Moving onward and upward

 Sometimes is pretty amazing how the universe gives you exactly what you need. Its even better when others are in tune with the same astral energy as yourself.

A door, that once upon a time created a lot of turmoil and grief in my life has finally been able to be opened and shut.
They say people come and go in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I personally, Have always believed in this.

The universe will always give you what you need. To stretch, To learn to become the person you are meant to be.

I had an opportunity this last week to gain some much needed closure from a past that has haunted me for well over 5 yrs. With a person who taught me a lot about myself. Love. Compassion, communication, anger, hate, self respect. boundaries.

Now as I think back upon everything, How grateful I am for the experiences I had with this person.
Its great to see the light after the dark. To see the changes in yourself and in others. Both of us have grown tremendously.

Life truly is beautiful. Yes,You have to experience some growing pains. The good with the bad. The light with the dark.
A stormy past truly made one appreciate all of the wonderful things.
 Looking back, Now I realize the whats and whys.

 Apologies and speaking your piece truly do make a difference.

I, Understand now that  needed to go through some rough patches. The refiners fire. Shedding old thought patterns and habits.

In this processI have gained so much love for myself. My self esteem is amazing, Most of all I realize how great I am. My worth.

So thank you unnamed person and universe for leading me to this wonderful spot of self discovery and love.
Most of all the ability to let it all go.

Foster mom saves the day...

Or does she. I am struggling today. My little sister, has made some poor decisions, Which has led to her two girls being pulled from her custody, and one put into mine
. I am not only foster mommy, but friend, disciplinarian, teacher, aunt, provider and strong shoulder to lean on.
 This brings up a lot of things from my past. All of this is history repeating itself. This cycle, of what is happening, has been going on for generations.
 What has happened, happened to my sister, My mother, My grandmother. So on and so forth.
God only knows about how long this has been happening. A history of sexual abuse, Co-dependency,  low self- esteem , worth and all around a need to have dysfunctional relationships. The I need to have a man to take care of me, but only if he, himself is a dysfunctional mess. A history of low lives. Ones who break the law, in many different ways. Ones who abuse both the mother and the children.
An ex said it best once. That we, as women in this family enable and allow stuff that should never be happening or going on.
I am grateful that two years ago, I decided to start going to therapy. to start setting boundaries,To Make necessary changes in my life. To stop putting up with things that were no good for me. 

Tonight we had a visit at my moms house. At the time it seemed like a great idea. The case worker said there were only a few rules. 1. My sister cannot be alone with the niece. I have to be there for all visits 2. We could not talk about the perpetrator, or what happened. 3. No overnights.

So we stayed for dinner. My sister, tried not to cry the whole time. They spent a good chunk of time together. At the end, My niece started to cry. I want to stay with you mommy. Why cant I come home with you. That is the worst part of these visits. My niece is suffering, My sister is suffering and in some ways perhaps I'm suffering. I want to fix all of this, but have absolutely no Idea how to. I'm the fixer, but this cannot be fixed by me. I can assist and help. Ultimately though my sister has got to want to make this situation better.
Slowly this is breaking my heart. All of the hurt I feel, The anger( mainly for this behavior being passed on). Dealing with my PTSD. It brings up a past, Ive tried so hard to forget and let go of.
One of abuse. Of abandonment. Issues that I had thought I dealt with. Hearing my other  Niece tell me that this is all her fault for letting someone know that she was sexually assaulted. That she is sad for her siblings, because she was their mother.  Yowser. I begin to feel her pain from my own experiences. All I can tell her is she did the right thing. That none of this is her fault. Also that sadly she was cast into the role of mom. Which never should have been. That they are all victims.

All I can say is god grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I, of course am very fortunate to have a fiance, and several soon to be in laws around to teach me and help nurture this little girl that has had some pretty horrific things happen to her. ( Not by mommy,( My sister) ) They are teaching me along the way, to be a good mom. To let this little girl know of her worth. This experience has been humbling and gratifying.
. I have become one with the reasons I have not wanted to have kids. Its because of what happened when I was a kid. I would be a great mom.
On that note, that is what is going on with me. I hope to keep up with this writing.
Chris

I am truly content and happy

I have so many wonderful things in my life to be grateful for. My family, who has been there for me through thick and thin. Well to be exact a couple of my siblings. My sister Jamie, who has been my cheer leader over the last couple of years. When starting and going to therapy to become healthy. My sister Angie who reminds me of how life should be. That I should be celebrating the small stuff and not focusing on the bad things. Amazing what a difference this makes.
The sales job that I took a leap of faith in. I have never been more content in my life, than when I am helping customers with there cellular needs. It has been great to push myself, knowing that I am the only person in my own way. I am finding too that many people want to help me succeed. I know that this was the right move for me. It is going to get me farther and help me obtain the goals for my career.
Dating, well as most are aware... I gave up on it. I was hell bent that I was done. Not going to happen. Sick of getting my heart trampled on. Well, someone that has been a friend for years, Changed this. It was truly unexpected. We were just hanging out. Going to movies and doing what friends do. Then one day, he asked me if I wanted to be his girl. At first, I wanted to say no. I believe the reason I said yes, is because He is and has always been the sweetest, most loving and caring person I have ever known. He treats me like a queen. Opens my doors, Wont let me pay, tells me how great and wonderful I am. Im not used to any of this, but I would dare say I truly am loving it. Most of all Ive opened my heart and am loving again.
The living situation has been really good. I was unaware of what a recluse I had become. How I had isolated myself from everyone. The part of the family that I live with reminds me daily about love and being loved. I realize that I perhaps have needed this for a long time. I love my nieces and nephews and how much they look up too and love me.
Last, I am so grateful for my friends, who have always been my cheerleaders and shown me what I did not see in myself. This process has been long, but through some reprogramming and rethinking about things, I finally get what a kick ass woman I am.
  I now have a four legged kid, with Jc. How funny is that. I have always been the crazy cat lady, Now just the crazy pet lady. 2 cats and a lil dog named gordon.
 So Friends and family, Thank you for always being there for me. For showing me light in my dark tunnel. I cannot wait to see what the future brings. Its looking bright.

