. I was calm( which in moments like this are rare)  Just stating the facts. Well with in a day and a half she was moved. I felt pretty good about finally standing up for myself.
Well Stephanie said some things to me that struck a cord and truly offended me. Now usually when this occurs I disappear. I push the person away. Remove myself from a situation. This time however after taking a week off, processing through it, I made a conscious decision to face what had happened. To not runaway or shut her out. I went back. Was quiet for most of group and then she asked Chris do you want to add anything ?? Whats going on with you?? So, I started to cry and then told her that she had offended me. I wasn't mean, I wasn't aggressive. I just said my truth. Which Has started the healing/ fix what I can phase.

I ended up having a face book conversation with someone about what had occurred when dating. I had a moment of truth and weakness. I let this person know that I missed him and wanted to get back together. Now I knew the answer before I sent the email. I mean I had said some pretty horrific things. However, even knowing, I needed resolution and closure.  Some of the things that were said to me are so very true. I do have trust issues. I usually don't trust anyone with anything. It is hard to change years of a habit that Ive had since I was a child. Growing up in a home where My mother was more concerned about herself, than her children. I learned to trust no one. Not my mother, Not her scary ass boyfriends(trust me there were many), My family, My grandmother, My aunts.NO ONE.
They Were all sick mentally . Ive learned being in therapy that  a lot of these issues ,  had the trickle down effect and had been going on for generations. My family was sick.Not to aire too much dirty laundry.
 As a child though you wonder what can I do to make them love me, to notice me, to care for me. I was hopeless, Lonely, scared child. One more than one occasion I attempted, obviously without success to end it all. So I didn't have to experience all of the dysfunction. I saw far to much. I remember times of  getting the shit beat out of me for doing what was right. For telling the truth. There was always a consequence. Even  when I was taking on the role of parent. changing my sisters shitty diapers, feeding them( mom was too busy fucking some random dude to even care) loving them, caring for them. Letting them know of their  worth, Helping with school assignments. Forging signatures so that they would have permission to do things.. I was given a choice or a decision. I was  aka Mom.
I was informed by this person that I never trusted him. If only that was the truth. I put more trust in him than I have anyone else. Ever. In my whole life. In two months I had put down more walls than I ever had. I don't even know how to explain. I wanted him to know the dorky, quirky girl. The eccentric and insecure girl. The girl who smiled and wasn't afraid to cry. It was baby steps for me. I really did try.
 Then there was the things that I said on face book, I shouldn't have. It was childish, However I was hurt. If there was re do I may have done things differently. I didn't think of how it would effect him. I actually wasn't thinking at all.
The main take away from this face booking is this. Communication is key. You've gotta talk about things that may be uncomfortable. Not in a defensive manner, but a sincere place and approach. This person has taught me more than He may ever know. At the end of this I believe that the lessons learned from this experience will be able to help both of us to make different decisions and choices with the next person that we date.

mother eff....Im a bit of an emo.

Ive been reading through my blog posts from the last year or so. Its interesting to see my progress. From where I started and where I am now. I have done a lot of changing and growing. Lots of triumphs and life moments

I look at my small and short journey in a somewhat healthy relationship. I look at how far Ive come with loving and caring for myself. Ive discovered who I am becoming and wanting to be. I really like this new girl. I still have room for change and growth but Im doing really well. Embracing myself. The good, the bad and the in between. Ive learned what it means to stand up for whats right for me.  I may not be the most popular, but I will speak my mind and do it in a assertive manner.

I had a great Memorial weekend. A group of friends and myself rented a cabin and just hung out. Copious amounts of alcohol got consumed. Lots of laugh's all and all a great time. I did have a pretty comical moment. On Saturday we went into Heber City for an evening and just by a small chance Erics cousin was the bartender. Small effing world. It made me laugh. We struck up a conversation because of my Area 51 hoodie. He was telling me his cousin did Areoke on Wed night. I started to laugh, more uncomfortable than anything, Finished of two shots and then told him well Lial I know Mindy.  Small muther effing world. I told him I dated his cousin. Super cool cat. He kinda reminded me of Eric. Explains why I thought he was attractive. I guess we all have a type. Whats a girl to do...