When Bored at work...I blog.

Lots and lots of changes happening for me at the moment. I accepted the position as a sales rep Starting September 1. Excited and scared to begin this journey, But I believe it will be worth it. Well it will be because my pay was dropped significantly, since I will now be commissioned based.



As part of this transition I will be moving in with my sister and her husband and family. This is going to be a gigantic change. I have been living on my own for so long, that im not sure what it will be like to live with people again. I am excited to hangout with my nieces and nephews. I love those little stinkers. I just have to get out of the frame of mind of being a bit of a loner.  They will want my attention.
Especially my little mini me. It will be a great transition. I think?? I will be saving money, they will be gaining more income. All and all a huge win. Now about those Damn spiders...

One of the things that I am learning through all of this is sometimes change and growth happens without people growing or changing with you. I am seeing this day in and day out.
I have, Not on purpose offended a few people. They dont understand why I no longer hang out with them,
Dont relate to their plight. Its because Im changing. Growing and doing what is best for me. I sometiimes feel bad but have realized that I cant be mama hen to everyone. Only to myself.

This last weekend was quite and eye opening experience for me. People that ive considered friends, Really arent. This makes me sad, Im trying to not shut down. Part of me kinda wants too. I need to not do it, and I wont but it is very tempting to go back into hermit mode.

Onward and upward....next chapter here I come.

Tolerance and changing ones self...

Over the last little while I am finding things and people are getting on my last nerve. Ive Discovered that someone that I've called friend for many a year is talking about me behind my back. This person should have talked with me, I feel. Instead of everyone else ,if there was an issue or a problem. Instead for whatever reason this person chose not to. Ive had a conversation with this person, and honestly it is pissing me off. There are other issues with this said person, but I'm finding I don't want to fix things.

I'm exhausted and tired of hearing and fixing someones issues, when they wont fix it themselves.  Ive done alot of withdrawing and for good reason. I'm done with this nonsense. I am finding I'm becoming a bit of a recluse. I think part of this is due to the fact that I need to care for me and the issues that I have going on in my world. Not theirs.
Some get it, Most do not. Ive always been the one who provides solutions and feeds peoples often sensitive egos.
Someone said it perfectly, my give a fuck is broken. I am only concerned about me. My well being.
People deserve to figure it out on their own. Not me cauldling and babying them. I'm at a stand still with me.

I don't expect alot of people to understand or get it. They don't have too. I often don't get it myself.  what I do realize is that for me I'm taking care of my business. What needs to be done.

I know that over the next few months I may be making some drastic changes. In everything. I need a new start. This old me and place has become stagnant. I am trying to make strategic moves to get moved to California.
 I may either be going to sales in the store or back to the call center to do Business Sales. I am determined. I can sell snow to an Eskimo but have been afraid of taking that leap of faith. Once again its back to that whole Ive become far to comfortable. Time to push myself.

Ego and life

Egos? What are they good for? They are great when we need a defense mechanism. When we perceive that we've been wronged. It allows us to put up walls, that we hide behind .
How many of us have issues with swallowing our pride asking for help and giving forgiveness. Id dare say a lot of us do. You get so caught up in the moment and bam. Ego wins.
 I wonder what it would take to not let your ego get the best of you. I mean in all areas of your life. your work, school, friends, lovers so on and so forth. Would things work out better???? for the best??
Would disagreements and differences be handled differently. Would you still reach out to that person and not shut down if ego didn't win??
reason I ask. is because I have not the answer. For ego , unfortunately defines me. ,I for many years ,  was defined by taking care of everyone else and not myself. Being the doormat.

I fear that I've now moved to the opposite end of the scale. More selfish than giving. More guarded, More insecure than Ive been in years.
I am sensitive beyond belief. I wonder if Ego hides what is really going on inside me?? The pain, The sadness, feeling inadequate. Wanting the love and acceptance. To not feel like something is wrong with me.

Ive also had relationships on my mind as of late. At a barbecue the other night a friend who has been married for several years. Imparted some words of wisdom after talking about My relationship or lack there of.

The thing that really stood out to me is Why do you feel like you need love to complete you. What if you never find the one. What if you have a lot of the ones. Where does your happiness come from then??
 Now for me this is something Ive had to really think about. Ive had to think about what does make me happy. Am I happy. How do I begin to feel at peace with me?? I have no idea. I mean I love several things. I am a well rounded person. So why cant I let things be and let go of what will never be. ? Mother Fucking ego. That is why.

Why do I hold on to things and people. Ive done this my whole life. I guess I'm a pack Rat/ hoarder with my soul and belongings. How do you even begin to let go. To be alright?? To let go of Ego?
I wonder how can I give my soul what it needs?? To let go of things that worked for a time,but no more??
To free myself from my own personal shackles? to heal and be free. From anger? From feeling betrayed or used?
To be at peace with my choices and decisions?? Ive become a lot better but Ive got a long way to go. I post a ton of things on here about past and letting go. These are more my reminders for me.
Writing is very cathartic for me. It allows me to process. To let go of ego. To write whatever I am feeling.My safe place. I sometimes wish that things were easier and not so complicated.The reason they are is Mother fucking ego...Things for me to ponder???

A huge piece of Humble pie, served up to yours truly.

Been an interesting week or two. As you are all aware Ive been going to personal and group therapy for about a year and half. I really like my therapist. She has been a huge advocate for me. That is until she purposely pushed my buttons last week. It was due to the pain in the ass coworker that  had made it her life's mission to make my life hell. Two weeks ago I was done. I had followed the proper channels to get the issue fixed. I talked to managers, who then would talk to her(falling upon deaf ears) nothing was getting resolved. After nine months of putting up with her shitty attitude. I finally lost it. My managers couldn't fix it, My Hr consultant was too busy dealing with other drama. So I took matters into my own hands. I contacted my district manager. I was getting transferred or that  bitch was. One way or another. I told him a bit of the story. I was calm( which in moments like this are rare)  Just stating the facts. Well with in a day and a half she was moved. I felt pretty good about finally standing up for myself.
Well Stephanie said some things to me that struck a cord and truly offended me. Now usually when this occurs I disappear. I push the person away. Remove myself from a situation. This time however after taking a week off, processing through it, I made a conscious decision to face what had happened. To not runaway or shut her out. I went back. Was quiet for most of group and then she asked Chris do you want to add anything ?? Whats going on with you?? So, I started to cry and then told her that she had offended me. I wasn't mean, I wasn't aggressive. I just said my truth. Which Has started the healing/ fix what I can phase.

I ended up having a face book conversation with someone about what had occurred when dating. I had a moment of truth and weakness. I let this person know that I missed him and wanted to get back together. Now I knew the answer before I sent the email. I mean I had said some pretty horrific things. However, even knowing, I needed resolution and closure.  Some of the things that were said to me are so very true. I do have trust issues. I usually don't trust anyone with anything. It is hard to change years of a habit that Ive had since I was a child. Growing up in a home where My mother was more concerned about herself, than her children. I learned to trust no one. Not my mother, Not her scary ass boyfriends(trust me there were many), My family, My grandmother, My aunts.NO ONE.
They Were all sick mentally . Ive learned being in therapy that  a lot of these issues ,  had the trickle down effect and had been going on for generations. My family was sick.Not to aire too much dirty laundry.
 As a child though you wonder what can I do to make them love me, to notice me, to care for me. I was hopeless, Lonely, scared child. One more than one occasion I attempted, obviously without success to end it all. So I didn't have to experience all of the dysfunction. I saw far to much. I remember times of  getting the shit beat out of me for doing what was right. For telling the truth. There was always a consequence. Even  when I was taking on the role of parent. changing my sisters shitty diapers, feeding them( mom was too busy fucking some random dude to even care) loving them, caring for them. Letting them know of their  worth, Helping with school assignments. Forging signatures so that they would have permission to do things.. I was given a choice or a decision. I was  aka Mom.
I was informed by this person that I never trusted him. If only that was the truth. I put more trust in him than I have anyone else. Ever. In my whole life. In two months I had put down more walls than I ever had. I don't even know how to explain. I wanted him to know the dorky, quirky girl. The eccentric and insecure girl. The girl who smiled and wasn't afraid to cry. It was baby steps for me. I really did try.
 Then there was the things that I said on face book, I shouldn't have. It was childish, However I was hurt. If there was re do I may have done things differently. I didn't think of how it would effect him. I actually wasn't thinking at all.
The main take away from this face booking is this. Communication is key. You've gotta talk about things that may be uncomfortable. Not in a defensive manner, but a sincere place and approach. This person has taught me more than He may ever know. At the end of this I believe that the lessons learned from this experience will be able to help both of us to make different decisions and choices with the next person that we date.

mother eff....Im a bit of an emo.

Ive been reading through my blog posts from the last year or so. Its interesting to see my progress. From where I started and where I am now. I have done a lot of changing and growing. Lots of triumphs and life moments

I look at my small and short journey in a somewhat healthy relationship. I look at how far Ive come with loving and caring for myself. Ive discovered who I am becoming and wanting to be. I really like this new girl. I still have room for change and growth but Im doing really well. Embracing myself. The good, the bad and the in between. Ive learned what it means to stand up for whats right for me.  I may not be the most popular, but I will speak my mind and do it in a assertive manner.

I had a great Memorial weekend. A group of friends and myself rented a cabin and just hung out. Copious amounts of alcohol got consumed. Lots of laugh's all and all a great time. I did have a pretty comical moment. On Saturday we went into Heber City for an evening and just by a small chance Erics cousin was the bartender. Small effing world. It made me laugh. We struck up a conversation because of my Area 51 hoodie. He was telling me his cousin did Areoke on Wed night. I started to laugh, more uncomfortable than anything, Finished of two shots and then told him well Lial I know Mindy.  Small muther effing world. I told him I dated his cousin. Super cool cat. He kinda reminded me of Eric. Explains why I thought he was attractive. I guess we all have a type. Whats a girl to do...

Still looking for a job in California. Ive decided that if I cannot find a job with Verizon that will pay for relocation. I'm going to quit. Cash out my 401k and just take a leap of faith and move. I don't want to always play safe. The move I thing will be the shakeup that I very much need. Hmmm

Well off to bed, This is kinda just thrown together, random at best.

Ive reached a point where....

I for once have gained a large amount of clarity in my life as of late. Ive realized that as much as I think I am a great communicator, when it comes to certain things I am not. Ive realized that everything and everyone comes into your life for a reason. Sounds so cliche, but there is so much wisdom in that statement. There will also come a time when you or that other person has learned all they can and something happens to where one or both of you move on. Im realizing that alot of my anger and frustrations are really just being hurt. I have a huge defense mechanism of anger, to cover up hurt and sadness. To say things that I know, the person will not forget and potentially will be hurtful. Its not the right thing to do, but it is thing that comes up for me.