Still looking for a job in California. Ive decided that if I cannot find a job with Verizon that will pay for relocation. I'm going to quit. Cash out my 401k and just take a leap of faith and move. I don't want to always play safe. The move I thing will be the shakeup that I very much need. Hmmm

Well off to bed, This is kinda just thrown together, random at best.

Ive reached a point where....

I for once have gained a large amount of clarity in my life as of late. Ive realized that as much as I think I am a great communicator, when it comes to certain things I am not. Ive realized that everything and everyone comes into your life for a reason. Sounds so cliche, but there is so much wisdom in that statement. There will also come a time when you or that other person has learned all they can and something happens to where one or both of you move on. Im realizing that alot of my anger and frustrations are really just being hurt. I have a huge defense mechanism of anger, to cover up hurt and sadness. To say things that I know, the person will not forget and potentially will be hurtful. Its not the right thing to do, but it is thing that comes up for me.

Ive also discovered why I reacted the way I finally did with Eric.Its because really and this is kinda sad for me. He is the first person I have every truly let in. Where I was myself and not afraid to just be. He showed me something completely different than what I have ever had or wanted. Compared to Nich( the prick) He was attentive and caring. He is the first person that ever called me beautiful and meant it. I mean Ive been called other adjectives like sexy or cutie pie, but never beautiful.
 .
 I , for the first time in my life  stopped trying so hard to make things happen and was able to just be. For that I am grateful for my experience with him. He taught me more about myself than I think anyone ever has. Deciding to cut off ties with him wasn't an easy one. I can say wholeheartedly  that I did love him. I guess I may have wanted more than he could give. I wanted who I know Mr Gingell has the capability and potential of being. He is so very  bright. Sadly,he hides behind a shield of mediocrity and pretends to apathetic. Such a bullshit Guise. I couldn't fix him. I wanted too. So badly.
My pops said it perfectly.  Christy, You know the only one you can change is yourself. You either love the person for who they are or move on. Its truly about what you can and will tolerate. Every person has baggage. Some good, Some bad. There will be things in any relationship that will drive you insane. Its about how you communicate your needs or what is bothering you. Know that ultimately you cant always have control. You will need to make compromises.
Ive discovered over the last month that I cant control anyone or anything but myself. People are not going to change who they are for you, Only for themselves. I am learning that it isnt my job to fix everything. I will do my best, in dating, in work and in life. But for others its about choice.
California caught me completely off guard. I know now, IF I could turn back time( OK funny guys get the Cher song out of yur heads) I would have asked more questions before we left. Also, I know that I would have reacted a lot differently if it had been discussed before we left about his financial situation. Its not like I am a mean,uncaring girlfriend. I truly did love him and wanted him to experience California with me.
Now, both of us are in a place of get the hell out of my life. We all hurt in different ways. For me I lash out.  I wonder if the outcome would have been different had I not have responded the way I did?? Who will ever know.
I did try to go out on a date a few weeks ago, but realize I'm not ready. I found myself talking about Eric. Ive actually caught myself, more than a few times doing this. After a talk with my therapist. I realize it is ok. Things will get better with time. All I can do is focus on myself and what I want to achieve with myself and my life

At 35, sadly I think the reason this hurt so very much is He was in a lot of ways my first true love. I mean Ive had a few boyfriends, but I spent most of the time serving them. Being ok with a bone thrown in my direction. Ive since realized that those were not love. Those were codependent not love. I needed to fulfill a need of if I act a certain way and do certain things then they will love me.

Lessons learned in life aren't always easy. Sometimes you have to make choices that you don't want to.  I need to be grateful for what I did gain from him and know that in the future, I want to meet someone that treats me the way he treated me.With the qualities that he had.
the end for today.