Ive also discovered why I reacted the way I finally did with Eric.Its because really and this is kinda sad for me. He is the first person I have every truly let in. Where I was myself and not afraid to just be. He showed me something completely different than what I have ever had or wanted. Compared to Nich( the prick) He was attentive and caring. He is the first person that ever called me beautiful and meant it. I mean Ive been called other adjectives like sexy or cutie pie, but never beautiful.
 .
 I , for the first time in my life  stopped trying so hard to make things happen and was able to just be. For that I am grateful for my experience with him. He taught me more about myself than I think anyone ever has. Deciding to cut off ties with him wasn't an easy one. I can say wholeheartedly  that I did love him. I guess I may have wanted more than he could give. I wanted who I know Mr Gingell has the capability and potential of being. He is so very  bright. Sadly,he hides behind a shield of mediocrity and pretends to apathetic. Such a bullshit Guise. I couldn't fix him. I wanted too. So badly.
My pops said it perfectly.  Christy, You know the only one you can change is yourself. You either love the person for who they are or move on. Its truly about what you can and will tolerate. Every person has baggage. Some good, Some bad. There will be things in any relationship that will drive you insane. Its about how you communicate your needs or what is bothering you. Know that ultimately you cant always have control. You will need to make compromises.
Ive discovered over the last month that I cant control anyone or anything but myself. People are not going to change who they are for you, Only for themselves. I am learning that it isnt my job to fix everything. I will do my best, in dating, in work and in life. But for others its about choice.
California caught me completely off guard. I know now, IF I could turn back time( OK funny guys get the Cher song out of yur heads) I would have asked more questions before we left. Also, I know that I would have reacted a lot differently if it had been discussed before we left about his financial situation. Its not like I am a mean,uncaring girlfriend. I truly did love him and wanted him to experience California with me.
Now, both of us are in a place of get the hell out of my life. We all hurt in different ways. For me I lash out.  I wonder if the outcome would have been different had I not have responded the way I did?? Who will ever know.
I did try to go out on a date a few weeks ago, but realize I'm not ready. I found myself talking about Eric. Ive actually caught myself, more than a few times doing this. After a talk with my therapist. I realize it is ok. Things will get better with time. All I can do is focus on myself and what I want to achieve with myself and my life

At 35, sadly I think the reason this hurt so very much is He was in a lot of ways my first true love. I mean Ive had a few boyfriends, but I spent most of the time serving them. Being ok with a bone thrown in my direction. Ive since realized that those were not love. Those were codependent not love. I needed to fulfill a need of if I act a certain way and do certain things then they will love me.

Lessons learned in life aren't always easy. Sometimes you have to make choices that you don't want to.  I need to be grateful for what I did gain from him and know that in the future, I want to meet someone that treats me the way he treated me.With the qualities that he had.
the end for today.

asking for help and accepting it.

I have has some wonderful lessons as of late. I honestly am not used to asking for help. I am strong willed, opinionated and will fight to fix stuff by myself to the bitter end....errrr Slams on Breaks.... What is this. I, Yes I am trying to be alot more humble. Trying to remember that there are a whole group of people out there like myself. Ones that are caring, nurturing and genuinely care and want to provide assistance to me. I have some wonderful people in my life. My family has been wonderful. My friends fantastic. How lucky am I.

I have decided to show what I am grateful for everyday in my life. Trying to post something daily about the wonderful things in my world. Everything from How beautiful the sunset is to people who assist me and want to help me make my quality of life better.  A new day is emerging and a new me. As of late Ive been in the dumps and beating myself up for decisions. At the time they were the right ones to make. Life is just a journey. One where we may stumble, or fall but can get back up and start a fresh the nexr day.

upside down and on the ground

Today I am sad. More sad then I have been in awhile. I guess when you strip away the bullshit anger you hide behind and start really thinking about things it gets pretty deep. As you all are aware I am on a journey of discovering and uncovering the real me. Ive been going to both personal and group therapy for awhile. Last week I had a break thru. I have started talking about my childhood and how it pertains to my eating disorder. This has put me in somewhat of a downward spiral.
 I guess Ive never truly wanted to deal with some of the past because it is excruciating painful. I have had to recall an aunt that took my innocence at a very young age. I am talking about My Mother and some of the things I endured as a child. I never really have wanted to discuss or talk about any of this. The fact that at the age of three, I was already getting the message that something was wrong with me. My Step grandfather, thought it would be funny to nickname me Fatback. Now as a small child who am I to say, God thats really mean. I wasnt. I was in survival mode. Followed by at the age of seven, My mother deciding because of my weight I needed to go on a slim fast diet. Followed by guilt trips and empty promises, If I could lose the weight.
This coupled with My mother picking some of the most god awful men. Men that  I felt I needed to protect my sisters and my mom from. I knew that if I remained bigger I could knock out those piece of shit fuckers that messed with me, My siblings and my mom
. I remember one in particular. His name was Robert Spears. He is the son of a bitch that molested my sister Angie. He had the audacity to say to me once "you better keep your friends and yourself away from me. They and you scare me. "  For me my weight has been my protection. Physically. Mentally and emotionally.
 Well with the emphasis being on my eating disorder and what caused this. It has stirred up a big pile of shit. Although this last week Ive just been letting myself feel. I guess this is why I feel so sad. Ive spent a lifetime hiding from me. A life time stuffing all of this with food and other addictions. A life time not wanting to deal and change things that really need to be undone from my childhood. To allow myself to be angry. To allow myself sadness and really all of the above. To just be in the emotions. To mourn a me that was innocent and didn't deserve a lot of the things that happened to me. My childhood affects my adult life in so many ways. Ive gotten a lot better, but have a long way to go.
 Its amazing to me that when you are sad, Its considered a bad thing. One that there is something wrong with you and you just need to buck up and be happy. Well fuck it.  I don't wanna do what I 'should' do.

Right now I feel lost, lonely and oft times misunderstood.  It has affected all areas of my life. I have been so desperate for love and attention. I often times have put up with a lot of shit. More than I ever should have. The last one is exempt from the above statement. He couldn't give me what I wanted or needed but he sure as hell tried. More than any of the others.
I keep wondering when does this end?? When do I start feeling better. When do I get to have this black cloud leave me?? One of my friends said something that I guess would be good advice, but I still wonder?? He said you get to chose. When you start seeing the positive in the bad that is when it gets better. Gee, thanks.That goes back to the whole just be happy. Fuck that. Bahh. I should probably stop writing now.

The interwebs

Over the last couple of days ive gained amazing amounts of clarity about a few things. First is I spend to much time wrapped up in my phone and most importantly I spend far to much time on Facebook. I often times will ignore everyone and everything and wrap my self up in some form of electronics. I do this because Im not sure how to act in a public setting. I found more often than not on my trip to California I may have missed out on few wonderful experiences because I was to wrapped up in distractions. My phone, Facebook and any other websites. I also have thought about my friendships in real life and on Facebook. Instead of actually nurturing and developing my relationships I only really have them Via Facebook the question I have posed to myself is this. How much interaction outside of Facebook have I had with over half of my Facebook friends. Better yet why am I allowing myself to live vicariously through others. Why am I not out there creating my own memories. Exploring the world?? Easy answer?? No.  I mean there have been some great things that have come from facebook. Ive reconnected with childhood friends I never thought I would see again. Ive been involved in great discussions that have lead to my learning. However, that being said. How much drama has this created for me?? Far more than I care to discuss. I am cutting my time down. Once a day tops if that. Once I check it. Im logging out. I cant keep living via the inter-webs. How is this living??

You get to be anyone on the internet. Even if it is a lie. Or a made up version of who you truly are. How much do I know about joe smo?? Not a fucking thing. I mean if I wanted to I could make myself sound rich, be a rockstar. Anything really. How is this living. Besides how do I truly get to know people that interest me If I only interact with them on the web?? Its time to reevaluate and For those I do keep on my list. We will be friends outside of the Web. My interpersonal skills have gone in the toilet with this. Im done.

Also, I am looking at many areas in my life. From the way I interact with people to how I choose to live my day to day life. I don't want to feel like I'm doing nothing. That I m stagnant. Stuck in a rut. I am focusing on short term and long term goals. Doing not just saying. I have started by going through all of my shit. I am a pack rat and really looking at all of this crap how much of it brings me joy?? Has value. Most has none. It represents a past, that I need to let go of.  The past has brought me a false sense of security. False being the operative word. So out with the old and in with the new. I know that sounds so cliche but it is what it is.

I had another therapy session today. The take away is I need to start living. I need to keep letting people who are good for me into my life. I also need to be kind to myself in this healing process. Start taking the bull by the horns in a gentle manner. I know that all of this work will pay off in the end but this process is painful. One where I often want to quit. In fact I did for awhile. After a time away and recent events that transpired.

 I  realize that I  need to keep plugging along. Recognizing my progress of where I was and where I am. Being gentle to others.Most importantly I need to be gentle with myself. Not be the parental figure of you did this and this wrong and if you ever attitude. Instead I will start asking more questions and take on an observer stance.  Not a scolding parent and not a sulking little child who runs away and hides. This behavior needs to stop and go away.

Next week Im starting to go to a group primarily focused on women with eating disorders.  A group where I get to start being real about the whys and the triggers that lead to the abuse of food For me. I am hoping and wanting this to be a positive experience for me. One where I gain understanding. Where I can grow, Learn and draw on the strength of others.  The overeating is a symptom of something much bigger and greater. Im not sure how to get better with this?? Damnit though I am going to try. Its time for change. If I keep living like this it will only get worse.

I know that some of this is very personal. I hope and know that many of us struggle with a ton of things in our life's. I'm hoping that if by blogging about this , I can inspire one person other than Myself .I have succeeded. Its seems at least for me the more I read the more I learn. I Know that there has to be at least one other person that feels this same way.

I love you all. I am starting to love me. Thank you for taking time to read about my journey. Til next time xoxo.
Chris

Forgiveness

Ive often thought Ive forgiven but then something happens that brings up past hurts and experiences. Recently I realized Im still carrying around a ton of emotional baggage from my childhood that  Ive thought Id dealt withbut realized I have not. Ive just stuffed it into the compartment called cant deal with this. Which in turn has caused a few issues in my adult life
. I have found that I am not very trusting and when I do trust it seems that I get hurt in one form or another. Which leads to me to lash out and to not only speak my truth, but speak my truth in a hurtful manner. I think this is one of my many defense mechanisms. The whole you have hurt me, so fuck you. I am going to say things that I know will in most cases end any relationship or friendship.
 I do not do well with being hurt. I retreat and push people away. Thats not to say that some of the individuals Ive gotten rid of have not been for the best. But what about those who are on my side. Love me?? Care for me?? After an extensive therapy session this last week ive come to realize that I have done more harm than anything to myself. With my mindset of I dont need anyone at all. I can do it by myself. I guess it is a message that was given to me as a child. From the time I was small. My mom was rarely there for me. There have been so many times my mom made the message loud and clear. Do it yourself. From being sick to having things come up in my childhood that a healthy parent would take care of. Not mine.
i'm not wanting to play the victim role, but this has shaped me as an adult.
 The world to me is distrusting and a scary place all around. I mean Im good at faking things. I show a smile to  the world, Am personable but you cant get in. You will not hurt me. Its a surface layer. One that I cant seem to let anyone in further
. I also have been making myself wrong for being a nurturer. Thinking what is wrong with me?? I always seem to attract people who need to be taken care of. . Content in where they are. The secret is? They are content.
 Instead of focusing on what I perceive as  short comings, I should be focusing on me. what I need to figure out about me?? Until I do my outbursts of anger will keep coming up. I will continue on a destructive path and in the end I will be alone. Which I obviously do not want.

The therapist and I are focusing on my childhood. Oh lord this scares me to no end. I generally have  tried not to think about my childhood. The physical and mental abuse.  Starting from a grandmother who has always derived great pleasure in making me feel like shit. From name calling to guilting me into believing that if I didnt do this or that I would create a catastrophic event . I havent had anything to do with this woman in well over 15 years. At this point I dont think I would shed a tear if she died. She has been a mean and vile person. A bully. Someone that doesnt even deserve the title of grandmother. This is why to me here name is Emma ( id like to say others but wont). So many things that have been said that arent true. So from a small child Ive been made to feel like shit. No wonder Im so hard on myself and others as an adult.

I have to keep reminding myself to practice self love and acceptance in this process. I wonder if I even know how?? I for awhile felt like I was getting better and then something happens in my life and I realize that Im not even close.  I'm definitely not back at square one, but Im not even close to being a whole person.

I realize that I dont know what self love or love is . Im sure I  have some semblance of it, From many but I find a way to fuck it up. I often wonder if I feel most content being miserable??? I know it doesnt make sense to me either but when things are going well I find a way to fix the situation...By fix I mean destroy it.  Instead of saying  wow that really hurt me. I end it. All of it. Hurt me once shame on you and shame on me for letting you, remember I am strong. I am woman. Hear me roar. I have always said I would never be like my mother and I wont. The way I do this isn't right either. I need to gain some boundaries. Once again though Im not sure how to get there. I feel like a lost soul, living in a fish bowl of life.

Not the most upbeat post, but this is where my frame of mind it. Its time to fish through all the Basura. To enter into parts of me Ive been avoiding.  To truly become whole.  Not sure where this journey will end, but I'm recommitting to myself and My healing. It may be hard, but I know it will be worth it.

Adorkable!!!

My how time flies when you are having fun. I have not wrote anything on here in well over 5 months. This last year or so has been quite the ride. the end of 2010 into 2011 was about transformation in my life. As most of you are aware I spent the last yr working on making myself a whole person. Well Ive always been a whole person but ive thought differently of myself. I, by focusing on me have learned so many things. Let go of stuff from the past and also alot of my coulda, shoulda , woulda.

The anger, The hate of others and myself are non existent . I let go of past hurts ranging from a childhood that did not go the way I thought it should. Ive let go of being angry at my mom for not being mother of the year. I still think shes a nut job sometimes, However Ive come to accept her for her. For the things she did try to do for us. In the long run I have a pretty amazing family. My mom instilled love and togetherness in all of us. We sisters are very close nit. 

Another amazing thing that happened is I finally let go of the ex. I was no longer angry with him. I no longer wished him ill will. Instead and Im still shocked this came from my mouth, I wished him healing and wellness. I Learned a ton from him. Not all bad. Ive chosen to take the good and bad and apply it to others in my life. I guess this is what life is about. Living and learning.

I did put the weight loss on the back burner. To be far and honest this is something that I am still struggling with. I need to recommit myself and start rocking it. I wont make excuses. I made other things a priority and this was not one of them. As Im writing this Im going to recommit myself to being the best I can be.



A huge thing that recently happened is Ive fallen in love. Not just in love with love, but In love with someone who is so amazing and treats me so well. I have myself a fellow nurturer. Who just gets me. I know Im an odd duck and he knows it too. Even with that he loves me. It is kinda funny how we reconnected. It was via the interwebs. I grew up with him. We went to the same Junior high and Highschool. I knew of him because his little sister was friends with my little sister. In looking back on the past I never thought in a million years I would be dating someone that I grew up with in Taylorsville. I actually at 18 yrs old said I would never go back in the neighborhood or have anything to do with the folks I grew up with. The universe had other Ideas for me. Thank goodness for that. I feel so lucky, So blessed. Somedays it seems surreal. I love the fact that he just lets me be me. No expectations. He doesnt want to change me. He just wants to love me.

I also realized that Ive had huge walls put up around me. Ive not wanted to let people in. Alot of the times I will do something to push them away. I am now in a place where I am open again. Its ok that I want to take care of others. This is not a bad thing. There just needs to be a balance. I also have learned that not everyone deserves my love or time. Ive done alot of releasing of old "friends" who have used and treated me poorly to make themselves feel better. I also am no longer afraid to just say my truth. Without being rude or mean.

I am still human and struggle with this one occasionally. Sometimes I am a little too honest. But what are you going to do except keep learning what works and what doesnt work.
I have had some great support this last year, and so I dont forget. I need to acknowledge and give credit to My close friends, You know who you are and my siblings. You have been my light when all I thought I could see was darkness. I love you all dearly.

My health mentally and Physically

The last few months have been insane. With work changes, Home changes and life changes...Whoa time sure flies. I am still on my journey of becoming healthy and whole. I have had a few things happen over the last few monthes that have changed alot of my view points about health and well being.
My Dad got very sick and ended up in the hospital a few months ago. I love the man to death, but it seems like most in my family he waits to get medical help until it is sooo bad that he lands himself in the hospital. Part of this can be attibuted to his lack of caring for himself. Ie he has Type 1 diabetes but hasnt been taking proper meds. Due to choices made He has not been financially able to do so. Thank god for him going to the hospital. He is now on what seems a much better path. Yeah!!

On mental health as most of you are aware I have become ok with being honest about my relationship with food. It is and will always be my comfort. My security blanket. However Now I know that this is alright and I get to choose wether or not I have a healthy relationship with it and me. This has been a struggle. I am finding as I become more self aware that food is there for my nourishment. Not there to fill in alot of swiss cheese holes that ive had in my mind and life.  Im finding that im not always going to be in a great mood. Life will happen, but I get to choose how I respond to it and myself.

The next lesson is accountability for myself and others. Someone that ive called friend for well over 20 yrs recently had his partner die from lack of caring for himself. This honestly freaked me out. I have been to a few funerals, but Ive never seen death. I saw this man laying in a bed of his own vomit. All I could thing is oh hell This is so sad.As my aquaintance( a different story for perhaps another segment of this)  started cleaning out his partners cupboards I recognized alot of the drugs he was taking.Not because I am a junky, but because I have some of those drugs in my own cupboard. At that point something in me clicked. I am fucking done. I am done with not caring for myself. I am going to control what I can control. I cant control my Ms, but I can control all of the other health issues. Seeing this person made me also think, wow He is only 45 ten years older than myself. If I dont start making changes this could be me. I have so much life left. So many things I want to accomplish and do.

The Gym has become my therapy. When I am Happy,When Im pissed, When im sad, When Im lonely.  . I know that I want a great quality of life and that begins with me. I get to choose. Not someone else how my story will go. I am feeling so much better. The other is I am journaling my food. What ive eaten throughout the day. I am seeing some patterns. I am however not beating myself up. If I have a bad day, its exactly that. Not something that means defeat. Adopting this attitude has helped tremendously.

I did recently have a bit of a relapse with my ms and this did put me on a downward spiral, but in times like this you get to really evaluate your quality of life. What is important to you. I didnt realize that I was going too fast and for what? To be miserable?? I most definately am going to be making some changes in my life all together. I cant go into too much detail on that right now, but changes are happening.

The last is the importance of letting go of those that are no good for you. I have codependency issues. Or have had them. I found this out with said friend from above. I, enabled him and his using ways. I agreed to let him stay with me. Which ended up very trying.  I set boundaries with him and he didnt think I was serious about those boundaries and time lines. I am in recovery and I cannot let anyone stop my progress. So because this person chose to act and behave in innapropriate ways. I kicked him out. I am done with users and abusers. I let this happen and it will not happen ever again. Thats not to say I wont be a great friend and help someone out. Right now its I am only willing to help those that want to help themselves.

This is where I am at....Loving every minute of finding out about me....
thanks for reading. Hopefully I wont wait another six months to post something.

Chris

Thats the way the cookie crumbles....

The last few weeks have been a roller coaster to say the least. My dad ended up in the hospital and now may have a hole in his heart. The dear man face booked this to me a few days ago.....I cannot express in words the thoughts that went through my head. I realize though that I cant fix him or his problems. I can voice my concerns and hope he listens but no guarantee . I'm worried sick about him. This is part of the reason I have not been updating much on here as of late.
Also I have realized that some I call friends truly are not. I have been grappling with this for a few days. Today something happened to me and I think I may have lost in some regards. It has become very clear to me that most of my 'friends' and I use that word loosely, only want me around when they have something to gain. For their comic relief or the nurturer who makes sure everyone is having a good time.
Today one of my now ex friends sent me a message about her baby blessing. This really pissed me off. Actually it wasn't anger, it was hurt. I haven't heard from her in well over Id dare say 9-10 mths and then when she needed or wanted something I all the sudden became important again. I guess I wonder where the hell was she and some of the others that I call friends when I needed her. I didn't get any texts, no calls....nothing. Nada. I had neighbors and acquaintances more concerned. Which there are a few I should thank. Thank you Paul for bringing me rock stars to stay awake. Thanks Mike for letting me cry and stop being strong. To all the others that did reach out thank you so much.
I today did tell said people how I felt, I didn't get a response and was deleted off of their facebook. Hey I guess now we are being honest. I,had mourned this relationship months ago. This person and I havent been friends for a long time. I am at  point where I'm done pretending everything is ok. I am done being and enabler and a caretaker. Its not healthy for any of us.
I also dont want to be the life of the party. I dont want to be the person you bring along to make yourself and everyone else feel better. Besides the bar has been a substitute for whats going on in my head. I drink and get drunk to forget and not think about the many things in my life.
I cant do this anymore. Invite me to something that doesnt include alcohol or drama and I might come along. Or maybe not. Im not feeling social. My circle is getting smaller and smaller. I really dont care. As I told said person Im looking for quality not quantity. If I cant get that from those I call friends its time to get real and move on.
This is where I am at. good or bad, right or wrong. It is what it is. I am one and at peace with my decisions.

Fair weathered friends and ex lovers/boyfriends.

Last night, well actually for the last few weeks I have come to realization that some that I call friends really are not. Its funny to me that the only time I hear from certain friends is if they are going out to party and get drunk. I, in the past have been the comic relief, friend that has taken care of everyone and made sure they are having a good time. Not anymore. Since dealing with me I have no desire to party, drink or go out to clubs. Its not fun anymore to me. I still am purging people out of my life. Some that at one point or another I have called best friends. I guess my question is do real friends talk about you behind your back, do real friends only want to be around you if you are having a good time. Not if you are being real and working through your life and the crap in it??? I, right now am enjoying my own time. I dont necessarily want to hang out, fix problems of other people. I want to fix, well fix is the wrong word. There is nothing wrong with me, I do need to tweek a few things in my life to be A more healthy me.

The next thing on my mind are exes. Over the last two months I have had three of them contact me. One just wanted to fuck. The other two I'm not quite sure. I am no longer desperate for love and attention. I only need those two things from myself.
One of them in particular wants to rekindle a romance from five years ago. I did hang out with him a few times. There are some things about him that I enjoy. For the most part though, I have moved on. I am not the same person I was five years ago. I have no need to get drunk nightly. I have no need to cling to someone or something that isnt real. Also this person was incredibly mean to me. He said and wrote some really mean things . One of which was if you lost weight I would marry you.Which really hurt. Thinking back I should have said well you need to have a bigger dick( ok not really but mean deserves mean back) Make more money and have your shit together. Not depend on mommy to pay your bills.
Curiosity killed the cat I suppose. I guess I wanted to see if I still liked him. I do as a friend, but I dont want him as a lover or a mate. I dont know if he gets it though. I wonder if I should just walk away. Is he truly someone that I want to call friend. I am so confused....

I actually do not want a relationship this year. I want to work and improve me. Not work and improve someone else. I have been making huge strides. Internally and physically.Born This Way

I am no longer Eeyore......

Oh man I  am confused like no other. The ex that I almost married and moved to Arizona for is back. Those old feelings are surfacing once more. I dont want them to, but they are. Im not sure if it is because I am reminiscing about our past. The could of, would of, should of. I am a bit trepidatious  about this whole situation. The first night we hung out He apologized for everything that he did and what happened.  I was nice and told him that it had been five years. I had moved on. Dated again. What I didnt share is how much I had missed him, thought about him frequently. Oh man. Im in a bit of a conundrum. Last night he told me that he still loved me. I believe him, but Im not sure anymore if he is someone that I would want to spend my days with. Or am I making excuses?? Oh god Im beyond confused. It seems as of late, almost everyone from my past that Ive dated is trying to get back in touch with me???
On a different topic, I received a compliment from my neighbor about my weight. I havent been paying attention and have been forbidden from stepping on a scale. So I havent been paying attention. I mean I feel better. I just thought it was because I am healing my innards. Lol. Yeah for me.
I have decided to get a road bike and start training to do a 40 mile bike ride at the end of june for Ms. I am so excited. this is my cause. I feel so blessed and lucky to know the person at 24 hr fitness that is in charge of this. Yeah. I would never of thought about this even a yr or two ago. I was having an Eeyore type of life. Not anymore. I am alive and vibrant. Ready to take on the world in all its entirety. Whoo hoo.

From the frying pan into the fire......

I had this last weekend off for a baby shower for a dear friend that lives close to Logan. It was held at a friends house of Angels. It was nice to see her. I brought along my dear friend y. We had decided to make it an adventure sort of day and went from one end of the state to almost the other. No plan just two friends having a good time. Well or so I thought. my friends boyfriend kept texting and would not stop. During our journey down to Spanish fork Cody received a text saying we are going to need to talk about curfews. What the fucking hell?? my friend is 37 yr old man. Not a Teenager. This was the first Oh my that came from my mouth followed by he is kidding, right?? We then stopped in Spanish fork at the adult toy store. That was fun. They actually have a very large selection. I thought it was funny and had to post it on face book.

Which leads me to my next thing. I am so used to living my life out loud and not caring what others think of me. I guess I forget not everyone else is this way. over the weekend, It became abundantly clear that clandestine anything doesn't really work for me.
Another is I am addicted to technology. Not in a good way either. I couldnt even go 24 hrs without my phn and computer. uggh.
So many thoughts came from this trip.  from the certain happenings, I have thought  that I have come a long way, but part of me still bites at any attention. I'm not sure if this is normal or if it is me trying to hang onto old patterns and behaviors Wanting so desperately to be loved. Notice the word desperate..I did the same bullshit with (insert name here) I prefer asshole. Someone that I didnt really like as a person but thought I loved him. Not because of who he was. Honestly I so just wanted to be loved and to be in love. So I clung to dysfunction. I clung to him saying mean and often times hurtful things. I was OK with him doing things to me that someone in a healthy frame of mind would never allow. So have I really changed. Or am I trying to cover an old gash with a band aid....This weekend gave me a lot to think about.

Now back to my friend. on the way back home my friend received a text saying that I, yes me would apologize for my rudeness and being inconsiderate behavior. Which I did nothing wrong. my friend wanted to get out. He wanted an adventure. This made me livid. I need to apologize for doing what my friend wanted to do. Seriously. I must say that I am now not a fan of his boyfriend. I tried not to be dramatic, but I did tell my friend that his boyfriends action and behaviors were uncalled for and I really have a bad taste in my mouth because of it. This was saturday.


Sunday I went on a trip by myself. I went to Cedar City to see my Fathers grave. I have not been down there since I was about 16. I never truly have mourned the loss of my Father. Yes I was raised by my stepdad. Who was great and wonderful but still not my father. I was able to say some things and gain both clarity and closure. It was good for me to go down there. Long over due.

I on this day. Thought about my friends. One that just had two beautiful twins. Yeah Brighton. The other is that I have become a slightly absentee friend due to working through all of the crap in my world. I have lost touch. the only interactions I have with them is via Facebook. Something is wrong with this. Im not quite sure how to fix it. Really??

Then there is work. I am shocked with myself. I am not wanting to be friends or buds with anyone. I have the attitude of 8 and out. I will be nice. But you are not my friend and I am not yours. One thing that I learned from Jordan landing is not everyone that appears to be your friend is. They will backstab you and use you as soon as they can....

Im having a love affair with myself

I am in a strange, almost foreign place. I am finally getting how truly kickass I am and how I am the only person standing in my way. It is amazing how so many things start to change when You start loving yourself.  I am finding that I want to heal my outside and inside too. I am working with my therapist to heal the inside. I am going to the gym two to three times a week. Sometimes more. I have embraced vegetarianism once again. It started as an experiment but I think I am going to keep up with this. I have never felt better in my whole life. I recently met with my Neurologist and for the first time in a couple of years I got a clean bill of health as far as the ms is concerned. This felt really good. I think this is because I truly am taking care of me for the first time in my life. Instead of caring for everyone else.  I am getting that people actually like me for me. Not for me taking care of them. Those that got used to manipulating and controlling me are disappearing quickly. Seems they are not a fan of the new me. Im still working through my eating disorder, but I take it day by day. I am finding more and more I am having good days vs bad.
 I am hanging out with some new and cool peeps. I am learning lessons from them daily. The most valuable thing is that they love me for me. Even though I am eccentric and oft times a little strange. haha. Part of my charm.
 I am letting go of people from the past thatI have all taught me valuable lessons. Most not good lessons. I will refrain from naming anyone. Lets just say im glad the deadwood is gone. After watching eat, pray, love I get it. I can love all the ones I have loved but sometimes your time is done with them and I must decide to release them to the universe with love and hope for the future. Not anger or hatred. Just peace and love. Wow, when you start letting go of the built up anger that only a passive/aggressive person carries. Things change, you change.
There are some areas that I am still working on and probably will be for awhile. My childhood being the main thing. Some of it far to personal to share on here. maybe at a later time when I have talked to the individuals involved and have finally healed. Right now I am finding that I am far to pist off at them. I am saying things that as a child I felt I couldnt.  It is seeping out in sometimes not the best of ways. I guess im not going to be perfect its only been three months since this journey has begun. Time and talking about things will heal all wounds.

Hope everyone is having or had a wonderful valentines day. Hearts and such.
Chris